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GHOULS
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Reviewed by: Dave Murray

Directed by: Gary Jones

Starring:
Kristin Renton
James DeBello
William Atherton

Movie:  
star star star
Extras:  
star star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
A young college student travels with her father to his Eastern European homeland with no name, only to discover she's to be the new vessel for the Queen of the Ghouls, and that only the infantile asshole from Cabin Fever, who's now the last of the ghost hunting Druids (WTF!?! I shit you not!), can save her from certain, ghostly doom! Buckle up, kiddies, we just might have a new contender for the title of "Worst Bloody F*cking Movie In The World"!
Is it good movie?
It's not often that a movie is bad enough to garner an absolute zero rating. Usually, there is some redeeming quality in the middle of all of the mess. Maybe there is some unintentional comedy, or killer effects, or maybe even some hot naked girls on display. Now when a movie is so poorly written that it's actually insulting, has acting that's worse than an elementary christmas play without really good drugs, has zero talent in the effects department and fails to entertain even on the most base levels of male psychology, well, that movie makes me wish that negative ratings were possible. Maybe I could take some of those pretty yet empty beer mugs up above and throw them at someone, preferably someone who had anything to do with this nightmare of galactic crap.

But come on Dave, surely it can't be that bad? Trust me, whatever I describe here, this movie is in fact worse than that still. If it wasn't for the hotness of soap opera transplant Kristin Renton, I probably would have ended it all and stabbed myself in the throat just to make the movie stop. The locations here were so blandfully village like in an ambiguious European way, and the local characters just as stiff and wooden. The acting was horrible from almost everybody involved (the before mention hot actress included), and the writing was even worse. To call this cliched, contrived and insipid would be an insult to all of those words. The family relationships in this stinker are so wooden that we're actually supposed to believe that this guy would sacrifice his daughter for a bunch of lame Eurotrash cousins and a few floaty smudges. This movie is made up of scenes that some guys thought would be cool, and they then strung them together into scenes that are disjointed and corny, that I seriously prefer the Halloweentown movies over this shit, and those are for kids!

The "ghouls" (and I love how that name is just thrown around these days; do any of you peckerwoods even know what a ghoul is supposed to be? I thought not) are nothing but crappy shadow ghosts, usually as floaty blotches of smudge in the sky. But sometimes the smudges land, and then we have guys in shitty monster make up growling into the camera. And these guys are a threat? And the guy who has come to save us from this menace of supernatural terror, well, talk about lame. Watching James DeBello try and play this pansy assed "druid" warrior (I honestly almost shat myself laughing when he called himself a druid) as the bastard lovechild of Indiana Jones and Van Helsing was one of the only entertaining thing about this monstrosity. Mind you, even that entertainment was weak, so sorry James, no beer for you either. Yes, and I'm fairly certain (being as how I am Irish and proud of my heritage) that the Druids were not in Eastern Europe fighting ghosts for the last 2000 years. Nor did they dress in Pleather trenchcoats and hurl Dollar Store daggers at people! Serously, where was this guy in Hostel!?! Just think of all the good he could have done saving tourists! I'll tell you where he was, in this damn movie, insulting history and the art of acting.

So, one hot girl does not a movie make? Most certainly. There are so many things wrong with this movie, it can't even manage to be entertaining while being just plain dumb. I love fun dumb horror as much as any fan, but this is just insulting, and a waste of both my time and that of everyone involved. Unless you place no value on your sanity or your home theatre equipment at all, I beg you, don't watch this movie. Trust me, generations to come will thank us if we let it limp gimpily into the mindless oblivion where it belongs.
Video / Audio
Video: Widescreen - 1.66:1. The flick looks good, a little too video for my tastes, but it's easy to see where most of their money went.

Audio: English (Dolby Digital 2.0) and subtitles in English. Nothing to report here. My only beef - the subtitles don't work when you're trying to watch the movie at 4x speed. Ah, I'm sure I didn't miss much anyway.
The Extras
Nothing but Trailers again, like most SciFi Channel releases. Yipee! I'm just happy I didn't have to revisit this horrific movie accident in the features.
Last Call
Wow, the original movie division at SciFi Channel really needs to be fired. Now. And genre fans need to stay far, far away from anything they produce. Harsh words, but it is what it is. I'm getting the distinct impression that First Look Pictures needs to start taking a second or even third look at their scripts and finished product. So thank you Gary Jones, for making me have to watch Mama Mia to erase the stain of your movie from my brain. Thank you, Sci Fi channel, for making me wish your film development people into the ninth plane of a very painful hell. And thank you, everyone involved, for raping my sensibilities and intelligence soundly, and not in the usual enjoyable ways I prefer. Your movie should only be watched with medication and with periodic naps to ease the assault of crap.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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