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FEAST 2: SLOPPY SECONDS
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Reviewed by: Dave Murray

Directed by: John Gulager

Starring:
Clu Gulager
Jennifer Wade
Diane Goldner

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
Mere hours after the gore and monster sperm slinging night in the saloon, the ravenous creatures of Feast have descended on a small desert town, and it's up to the small group of survivors (who, aside from a few biker chicks and two mexican midgets, are mostly retarded) to stop them. Screw that, get out while you can!
Is it good movie?
There are times when a movie stops being entertaining and funny and crosses that invisible line over into so offensive that it actually angers the audience. At this point it makes you wonder why such a piece of shit was even paid for, let alone shot, and despite the fact that some writers and directors get off on being this offensive and dirided, another simple fact remains: When nine out of ten people not only hated your movie, but most hit the stop button or walked out at the half way mark, you my writing and directing friends have dropped the ball. It's hard to pick a point in Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds where the filmmakers crossed the line, because right from the first frame the movie is a complete sloppy mess, a waste of some considerable talent, and the solid effects work is ineffectively backed up by tasteless jokes and a few scenes that were so uncalled for they should make everyone involved ashamed of not only their decision making skills, but of their sense of humour as well.

Why waste so much writing on a movie that I categorically hated? Because some things need to said about the idiocy displayed on screen, and behind the camera, here. And why give it a half of a point if it was so bad? Because there was one bright spot of the movie, and that was the effects. The rubber suit monsters with giant dicks aside, some of the gore pieces (especially the melting grandma) were very nicely done. But this wa snot wnough to save the incoherent nightmare that the movie devolved into.

First off, they just did not need to make a sequel, considering the great setup and payoff of the first movie. Nothing was advanced, neither the interesting dynamic nor the asskicking vibe were carried over. Some of the survivors from the saloon are here, and some surprise survivors pop up, but mostly we are treated to a new cast of misfits and retards who don't live up to the inspired archtypes that were in the previous movie. And here begins my list of complaints. I'm all for horror movies that use mostly unknown actors. Hell, that goes for any kind of movie. But here we have the cliche of the inexperienced director (John Gulager) casting multiple generations of his family members in the flick! Most of them can't act, a fact which is hampered by the loathesomeness and downright disgusting nature of most of their characterizations. Do you want to root for the biker queen, the coward, the traitor or the used car salesman? Me either. While I do want to see them get chewed up and spit out, you shouldn't rely on them to carry the narrative of a whole movie. There needs to be some identifiable character the audience can connect with, and aside from two hilarious mexican midgets, I'm at a loss to find any redeemable character in the whole movie.

In fact, I don't think there's anything redeemable about the script or the cinematography either. The dialogue is stilted, wooden, and clearly written in a attempt to be edgy and shocking, but comes across in the end as infantile and piss poor. While the pacing is tight, the setup of certain situations is a little out there, and the whole roof sequence drags on far too long. The whole autopsy scene was funny for a minute or two, but to drag it on for as long as it is, that was unnecessary, and ultimately both boring and offensive. The scenes look like they are shot with the night vision effect on a camcorder in some places, and even the impressive effects are hampered by the garish daylight of the whole movie. Where darkness worked for the first film to great effect, daylight was the scene killer for this one. To put it simply, the whole movie looked like shit, right down to the Magic Bullit effects used for the 16mm style scenes (hated the character introductions in this one, by the way). And as for the list of major offenses: The monster screwing the cat; the acting of the Biker Queen (Diane Goldner) and the wimp (Gulager's brother, Tom); the ridiculous staging and length of some one off jokes; the excessiveness of the autopsy scene; the fact that they were making a spoof movie, without spoofing anything identifiable; the list goes on and on. And I'm sure you've probably heard about the most offensive scene by now, the pointless and disgusting scene of a toddler dying in a graphic fashion. There is such a thing as too much, guys, and going too far. I'm sure it was hilarious for them, especially when the cute little bugger is the director's nephew and the son of the shitty actor who 'throws' him in the movie. But this sort of gag makes people turn off your movie, because you have acted like an pompous dick and crossed the line. This is why I, and many others, hate your movie. You are not challenging us, or entertaining us, and it isn't funny. It's great to do new things and shock your audience, it's just not good sense to shock them into not watching your whole movie, which interestingly enough fell apart even more after this infamous scene.

And to the writers and director, please stop referring to these movies as a franchise or a cult classic series. You are two movies in, one a mild cult classic and one an STD turd, so even when a third one is made, most of the people involved with this movie will either be back to making indie crap shorts, music videos or be mercifully banished back to boring day jobs soon after.
Video / Audio
Video: Anamorphic Widescreen - 2.35:1.

Audio: English (Dolby Digital 5.1) with subtitles in English and Spanish.
The Extras
At the start os the disc, we get Trailers for four awesome movies: Hell Ride, Mother of Tears, The Zombie Diaries, and George A. Romero's Diary of the Dead. If you haven't seen The Zombie Diaries yet, you should.

After watching the movie and some of the features, I had no desire to listen to the Audio Commentary. Featuring John Gulager, writers Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan, producer Michael Leahy, and actors Diane Ayala Goldner, Tom Gulager, and Clu Gulager. But a small sample shows that they sound like they're having fun, and they are surprisingly proud of their crappy movie.

Scared Half to Death Twice (12:26): This is a pretty standard BS fest, with some funny as hell results. Hearing these guys (especially Marcus Dunstan, who comes off as such an arrogant pr*ck when he talks about the movie you'll laugh your ass off) talk about the "Feast series" and the classic slapstick humour and intelligence of the film as a whole and as a spoof, well, they just have to be seen to be believed. They managed not to squeeze any comedy or laughs into their movie, but in the features, they are hilarious. I wonder if they made the same movie I just watched, or maybe they are just delusional. I've heard the desert heat can cause spontaneous mental illnesses in some borderline individuals. And methinks that writing the two weakest parts of the Saw series has given the writers really big heads!

Meet the Gulagers (5:26): Here we get a quick look into the family affair that this 'frachise' has become (sorry, that cracks me up). That baby, and his grandfather Clu Gulager, have the most personality out of all of them.
Last Call
Now, it's not that I 'didn't get it', and yes I know it's only a movie and supposedly a comedy more than horror. As a comedy it just doesn't work, and it's still f*cking offensive. In trying to be "no hold's barred", nothing was controlled, and the whole production fell apart. It's an offensive mess that borders on being completely unwatchable. Feast 2 has some good effects work, and those two girls who were naked for the entire final reel (nice!), but that's about it. The story is a mess, the whole cast is made up of unlikeable throwaway characters, and you'll probably end up turning it off in disgust during one or two scenes anyway, so don't waste your money or your time. If you hate the whole 'gore for gore's sake' trend, this is so not for you. And that goes double if you are a fan of the first movie. This will serve nothing but to diminish your view of that movie to the point where it too will be unwatchable. Trust me, I was a fan too. But if you've got thing for the movie equivilent of smearing toxic and infectious waste all over your crotch and repeatedly headbutting the business end of a claw hammer, then have at it! They did a great job the first time out, and then managed to completely wreck that with their second attempt. Some people just weren't meant to be in the movie business. Hmm, who would have thought that not everyone given a soapbox and a budget by Project Greenlight would be a talented director? 'Green' is the operative word here, and I think John Gulager needs to find another job fast.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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