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LIGHTSPEED
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Reviewed by: Mike Catalano

Directed by: Don E. FauntLeRoy

Starring:
Jason Connery
Nicole Eggert
Daniel Goddard
Lee Majors

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
Through a freak accident and some kind of radiation, some army guy gains super speed and decides to don a fruity blue spandex suit and fight some evil, half-python/half-man guy.
Is it good movie?
"Hey, I've got a great idea!" cried one of the producers of LIGHTSPEED. "Let's make a superhero movie and slap Stan Lee's name on it. That way it'll definitely be good!"

Uh, first off: f*ck you! And NO, it will NOT be good! After looking up this movie, I learned that it was made for TV. I am not the slightest bit surprised. From the horrible next-scene edits to the pedestrian score, the entire production screams lower than made-for-TV. And please, excuse this review in case it comes off as a little vague, because this freakin' flick absolutely sucked at holding my attention.

Everyone involved with making this movie seemed to be just going through the bland motions... in slow motion! For a flick called LIGHTSPEED, that's kinda a problem! What's worse, I'm having trouble deciding which blatant instance of blandness to bring up first! Oh, let's just begin with our (not-so)superhero's costume. The guy literally walks into a sporting goods store and picks up this lame, full-body blue leotard, some skiing goggles, and this flimsy lower-face cover. The only thing more pathetic is Jason Connery's acting job inside the suit!

Ah, which brings me to the performances. I'm just gonna say it's L-A-M-E across the board. Everyone spits out their lines as if they're in the process of reading 'em directly from the shit script. Then again, could you motivate yourself to emote ridiculous lines like "My change into a serpent has been a little stressful"? And, yes, it gets even worse than that! It's almost as if LIGHTSPEED was conceived as a ridiculous lampoon, yet everyone involved decided to play it completely straight.

Ugh, do I even have to continue? The more I reminisce about this thing, the more lame I feel I'm becoming! Remember the TV series for THE FLASH that came out, like, 20 years ago? Well that is THE DARK KNIGHT compared to LIGHTSPEED. I even feel shamed for including those two titles in the same sentence. The best part about this movie was the abrupt ending, which just happens so fast, you'd get the feeling that the director just had enough and ordered an immediate cut to black.

Video / Audio
Video Widescreen 1.78:1

Audio English 5.1 Dolby Digital

The Extras
Absolutely Zero! Which is just as well.

Last Call
Horrible dialogue, horrible music, horrible editing, stupid costume: these are NOT the ingredients for making a successful superhero movie. LIGHTSPEED is so clearly cheap, there really was no friggin’ point in making it at all. I don't know what else to say...

DAREDEVIL was better! If that doesn't perfectly sum things up, I don't know what does.

ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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