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Reviewed by: Dave Murray

Directed by: Todd Wade

Starring:
Elina Madison
Jeff Doba
Mike Kimmel

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
Tina (Madison) is an internet model, tastefully showing off her goodies to many adoring fans. But when one of them takes his obsession too far, Tina must fight for her life, and her freedom, against a man who will do anything to make her love him.
Is it good movie?

There's something perversely pleasing about watching test cars slam into cement walls, tossing crash test dummies around in destructive glee. While this movie is pretty much like watching the same thing over and over again, it's neither as entertaining or as intelligent.

One of the most striking things you notice right from the opening scene is that the "gorgeous" internet model who is our "hero" in this stinkfest doesn't quite fit the role. Let me be harsh for a second... I found actress Elina Madison neither alluring nor sexy. One, she's got very little acting talent. Second, she has the body of a gawky teenage boy. I'm sorry, but when you base the premise of your movie on the looks and body of a supposed internet star, shouldn't those looks and body be sexy as hell? Just a gripe I guess.

But does the poor acting stop with just the female lead? Sadly no. Our hapless kidnapper Robert (played by Jeff Doba) is less than convincing in both his madness and his menace. This guy gives crazy internet stalkers a bad name, and that's saying something! But does this movie stop with just two laughably bad actors cast in horribly written roles? Hell no! The psychiatrist, played by Mike Kimmel has to be the most ineffectual and ignorant portrayal of a mental health professional ever to grace the medium of video! One of the few highlights of this drivel was watching this guy get offed. That was satisfying.

I tried hard to find something redeeming about this flick, but I guess when the director, Todd Wade, was also involved in such classic cinema work as Jewz N The Hood and Queer Eye For The Homeless Guy (so apparently there's not a lick of shame in the man), you have to set your expectations pretty low. Poor acting aside, the camera work is static and never explores any of the settings, the effects work is weak and consists of a few shots of blood being spit up (yipee!), the nudity is boring (thanks to the un-hotness of the woman in question), and the writing is attrocious. The DV look of the movie, as well as the complete lack of tension and an annoying soundtrack, really round out this hastily dropped turd.

But over and above it all, there was one thing that could have saved the flick and made it at least mildly entertaining. In a story like this, there should be some great torture scenes. I didn't find any here. Apart from terrorizing a very weak and wimpering captive, the kidnapper's main form of torture is....wait for it....a padded cell filled with speakers that emit the most annoying sounnd ever put on video! Now that's pathetic. Did I happen to mention the lack of tension throughout the entire movie? It wasn't even a decent exploration of the dangers and security/safety issues of internet modelling.

I tried to like it, but it just never gave me enough to get involved with.
Video / Audio
Video: Fullscreen 1.33:1, which with the direct-to-video miniDV quality of the film is just as expected.

Audio: English (Dolby Digital 5.1) The flick sounded great, especially the audio torture room that had my teeth wiggling. Damn that was annoying.
The Extras
Last Call
While a lot of direct-to-video indie gems have become important parts of my collection, I'm constantly surprised at the absolutely amateurish drivel that is put out there by any mook with a handycam and a half baked idea. Like most of the DV "features" out there, this one doesn't even qualify as a fun romp through dumb film land. Yes, it's that bad. There are so many quality indie flicks out there, containing more talent and tension than this lame dog displayed in any given scene. I hope these guys have other jobs, because the horror/thriller genre has no place for them. Good thing there's always porn.... because even these folks need cash. As long as they don't spend it on another movie like this.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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