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MUTANTS
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Reviewed by: Pat Torfe

Directed by: Amir Valinia

Starring:
Michael Ironside
Steven Bauer
Louis Herthum
Tony Senzamici

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about

Instead of a good horror movie, let's have a story where an evil sugar manufacturer has found a way to make sugar as addictive as heroin, but the secret additive invented by the company's evil Russian scientist turns people into homicidal mutants. Let's also have the company's CEO order his underlings to kidnap runaway junkies off the streets to experiment on until they get the formula just right. One of the people kidnapped is the son of a security guard named Griff, whose daughter Erin works for the evil sugar company. Erin gets word of her boss' evil doings, as well as news of her brother being one of the kidnapped junkies. It's up to Erin, her father and a company strong-arm named Sykes to save the day.

Is it good movie?

During a recent discussion I had with someone, I said that Michael Ironside is my favorite actor to play the 'asshole character'. You know, the guy you can't help but love to hate, villain or otherwise? That's him. But why do I mention him now, only to devote the rest of this review to the film? Because like I'm doing now, Michael is only in the film for a short amount of time, and isn't even in his asshole mode. Really, his appearance, along with Steven Bauer's, are the only notworthy things about this 'film', which borders on being a miracle cure for insomnia.

With a title like MUTANTS, you'd expect to see scenes of folks being mutated, mutants munching on hapless victims or what have you. Not here. Much of MUTANTS consists of people sitting in rooms and saying a lot of 'nothing' dialogue. Sure, things are broken up by action scenes involving runaway junkies getting chased down, or a mutant popping up and being promptly axed, but those are in the minority. Like so many films that sell the sizzle but hold back on the steak, the film's 'big moments' involving the mutants are kept until the final minutes of the film. Even then, the mutants just spring out of the shadows every few seconds and are put down by gunfire. What's that? Where's the ugly mofo on the DVD cover? Well, turns out he's just a photoshopped baddie from a little film called ALIEN INVASION ARIZONA. Yeah, the original poster for MUTANTS wasn't crappy enough, it seems. The mutants themselves look like bad 28 DAYS LATER rejects.

Directing for this film must have been done through email, since how else can you explain the disjointed effort that's on the screen? Direction, along with the cinematography, special effects and acting are as bland as white rice. Actors phone their performances in (almost literally in the case of Bauer, since he's seen mostly via computer screen) and character development is nil, but what'd you expect when the plot unfolds via flashbacks of people blabbing? The worst part of the whole film is that as I mentioned before, Michael Ironside shows up near the end of the film, gets out of his car and fights with one of the bad guys. Before that, we only caught Ironside chatting it up with Bauer in snippets. Disappointment, much?

If you absolutely must see this film, you must have some sort of mental deficiency. Either that, or you're a mom of one of the crew. Other than that, I guess the film could be used as a sleep aid, since nothing ever happens, or you want to see Michael Ironside. If that's the case, check out TOTAL RECALL, STARSHIP TROOPERS, SCANNERS or any of the superior films in the man's career.

Video / Audio
N/A
The Extras
N/A
Last Call

The tagline for the film is 'Fear the truth'. Well, in the film's case, the truth hurts, as well. MUTANTS stinks like a hooker on payday, has next-to-no entertainment value, and is best forgotten for Ironside and Bauer's sake. As for this screener disk, at least I get a new beer coaster...

ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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