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PIRATES OF GHOST ISLAND
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Reviewed by: JimmyO

Directed by: Mitcheal Toles

Starring:
Melissa Powell
William Landsman
Tristan Baker

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
Six morons end up on an island with ghost pirates who sometimes kill and other times buddy buddy with the young folk. Meanwhile, the lead chick is getting possessed by a pirate chick and people sit around talking on this island. Yawn.
Is it good movie?
“Zoinks, Scooby… It’s Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-PIRATE GHOSTS!!!” Or is it Ghost Pirates? Well, Pirates on Ghost Island is just pure trash. This is a incompetently directed, amateurishly acted, incomprehensively written mess of a film. It’s like a shipwreck that has tossed everything on board, every which way and looks nothing like a ship anymore. Just pieces lying about that have long since lost shape of what they once were. This is beyond camp, or so bad it’s good, it’s just a boring waste of time with characters “explaining” what’s going on instead of offering a glimpse. The blood is just fake red muck thrown around as people die in ridiculous sorts of ways… who knew plants that don’t move could be so dangerous. This made Bela Lugosi and his fake octopus battle in Edward D. Wood Jr.’s brilliantly bad The Bride of the Monster look like pure cinematic genius (although I love that movie).

As for the story? I’m not sure there was a story aside from let’s put six young people on an island with no real explanation (aside from a couple of asinine attempts at one) and a bunch of “ghost pirates” that leave footprints. Yep, if these were ghosts, are they able to turn off the ghostly powers at any time. They are touching people, getting locked up and as I said, leaving footprints. And finally, a script that seems to just borrow a few phrases from Talk Like a Pirate Day Glossery and you got yourself a script. This would require lots of Arghs, a few mateys but I don’t remember hearing landlubber. So as I said, six young people are trapped on an island and they have vague memories of how they got there. Just as I have vague memories of a part of my life that I will never get back after watching this “movie”. So they walk around, the pirates walk around, some glowy blue light works its mojo on people. And I guess some demon is feeding on humans or something like that. Whatever.

Usually, I will mention performances that stand out, something I dug about the director or possibly set design and what have you. But I dug nothing about this film. Hell, even the T&A was almost non-existent. And the gore was just sad, even when a chick is cut up on the beach, it seemed so silly. You can see her arms buried in the sand. But thank the pirate king that they had fake blood. After all, fake blood can totally replace any kind of special effect… right? Oh it pains me that this film was as tragically awful as it was. So much so that I won’t even break down the actors and such, it was much too bad to spend time on that. If I went into detail on how bad this is, I could write a novel.
Video / Audio
Video: Well, kind of like the movie, the 4x3 Letterbox transer kinda sucks. But I'm guessing that this is the best quality the film could've had.

Audio: What do you think? With a 2.0 Stereo Audio, it's just as bad as the picture. Argh!
The Extras
Thank whatever pirate that decided to avoid special features. I don’t think I could’ve handled much more of this film. But we do get Trailers for “Acts of Death”, “Haunted Boat”, “Cross Bones” (Jeez, how many horror movies are gonna have pirates in them?) and “KVC: Komodo vs. Cobra”.
Last Call
A dreadfully bad and “campy” pirate flick that makes little sense and offers up nothing for genre fans. It only offers bad acting, bad directing, bad special effects and a really f*cking lame score. Yo Ho, Yo Ho… what a piece of dung. All this is, people standing around talking and sometimes attempting funny… the “In Fact…” dude couldn’t die fast enough. And who the hell thinks saying “In fact…” two hundred times in two scenes in funny? Dammit. I really hated this film. And no. I don’t recommend it. At all. The half star is purely because it reminded me of Scooby Doo.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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