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NEOWOLF
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Reviewed by: Zombie Boy

Directed by: Alan Smythe (Smithee)

Starring:
Agim Kaba
Michael Frascino
Heidi Johanningmeier

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
A rock band that happen to also be werewolves terrify a couple stupid college kids.
Is it good movie?
A bimbo, her gay friend, and her estranged numbnuts of a boyfriend get hassled by a tour van full of Eurotrash werewolves. Numbuts wants bimbo back after he goes gallavanting across the country for a rock back reality show, and employs said gay friend to help him pull it off. She's stupid enough to fall for it, but he's too stupid to see it through. Instead he ends up playing guitar for the band of wolftards, and gets turned into one in the process. Now he must attempt to save her from their carnivorous lunar activities, while saving whatever shreds of his own humanity remain. Which, I have to say, don't seem to have been in abundance in the first place.

If you couldn't tell, I hated this movie. It sucked, and it sucked hard. I haven't tabulated all the data yet, but this may be the worst movie I have ever had the displeasure of having slither down my eyeballs. It looks like the Army recruitment videos they show before movies at the theater. You know, the ones with Kid Rock and Three Doors Down. Complete with the shitty power ballad. The cinematography seems engineered to make all the actors and sets look as bad as possible. It has this weird bronze cast to it, and all the camera moves are the herky jerky nonsense that bad filmmakers think is "stylized". The action scenes are sped up like a Benny Hill chase scene. And don't get me started on how stupid the "wolves" look. In full transformation they look sort of like the cavemen from the Geico commercials.

If you need further evidence of what a poopstorm this film is, it was directed by Alan Smithee (listed as Smythe in the credits). That is the pseudonym directors assume when they want to distance themselves from a movie. It is only awarded by the director's guild if the film was legitimately taken out of the hands of the director, but due to the clever spelling (not!) I'm willing to bet he just wanted out. Since the film's writer, Alessandro De Gaetano, directed the other three features he has penned, it is very probably he who needs to get the gas face. Because even if the final cut was taken away from him, that doesn't negate the fact that not one single frame of this film is watchable, however it was edited.

There is a musical performance by Go Betty Go, which is the only minor saving grace this film has. Even Veronica Cartwright sucked in it, and that is saying something.

EDIT: After some quick research, I see this was originally released as The Band From Hell. It is being re-released now as Neowolf, with a cover clearly mimicking the Twilight films. Need I say more?
Video / Audio
Video: The screener says 16x9 LB. The photography is shockingly bad. I can't even comment on the transfer, because I was so appalled by the images themselves.

Audio: Dolby 2.0, I believe. The sound is decent. Though for the most part I wish it would have crapped out.
The Extras
Screener.
Last Call
Avoid this movie like the plague. The music sucks, the werewolves are lame, and the cinematography is unwatchable. If you are a big Go Betty Go fan you may want to watch it, but I would suggest going through Herculean efforts to not pay for it. I don't want the producers of this film to make one thin dime. Maybe they'll not insult the camera so gratuitously in the future if they don't.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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