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RIVER OF DARKNESS
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Reviewed by: Andre Manseau

Directed by: Bruce Koehler

Starring:
Kurt Angle
Kevin Nash
Ray Lloyd
Sid Vicious

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
When brutal murdering starts in a small riverside town, the sheriff must investigate and face the horrific past.
Is it good movie?
If you must know anything about me, know that I LOVE professional wrestling. I love it, love it, love it and am a former professional wrestler myself (don't worry, I never 'made it'). Wrestling is a HUGE part of my life, through the good times and bad. You also probably know that I love horror movies. I don't think I need to elaborate on that much. And now we have a modern horror film with pro wrestlers in it! Oh, this is going to be a treat.

If you're a wrestling fan, you're going to DIE laughing watching this movie. You'll see some faces from the past like Kevin Nash and Sid (and GLACIER~!) popping up as the mud monsters in this movie and that can truly get hilarious.They look like they normally do, except they've got dried mud and contact lenses. I love it. I'm not going to elaborate much more on the wrestling fan side of things though, let's talk about the movie as it is.

Anyway, Kurt Angle plays our hero Sheriff Logan. Nobody really seems to like him and he doesn't have a lot to do until a stupid waitress gets herself killed in a nasty and delicious way when she spends too much time at the wharf one night. The gimmick here is that there were three Jacob (Jonah, Joseph and Jaden, of course)brothers, played by former wrestlers. They were exiled from the small town due to accusations of rape and the city gave them the Freddy Krueger treatment.

Of course, it isn't just Kurt and the ghosts, there have to be stupid teenagers who are ghost-hunting as well so that Angle can have something to defend. Anyway, this movie turns out to be a true barrel of laughs from start to finish. The script was likely written on a bar napkin, and the dialogue is hilariously bad.

The acting is pretty brutal too, as if bad dialogue wasn't enough. Poor Kurt Angle is more wooden than Hacksaw Jim Duggan's 2 x 4 and his interaction with his fellow wrestlers remains brief. In terms of the monsters and their performances, let's just say it's a good thing that only Kevin Nash gets to speak.

The delivery of each line is painful and delayed and the whole kid-ghost hunter subplot is painfully forced. If there's anything good to say about the film, it's that Ray Lloyd (GLACIER~!)'s performance as Angle's competition for town sheriff was fun to watch, and that the movie tries to be really gory and nasty even though it ends up being laughably silly. I'll be quoting it for a long time to come.
Video / Audio
NA
The Extras
NA
Last Call
I loved watching this movie. It is truly hilarious and bad in every sense of the word. Whether or not this was an intentional thing, I'm not sure but I can assure you that this movie will provide you with entertainment. For those of you who love wrestling and have a substance to help you pass the wee hours of the evening should find this movie and watch it. Oh, it's TRUE!
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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