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EULOGY FOR A VAMPIRE
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Reviewed by: Mike Catalano

Directed by: Patrick McGuinn

Starring:
Wilson Hand
Damacio Ruiz
Ryan G. Metzger
Angelo Tursi


Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
A group of gay monks discover and take in an unconcious, but very handsome dude near their monastary. Turns out, said dude joins forces with some random evil spirit and begins seducing all the monks, turning them into members of an undead army.

Is it good movie?
I want to precede this review with the following statement: I am in NO WAY trying to offend anyone of any sexual orientation. My following views in regard to EULOGY FOR A VAMPIRE are only MY opinion of the MOVIE itself. This is just me stating why this wasn't my particular cup of tea. Perhaps I didn't need to make this statement, but shit, these days it seems you really have to watch what you say and I'd hate for anyone to feel that I'm coming off as some ignorant jerk. Okay, thank you. Now, on with the slaughter of this movie!

First off, if you're a gay dude who is into horror, then you should really enjoy EULOGY. You should enjoy it for the same reason straight dudes, like me, enjoyed the FRIDAY THE 13TH remake: because of lots of sex and nudity involving females. EULOGY FOR A VAMPIRE has the same thing, only opposite. There's some heavy dude-on-dude action going on here, that just wasn't enjoyable for me to watch. This is where the statement at the top comes in. I'm not gay-bashing here. I'm just not a fan of watching two dudes going at it in a pretty graphic nature. Hence, I was not a fan of this flick.

Don't get me wrong. EULOGY did eventually bring the horror once the gay drifter began mingling with his gay monk brethren. I just didn't care because I was already put off by the whole thing. Plus, the pacing was very drawn out, which made the wait for some ghostly action feel like forever. All you get for the first hour is basically a bunch of dudes talking, worrying, or flirting with each other. Everything is set to the tune of an annoyingly overdramatic score.

Most of EULOGY is just an unwatchable mess. None of the characters are interesting or greatly fleshed out. All the monks come off as whiny morons, leaving the viewer with no one to root for. I hope none of this sounded too insensitive.

Video / Audio
Video Widescreen 1.33:1

Audio English dolby digital.

The Extras
8 minutes of dumb Deleted Scenes.

The Trailer.

A Behind the Scenes featurette.

Cast Screentest footage.

A Music Video.

Last Call
A gay man's low-budget horror flick that didn't initially connect and continued to disappoint all the way to the end. Annoying characters, stilted acting, and minimal action only added to the misery.

ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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