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Reviewed by: Zombie Boy

Directed by: Andreas Prochaska

Starring:
Sabrina Reiter
Julia Rosa StŲckl
Michael Steinocher

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
An Austrian I Know What You Did Last Summer.
Is it good movie?
Nina and her clique are good-looking teenagers, freshly squeezed out of the meat grinder that is high school (or whatever the Teutonic equivalent is) and are poised to take on the world. Except that all five of them (Clemens, the frat-boy leader and his girlfriend, Alex; Martin, the semi-emo bad boy and boyfriend of ostrich-headed Nina; and Moni, the raven-tressed Sappho-acolyte) receive text messages with the titular threat, and sure as scheisse they start getting picked off like flies. Is it the creepy hanger-on Patrick, or does it maybe have something to do with a dark incident from their past?

As I stated above, this is an Germanic import, actually released overseas in 2006 (and already sporting a sequel there), that is an imitation of Americaís late-90ís post-Scream boom. It is not only a credible entry into that dubious pantheon, but is actually quite a bit better than what it strives to emulate. The teens are a little bit easier to swallow, there is nudity during sex scenes instead of the implication that all teens boink with their bras and socks on, and the kills are a little bloodier and a little meaner. There is also the added advantage of the amazing scenery: the town of Ebensee, once home to a concentration camp, has stunning architecture, and the lake and mountains that frame the story are nothing short of breathtaking.

But, alas, a gold-plated turd is still a turd. This strikes me as being a directorís film: while there are certainly wonderful camera angles and movements, they canít make up for the illogical story and the woefully incongruous plot development. Things that should be at the beginning are at the end, and vice versa. No matter how many upside-down close-ups of blood dripping into water that you have, it doesnít make me want to sit through a movie that canít be bothered with telling me a well-thought-out story.

Questions: 1. How did the killer get their phone numbers to send them texts? 2. Why wait so long from the catalytic event to put the kill plan into action? 3. Can Austrian bitches breathe underwater and psychically will their wounds to bleed slower until they can get to help? Until these questions are answered for me, I really canít give this film more than half-marks. Half-marks? Get it? Sigh. Genius is never understood in its time.

SPOILER ALERT:

The first two kills in the film are characters named Martin and Patrick. That tickles me. It should tickle you also.

END SPOILERS.
Video / Audio
Video: Widescreen. Looks good, except there is a little grain in some spots, which unfortunately makes some of the impressive background landscapes look somewhat like matte paintings.

Audio: German and English tracks, both in Dolby 5.1, German and English subtitles, plus English subtitles for the hearing impaired (believe it or not, there is a difference).
The Extras
Nein.
Last Call
This is a decent-enough entry into a sub-genre that true horror fans have been wishing a quick and painful demise upon for years, and while there is nothing terribly new or original on view, it will while away an hour and a half of your time with no long term damage. Even if you will have to call shenanigans on the ending.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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