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I AM VIRGIN
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Reviewed by: Zombie Boy

Directed by: Sean Skelding

Starring:
Adam Davis
Ron Jeremy
Rachel Reckless

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
It's hard to be the lone human on a planet of sex-crazed vampires. Especially if you're a virgin.
Is it good movie?
Three years after a virus ravaged the population of Earth, Robby finds himself alone in a desolate wasteland. Every day he goes out with his best friend, a bassett hound named Bill, in search of supplies and, with ever-dwindling hope, uninfected humans. But all he ever seems to turn up are bands of sex-crazed vampire women who want nothing more than to ride him off into the sunset. The problem with that is Robby's religiously zealous parents instilled in him a strong fear of sexual relations damning him to hell, and so he has remained a virgin. Now the parents are gone, but the fear remains. And so he watches porn, and spies on the vamps making out, but flees the scene before they can get little Robby in their clutches. After a brief encounter with an elder vampire, Robby is poised with a choice: remain pure until he can find a girl who really loves him, or give in to wanton, guiltless, animal sex and possibly become a vampire in the process.

The title of the film and its cover let you know right away that you are dealing with a softcore I Am Legend spoof (with heavy doses of The Omega Man thrown in). That being said, Virgin seemed to have a little something extra going for it. The opening montage of news clips from around the world, detailing the rise (ha ha) of the virus and the resulting carnal-carnage, is impressive for a low budget affair that for all appearances doesn't seem to be aiming that high. And while the 2-D CGI matte paintings of a destroyed Portland, Oregon, are a little silly, once again they are impressive for the budget and scope. Then there are the lady vamps, all impressively goth and psychobilly, tattooed and pierced and punk-rocked out darlings. Adam Davis as Robby is affable and has decent comic timing, and all signs pointed towards a surprising gem in the rough, here.

Unfortunately, the surface aspects of I Am Virgin remain right there: just on the surface. It seems longer than its 90-minutes, mainly due to endlessly repeating scenes of Robby coming upon (ha ha) people having sex, watching them, being discovered, then running like hell from the wanted/unwanted attention of the gorgeous monsters. When the end tries to take a turn towards uplifting, it is a noble effort but one muddled in confusion. Sex turns you into a monster, but only if you feel guilty about it, so you shouldn't feel guilty and everything will be fine. But Robby still takes a moral stance not to engage, and it all seemed way too introspective for the undertaking. A moral conclusion makes sense for the character, but not the format for the film. The underlying dichotomy is not satisfying. A for effort, but next time as much thought should be put into the script as to the women hired for the sex.
Video / Audio
Video: Shot on video. Looks okay.

Audio: Audio is decent.
The Extras
T&A of Darkness: A Filmmaker's Wet Dream: A serviceable, if short, making of piece. I was surprised by how large a crew the film had. Some nice behind the scenes stuff, but nothing to get excited about.

Commentary with Sean Skelding and Adam Davis: The commentary is pretty good, nuts and bolts and candid stories. They don't seem to have a sense of the film's flaws, but that's okay: it's their baby. If you watch this, do be warned that not only is there no audio from the film, but the commentary track sounds like it was recorded in a tin can.

The DVD also contains possibly the most bizarre collection of trailers I've ever seen not on a Something Weird compilation. Kudos to you, IMD!
Last Call
This is a softcore parody that aims to be more than it is. It achieves it in some respects, and fails in others. It has a decent concept and obvious reverence for the source material, but uses half-naked women to fill out its anemic script, and that just doesn't cut it for me. A good effort, especially the non-sex visuals, but hopefully Skelding will spend more time on the script for his next venture.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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