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SIMON SAYS
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Reviewed by: JimmyO

Directed by: William Dear

Starring:
Crispin Glover
Margo Harshman
Greg Cipes

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
Two hillbilly, redneck twin boys are born and cause a helluva lotta trouble for some townsfolk. It too darn bad that thez purty young girls are havin’ ta die. Basically, this is a bad killer in the woods flick with Crispin Glover.
Is it good movie?
I like Cripin Glover. I like him enough that I can’t believe he was so utterly wasted in Simon Says. He plays Simon and his twin brother Stanley. Stanley is envious of Simon because he is slow so his parents give him more love. They grow up and Stan becomes a way too drawn out Southern dialect speaking, murderous son of a bitch. That is it. Oh, of course there are a bunch of nubile young hot dudes and dudettes that you can look at until Stan gets out his pick axe throwin’ thingamabob that seems to waste a lot of time chucking these sharp lil’ weapons of death. And his victims are all equally dumb and dull. Aside from the occasionally entertaining stoner played by Greg Cipes (the best part is his song). But seriously, these guys are absolute morons. Why on earth do people constantly make fun of mentally unstable people in horror films? Calling them ‘tard’ usually doesn’t sit well. Especially in small remote places with one building that represents the entire “town”.

So here we are, another killer in the woods flick with a dumb hick spouting off “You gotta say Simon Says!”. They have the Scooby van, they smoke weed, they have sex and they don’t even seem to like each other. They enter Simon’s woods or whatever, and then, suddenly we spend a bunch of time with a group of paintball weekend warriors forgetting completely about the main group. Come on guys, hasn’t Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives already covered this territory, and much better? The problem with this little detour is that it is so poorly edited in that you care even less about the morons that you are supposed to be caring about. And yes, this is trying to be funny and spoofing the genre, but it seems like director William Dear is insulting horror movies more than paying ‘homage‘ or spoofing them. Mr. Dear is not a regular with this kind of flick, his previous work includes Harry and the Hendersons and Angels in the Outfield. He didn’t make a good horror film, and he didn’t make a good spoof, he only made a painfully dull movie that wants to funny and thrilling. It succeeds at neither.

The description of this film claims to have “some extremely creative (and extremely gruesome)” kills. Maybe this would be true if you haven’t seen too many horror films. Personally, I kept thinking about another cheapie horror film that tried to do what this did and was far more entertaining. While Tim Sullivan’s 2001 Maniacs actually had creative kills, it also had a pulse. Sadly, Simon’s jokes fall flat and the editing makes no sense. It felt thrown together with way too many nods to good horror movies. Hell, I watched the very bland excuse for a horror film, the Prom Night remake after this and I liked that better than this mess. Crispin Glover is certainly capable of a role like this and we’ve seen him do some really bizarre and interesting films recently. This isn’t one of them.
Video / Audio
The Extras
Last Call
If you seriously are such a huge fan of Crispin Glover… go check out the new release of Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter because it is so much better than Simon Says. Okay, I guess if you have to see everything he is in, feel free to check this out. But it might be a good idea to drink a lot, and maybe have another flick ready to go directly after. Again, this made the Prom Night remake seem slightly entertaining… even with the “creative murders”. Simon says, go watch Wild at Heart or any other movie with Mr. Glover and avoid this.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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