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KINKY KILLERS
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Reviewed by: Pat Torfe

Directed by: George Lekovic

Starring:
Charles Durning
Beverly Lynne
Michael Paré

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about

When patients of a sexy psychiatrist are found murdered in the streets of New Jersey, detective Barry Harper is assigned to investigate. Turns out the murders are a part of a Satanic ritual, and that the killer may not be who it seems to be, turning the film into a bad episode of Law & Order.

Is it good movie?

A quick history lesson for you, folks: KINKY KILLERS originally started out under the title of POLYCARP (which makes more sense once you realize what's going on). Problem is, POLYCARP doesn't exactly scream out, 'Buy me!' like many other titles. So what's a film to do? How about having a two-word role auctioned off for $11,000, or having Uwe Boll and his company secure your DVD release? Yes, couple that with a name change, and you have a winner. The same way you're a winner at the Razzies.

For a film that touts itself as a horror flick, the film plays out like a crime drama more than anything. Sure, there's torture, dismemberment and blood, but it's, well, boring. All the women characters in the film are copied and pasted over each other, and if that didn't sound bad enough, the characters fall into two categories: lesbian and/or slut. It doesn't matter if you're a lawyer or a psychiatrist, after work, you're a whore looking for some carpet. And no, I'm not into that sort of thing with my women.

The male characters don't get off (no pun intended) that easily, either. Instead of being lawyers and psychiatrists, they're lawyers and policemen, and both are equally sleazy (and horny). Again, it seems everyone's playing the same role with different names, and it's insulting as hell. What's even worse is the fact that Michael Paré, a former 80's heartthrob and another example of talent down the crapper, is in this film. This isn't EDDIE AND THE CRUISERS, that's for sure. Hell, Charles Durning is in the film, too. A Golden Globe winner and Academy Award nominee, and star of such classics as THE STING and THE FINAL COUNTDOWN, now reduced to this. Mercifully, he's only in here for a short time, but the damage is done.

Directing-wise, the film is a mess. George Lekovic presents adds to the incoherency by having everyone talk in riddles, quoting from the Bible, and making everyone and their dog a suspect for the killings, which is supposed to be the big draw. Of course, it doesn't help when said suspects are killed by the other suspects who were bored with killing no-name strangers, but hey, that's why I'm not in Hollywood to make these 'brilliant' decisions. The ending, which I assume is supposed to be a big twist, follows the same logic of 'What the f*ck!?' as the rest of the film.

If you're looking for some softcore with your slayings, you've come to the right place! The bulk of the nudity comes from Beverly Lynne, who gives it all up repeatedly, with Alison Whitney being a strong second. Hell, you get a 3-on-1 with Mr. Paré and 3 chicks near the end of the film (one of which is Ms. Lynne). Too bad all the skin in the world can't save the rest of the film, which took the low road and dipped into the softcore to make up for the bore, and I can't watch anymore.

Video / Audio

Video: The 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen transfer looks okay, but doesn't fare much better than the film itself. Colours are appropriately muted, though the film is dark throughout (even during the day scenes). There's also a softness to the image, which makes details hard to see. Haloes are also apparent in some scenes, with grain and interlacing errors abundant in many shots.

Audio: The choice of Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround and Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo is a mixed bag once again. Despite your choice, both mixes sound the same. Next to no directional sounds from the 5.1 mix, and everything is concentrated in the front speakers. Dialogue for the most part is clear (which shows just how bad the acting is), and the stock effects come through just as clear.

The Extras

First up is the trailer for the film, which I'm guessing was made when the film was still called POLYCARP, as the use of characters making Biblical references makes little sense now.

The making-of featurette, Inside Look Into the Mind of a Serial Killer, is actually a little more entertaining than the actual film. Consisting of Actor/Writer/Producer Ken Del Vecchio (who tries to justify the film's name change in a less-than-convincing way) with on-location footage and interviews from cast and crew alike, the feature somewhat explains the film's cryptic plot, with emphasis on how much 'work' and 'effort' went into the film itself. Obviously, I don't buy it, and neither should you, especially when some think this film is a jump-off point for their careers. Uh, good luck on that.

As a side note, the cover art seems to belong with a vampire flick. What's the deal with the chick in tight leathers with her mouth open as if she's going to bite me? Nice photoshopped blood, by the way (could you have gotten rid of those fillings in her gaping maw?).

Last Call

Muddled acting, muddled plot and a crappy excuse for a horror film all around, all the naked skin in the world couldn't save this film. Go find HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS, or shell out for Cinemax if you're this desperate for skin. Better yet, just troll the net for porn. It's cheaper and less painful than this.

ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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