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CURSE OF ALCATRAZ
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Reviewed by: Matt Withers

Directed by: Daniel Zirilli

Starring:
Alex Quinn
Jessie Camacho
Joe Jones
Candise Lakota
Jose Solano

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
A virus that once turned a Native American tribe into ferociously nutball warriors is unleashed on Alcatraz when an unsuspecting Prison Ranger stumbles upon a long buried body. Bad news for the curious cop sent to verify the body wasn't murdered and the cadre of archeology grad students called in to assist.
Is it good movie?
The thing about a low-budget pseudo-vampire flick like Curse Of Alcatraz is that it's not offensively bad, it's simply pointless. Every single event has been scripted better, acted better, shot better and delivered better somewhere else. If you want to watch a stranded group slowly get overtaken by an evil presence then just re-watch The Thing. Hell, even The Keep is a better take on the subject. At least Nazi's are getting f*cked up in that one.

Trying to make up for the lack of originality is casting that is designed to pull in the curious. This includes Survivor: Africa's Jessie Camacho, Baywatch's Jose Salano and Alex Quinn who is the youngest son of THE Anthony Quinn. So let me save you the trouble. Camacho's blink and you miss it boob shot is a body double, Salano creates the most annoying wheelchair bound character perhaps in the history of cinema (and who gives a shite about the MEN of Baywatch anyway?), and Quinn does the family name no favors in this effort.

All that really leaves us with is the death scenes, which except for one nice head bashing courtesy of an Alcatraz sliding cell door, are either flat or largely off screen. This is the type of flick that promises to be mildly distracting B-movie fun, but it fails to rise (or sink) to that level.

Video / Audio
Video: Apparently the director has been shooting music videos for 20 years. It doesn't show. I've got soft porn in my DVD collection with a sharper picture.

Audio: When you have a round table discussion and every person involved is speaking at a different level, let's just say it's distracting.

The Extras
Commentary with Director and Writer: If you sit through the movie the last thing you're going to want to do afterwards is listen to these two talk about what is happening on the screen while it happens. Could be useful to the blind, though.

"Pitch Black: A Night on Alcatraz": This is the single most boring, poorly done piece of "documentary footage" I have ever seen.

"In First Person: Cast and Crew": Whoops! Spoke too soon.

Trailers: Drunken Monkey, Dead Clowns, Open Water 2: Adrift

Last Call
If abject mediocrity is your thing, then by all means check this out. Otherwise, you'll have more fun with a weekend monster marathon on the Sci-Fi Channel.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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