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LAST HOUSE ON THE BEACH
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Reviewed by: Zombie Boy

Directed by: Franco Prosperi

Starring:
Ray Lovelock
Florinda Bolkan
Sherry Buchanan

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
Three ridiculous bank robbers take refuge in a house full of Catholic school girls and their nun guardian until the heat blows over. Rape, murder, and hilarity ensues.
Is it good movie?
After pulling the lamest bank job outside of a Friz Freleng joint (where people get shot and fall down dead, even though there are no visible wounds, or maybe just a few ketchup spots on their shirts), our three complete ass-clowns start looking for a place to hold up for a few days. Because, you know, you wouldn’t want to have something like that set up before you start spraying a crowd with invisible bullets from your plastic machine gun. Luckily, their teeny-weeny sports car breaks down (with no smoke, or chugging, or stalling, or other indication that it is distressed) right near an affluent-looking beach house. Bonus!

The beach house just so happens to be chocked-full of nubile, virginal, parochial school teenaged girls, and their stern-faced sisterly chaperone. Recognizing a sweet deal when they see it, the boys, whose names never seemed important enough for me to learn (I choose to think of them instead by who they reminded me of, namely Denis Leary, C. Thomas Howell, and Ralph Malph) set about menacing the females into submission with such intense dialogue as, “This is a gun, and it shoots bullets!” And as these things normally do, it all devolves into rape and murder. Like when C. Thomas Howell inexplicably puts on more makeup than Frankenfurter and he and Ralph Malph violate young Lucia from behind, except that the angle makes it look like they are violating each other instead.

Ostensibly exploitation and nunsploitation, this is really an unintentional comedy. In lieu of gritty, sweaty, sadistic violence we get horror-lite, a discotechque-themed spit in the eye at Grindhouse cinema. The one truly horrific scene, where poor hybrid Lynn Lowry/Sissy Spacek-looking Eliza is dispatched with a cudgel up the kootchy-pop, is subverted into a Pink Flamingos outtake by her killer’s lemon-chiffon slacks. Or when The Angry Nun pops a cap in someone’s ass, the director made sure she did it standing in front of a Scrooge McDuck poster. I mean, this is the kind of thing you’ll be dealing with here. You’ve been warned.
Video / Audio
Video: 2.35:1/ 16:9 Widescreen presentation. Looks surprisingly good for being thirty-years old.

Audio: The DVD case says it is both in mono and Dolby Surround. I’m not quite sure how that’s possible, but there you have it.
The Extras
Holy Beauty vs. The Evil Beasts: This 30-minute interview with star “Ray Lovelock” is especially entertaining in light of the film’s awful English-dubbing, considering it is not dubbed or subtitled. Yes, the film gives you no option but the English dubbing, and the interview gives you no other option than to learn Italian. Which is too bad, since I would love to have heard the main character’s take on this film with three decades of water under the bridge.

Italian and German trailers: These are excellent: the Italian one because you get to hear the actual voices of the cast, and the German one because it looks like a Rammstein video. “Terror! Panik! Mord!”
Last Call
The Last House on the Beach, (whose originally title is La Settima Donna, which doesn’t sound like it contains either house or beach to me: gee, I wonder what film they were trying to skim an audience from) is a poorly dubbed, completely nonsensical film that is neither titillating nor tense. The back cover claims it is uncut and uncensored for the first time ever in America, but I can’t imagine what in this version would have needed to be censored. But fear not: it is excellent MSTK3 fodder! So have some friends over, lift your elbow, and start making jokes. Don’t worry, it won’t be difficult.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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