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ILLEGAL ALIENS
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Reviewed by: Andre Manseau

Directed by: David Giancola

Starring:
Anna Nicole Smith
Joanie Laurer
Lenise Sorén
Gladys Jimenez

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
Illegal Aliens has a plot. Um, somewhere. Oh yes. Three aliens come to save the planet. In the process, they take the form of three 'hot' girls. By 'hot', I mean Anna Nicole Smith and two other jacked up looking chicks. They face the most terrifying monster of all, Joanie 'Chyna' Laurer. Chyna plays the evil alien. There's a movie in here somewhere!
Is it good movie?
Okay, so I need to vent.

I won't lie: Illegal Aliens has been sitting upon my desk for quite some time, and I’ve been dreading writing this review. I watched the flick a few times, can you believe that?

What I need to do is make a distinction. Some movies have a reasonably cool concept, and a neat trailer, but everything about the movie is executed terribly and the whole thing just ends up being a bad movie. Illegal Aliensis not one of these movies. In fact, it really doesn't set any high standards at all. It's about three bimbos in a 'sci-fi' movie taking on a woMAN who should never grace my TV screen again, Chyna. That's it. There's not a whole lot else to it. The film isn't meant to win awards, it's meant to be exactly what it is- ultra low budget, skanky, poorly edited, and powerfully unfunny.

Illegal Aliens is like a porn movie without any porn. The whole time, you're watching awful, awful actors spout out awful, awful dialogue, with a plot that is so paper thin and full of holes that it may actually cause you pain. It is true that the movie doesn't take itself seriously, but that's probably because if it did, the world may implode upon itself and Armageddon would surely come. In fact, there is actually some tongue-in-cheek humour to be found if you really are able to watch long enough (Charlie's Angels in-jokes, Anna Nicole Smith makes a "who do I have to f*ck" reference), but I didn't think they were funny.

Anna Nicole Smith and Chyna alternately make ME wish I was dead. Smith's character is like a snivelling child, vapid and whiny, while parading around in skimpy outfits (ironically, not unlike real life). Chyna's character is a woman possessed by an alien, and seems to be attempting a Vince D'Onofrio-men-in-black type thing, altering her voice to sound almost like her appearances on the Howard Stern Show (in other words, warbly and shaky).

Yes- this movie does have a sense of humour, and everyone seems to know the movie's a bit of fun, but that does NOT make it fun to watch. This film is torture, or at least it was to me. It's not funny, and to cap things off, 90% of the friggin' movie is made up of obvious stock footage. The stuff is just head-bangingly awful.

Don't ever watch this. It's not some kind of perverse guilty pleasure. It sucks worse than Darkness Falls and Boogeyman combined. I cannot stress this enough. AWFUL.
Video / Audio
The Extras
Last Call
Don't send me hate mail just because Anna Nicole Smith passed away. It's too bad her life ended so soon, but at least she won't make any more movies. I wish no ill will towards her or any of her fans, but that absolutely will not stop me from warning anyone with even the slightest interest in this piece of garbage to STAY AWAY from it. The effects are awful, the dialogue is stupid, and it's not "so bad it's good", because to me it seems like they made a horrible movie on purpose. As I said, it was porn without the porn, a bizarre, awful in-joke that would have been funnier as a 'what if' joke on a forum somewhere, not an actual film. On top of this, people are going to watch this garbage, simply because it was Anna's last film. May she rest in peace, and I hope this film does too.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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