MINTY THE ASSASSIN
Reviewed by: Dave Murray
Anthony Ray Parker
What's it about
Minty is an assassin, the feminist bastard child of a three way between Roger Corman, comic book heroines and kung fu flicks. The evil Dr. Brain Bender has taken Minty's sensei hostage, and our "sexy" heroine has to fight through crazy ninjas, deranged zombies and mutants, and a lesbian vampire named Double Delicious (I'm guessing that name is referring to the silicone holding her together), all of whom want nothing more than to stop Minty, get revenge, and apparently take all of her clothes off!
Is it good movie?
What's not to love right? Wrong. All kinds of painful, eyeball searing wrong. There are many things that can be said about Minty, but the large majority of them are negative. One thing you can't say with a straight face is that it's a good movie. Touted as a nerdcore wet dream come to life, and the ultimate comic book fantasy mixed with lesbian hijinks, I was actually hoping to be entertained here. But one look at the DVD cover made me apprehensive. I usually love the cheesy and overdone movies that Cinema Epoch puts out, but this one was just a mess.
The production values are below standard, and while some of the effects are entertaining, they don't fulfill whatever promises the movie aspires to. Seriously, not meaning to be insulting but this flick looks like it was shot on home video, with little to no budget, edited using iMovie or Windows Movie Maker and basic cut and paste skills, Some of the random animation is well done, if you ignore the fact that every location shot looks like it was painted by a color blind mental patient (and this was intentional, to give that comic book "vibe") or some terrible CGI, and you have the makings of a terrible movie, certainly not a cult classic.
Like many films before, Minty aspires to that cult status, and falls flat where it counts the most - acting. While I'm not saying the leads are terrible or anything, because there is some amount of talent there, but mostly what you get are the hammy and stilted B-movie cliche performances usually seen mostly in hardcore porn or really bad student films. I can't even praise the "sexiness" factor of the movie, because honestly, the rest of the flick just made me turn my brain off and stop paying attention. While the term "lesbian vampire" always catches my attention, one look at Double Delicious and her ridiculous vampire act shot a crossbow bolt through the male "oh look big boobs" part of my brain.
In the end, it just wasn't a good movie, it couldn't keep my attention, and I wasn't entertained. Then again, just what the hell was I expecting from a movie called Minty the Assassin!?!
Video / Audio
Video: It's not marked, so I'm guessing standard 1.68:1 Widescreen .
Audio: Again, I have no clue, but it sounds the same through both Dolby 2.0 and 5.1, so I'll hazard a guess that it's 2.0 Stereo.
Just a Trailer that made me want to watch the movie even less, and a Still Gallery that's an animated slideshow deal. We also get a ton, and I do mean a literal shitload of poster stills from other Cinema Epoch releases.
Yep, even with boobs, blood and ninjas I'm sad to say that the little safety switch in my brain that keeps me somewhat sane (relatively speaking) flicked itself into the off position, and I started making up my own story for Minty and her assassin shenanigans. In my head was born the idea for an ultra violent stealth video game based on Disney's Special Agent Oso, with Minty as the creepy and sexy villain/lust interest, except Minty was one of those scary as f*ck Living Dead Dolls with huge ass Desert Eagles. The movie was just that bad folks, that I retreated into some unsafe fantasy territory, and saved myself from the pain.