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THE BEAST IN SPACE
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Reviewed by: Zombie Boy

Directed by: Alfonso Brescia

Starring:
Sirpa Lane as Sondra
Vassili Karis as Captain Larry
Venantino Venantini as Juan Cardoso

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
Ugly people having futuristic sex in space.
Is it good movie?
Oh my dear lord, talk about a movie that doesn’t need to exist. The Beast in Space is an unnecessary “sequel” to The Beast, already an unnecessary movie itself. It’s like an original Star Trek episode on crack. Captain Greek Guy meets Swedish Chick at a space bar, boffs her, and is surprised to find himself later serving with her on a spaceship, on a mission to pick up some cockamamie metal on some cockamamie planet. The rest of the pertinent crew is made up of Italian Porno Chick, Superfluous Get Naked Man, and Superfluous Get Naked Chick. When they get to the remote planet, they are greeted by Giant Robot Thing, Faun/Robot/Creepy Hairy Guy, and Space Pirate Guy, who essentially plays the Harry Mudd character, if you are stepping in what I’m putting down.

They proceed to don colorful silk outfits that are all one red nose away from clown suits, and have an amazing amount of nasty sex (think female sticking nose in hairy man’s ass) that has nothing to do with the bleached skeleton of a “plot”. There is also the obligatory laser gun chase scene and the smoke machine-obscured battle to the death with Giant Immobile Computer Who Runs the Planet. If you take any of this film even mildly serious, you should seek professional help, toot suite.

However…the film gets to the point where it actually becomes fun to watch. The utter ridiculosity of the proceedings goes all the way through the spectrum of terribleness and somehow emerges on the other side as an unintentional comedy. The best viewing method I can assume for this feature would be a room full of your thickest-skinned buddies, and plenty of pizza and beer. A fun drinking game would be whenever the strange shimmed-in shot of a hand clutching a breast, obviously footage shot well after the film was wrapped and stuck in some of the oddest places, comes on screen, take a shot: you’ll be schwilly in no time.
Video / Audio
Video: 1.85:1, totally fake widescreen (characters that are supposed to be onscreen sometimes aren't). The video quality, probably shite from day one, in some scenes of this transfer goes from tarnished brass to a sickly yellow, like the cinematographer’s dog pissed on the footage. But when you're watching the bar scene, and the main character orders “Uranus Milk”, I guess an askew color scheme is the least of your worries.

Audio: Dolby Digital, mono, Italian with optional English subtitles. Another thing that makes this movie a trip to watch is the fact that the multi-national cast were almost all dubbed by Italian actors, so that you end up reading subtitles while watching lips not in sync with the spoken dialogue.
The Extras
The Special features here are limited to one making-of piece, which turns out to be Italian narration about the film, and an interview with the now elderly Venantino Venantini (who played the Harry Mudd wannabe) in English, who proceeds to talk about The Beast in Space almost not at all. It’s a bizarre capper to a bizarre DVD. We do learn about the untimely demise of Sirpa Lane, the Swedish Chick from both Beast films, who died of AIDS at the age of 44. I guess she drank too much fake spooge pumped out of too many fake manimal penises. That sort of thing is bound to catch up to a person.
Last Call
The Beast in Space is a terrible, awful, horrid film. I can’t suggest anyone ever watch it, but I can say that I sure had a really good time with it. If you are a big Star Trek fan, or simply a connoisseur of cinema done in poor taste, this delicious slice of Formunda cheese may just be for you!
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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