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SILENT SCREAM
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Reviewed by: Andre Manseau

Directed by: Matt Cantu, Lance Kawas

Starring:
Scott Vickaryous
Melissa Schuman
Shanti Lowry

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
A bunch of dopey, stereotypical too-old-for-college kids head out to their psychology professor's vacation home and start getting offed by someone in a parka.
Is it good movie?
Back in 1998, at the tender age of 15, I found myself sneaking into an R-rated horror flick called Urban Legend. In it, a killer wearing a parka was offing some too-old-for-school kids who were often spouting smarmy dialogue and getting caught in stupid situations. I was thrilled throughout those 90 minutes, and simply got lost within the Scream rip-off's slice of escapism. Then something happened.

I grew up.

I once considered Urban Legend to be a great film, and now I can barely watch it. And so, you can imagine that this film, a low budget indie flick named Silent Scream (for some reason) really didn't get my hopes up; to be honest, it didn't fail to disappoint me in the least. What a piece of trash this movie is.

Formerly known as The Retreat (a much better title), this flick is a complete bore, and an utter rip-off of other slashers. And not only this, but it gets worse. Not only is this flick unoriginal and boring, but it repeats itself, trying to pass off repetition as an original plot device.

Has your curiosity been piqued yet? Want to know what I mean? Ok, the film begins with a bunch of horny teenagers who are driving to this remote location on an island (?) in the middle of the winter. Not long after this, Parka-killer shows and and wipes every one of them out. Then, THE NEXT DAY, the rest of their group shows up, wondering where their friends are while being horny, and still managing to get killed, but quick.

It sounds boring, and it is. It actually makes me a little bit sad to be writing so many words about this useless waste of film, because if I could, I'd sum it up fairly quickly: this movie's useless, forgettable, and completely uninspired.

If you want to know what you might like, if you're masochistic, or someone's torturing you by tying you down and making you watch it, look out for lots of tits, and blood. However, even these things manage to be boring within the context of this dog. Other than this, everything is awful. Acting is terrible, kills are lacking, plot is disposable, what more can I say?
Video / Audio
Video is a 1:33:1 Fullscreen picture. No movie should ever be presented in full screen, as if watching this wasn't bad enough, I have to watch a cropped picture!

Audio comes in 5.1 Dolby, and sounds fine.
The Extras
Extras? i'll list them in riveting order, as they are listed on the back of the box.

You know your DVD is bare when you list this kind of stuff as extras: 4x3 Full Screen

5.1 Dolby Digital Audio

Interviews with the Cast (oh man, this is the only feature on the disc, and it's just terrible, I have a hard time believing anyone could say positive things about this) English Closed Captions

English and Spanish Subtitles

Trailer

Wow, can you believe it? English AND Spanish subtitles? I'm in special feature heaven.
Last Call
So, I think it's safe to say that Silent Scream is probably going to end up as my favorite film of 2007. I will also soon be swearing off women. I also plan to start watching reality TV, to become a vegetarian, and to become the president of the Dr.Uwe Boll fan club.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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