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SCORPIUS GIGANTUS
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Reviewed by: Rees Savidis

Directed by: Tommy Withrow

Starring:
Jeff Fahey
Jo Bourne Taylor
Jonas Talkington

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
Them dirty Russkies is at it again, and this time they've got Roger Corman pulling the strings; assembling a crack team of commandos (itís hard out here for a Jeff Fahey) and pitting them against some nasty, genetically-enhanced super-bugs in what is sure to be the knock-down, drag-out warehouse battle of this - or any Ė century.
Is it good movie?
What the f**k is a Scorpius Gigantus anyway? Is it Latin for ďshitty movieĒ? Because if it is, then the translation is perfect!

Iíve seen a whole lot of shitty movies in my day because as any good horror fan knows, youíve got to wade (sometimes waist-deep) through some pretty putrid f**king ass-water in order to find that gem way down at the bottom. For every Croaked: Frog Monster from Hell, thereís an Evil Dead. For every Space Zombie Bingo an Eaten Alive or Motel Hell waits just around the bend. Itís just the way of the world - keeping things balanced and such.

Itís with this understanding of the mechanics of the genre that I entered once more into the fray, into that no-budget, no-talentÖno-budget world of producing legend Roger Corman - circa 2006. You pretty much know what youíre getting into with a film like Scorpius Gigantus, so for me to sit here and tell you how much it licked balls is kind of moot - even though it does in fact lick balls. I contemplated doing my dishes three times during this film. Three times. Now I donít want to be hard on Scorpius Gigantus for the sake of simply polishing my wise-ass crown but Jesus! - This sumbitch is terrible. The story is recycled almost verbatim from Carnasaur 3 (I knew that? Shit, there goes my credibility), the actors read like they have yet to graduate up from porn, the CGI super-bugs look like rough anamatics my brother would produce (heís a carpenter) and to top it all off, Iím pretty sure Iíve seen wealth management videoís with better cinematography.
Video / Audio
VIDEO: 1.33:1 full frame (see wealth management video jab above).

AUDIO: Wow, honest-to God 5.1 Dolby Digital? With post-production audio fees what they are today, Iím amazed Scorpius Gigantus wasnít a silent film! For what itís worth though, it sounds perfectly fine.
The Extras
Roger Corman sure knows how to trim the fat out of DVD production. In fact there isnít even a trailer on this sucker! I can only assume then that the fact that Scorpius Gigantus ends is somewhat of a special feature in of itself.
Last Call
Donít bother folks, there is really nothing to see here.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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