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THE COOK
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Reviewed by: JimmyO

Directed by: Gregg Simon

Starring:
Mark Hengst
Kit Paquin
Makinna Ridgway

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
Over a long weekend at a local sorority house, a bunch of the girls stick around for drugs, lesbian sex and even a little studying. But when a substitute cook comes in with some devious intentions, the girls soon find out they will not only be there for dinner, they will be the dinner.
Is it good movie?
How in the world can a horror film with gratuitous gore and nudity be bad? Well, for starters, I guess it depends on who is in the kitchen. The Cook is more of a borefest than a gorefest. This basic, hot chicks being terrorized in a sorority house is not marred by the actors, they do the best they can with the script. All they are given is a bunch of stereotypes. Dumb, obnoxious and downright deserving of the cleaver that is about to give them a chopping, they are not quite able to escape the ridiculous and mostly unfunny dialogue. In one sequence, a group of these “kids” are playing trivial pursuit type of game and they describe a scene from FRIDAY THE 13th: THE FINAL CHAPTER. But the scene they are talking about is only a partial match to what was actually in FRIDAY THE 13th PART 2. Should this bother me? The fact that they can’t keep their Jason stories straight? Well yes, because this felt like a lazy attempt to make a clever, self-referential horror film.

As for the story, I think I gave a pretty accurate description above. The substitute cook (Mark Hengst) arrives and begins to make his meals after a drunken slut is killed. First off, she is one of the worst sluts I have ever seen on film. The constant, “I want cock.” type of dialogue didn’t feel real coming out of her mouth and she really seemed like she should have been smarter than that. She didn’t look like the whore type. But after she is chopped and grinded in a bizarre montage of mayhem, she is served up in the most disgusting sloppy joes I have ever seen, but these girls go apeshit over them and lick them up. Literally, one chick is almost tonguing the damn sandwich and she makes Elizabeth Berkley's hamburger love in Showgirls seem brilliant. And one by one, each of the women get knocked off in this small home, while nobody seems to hear either the women’s terrified screams or the cook’s psychotic outbursts. I’m telling you, these are the dumbest sorority girls ever, and that really has to say something right there eh?

As for the cook himself, I thought Mark Hengst was pretty good and deserved a better film. When he was doing his psycho stuff he came across like he might be terrifying in another movie. But again, he was a stereotype of a Hungarian guy that keeps giving the thumbs up and saying, “OKAY!” or “I’m the cook!”. The problem with creating “The Slut”, “The Bible Beater”, “The Predatory Lesbian” (although pretty much everybody in this film is a lesbian) and “The Good Girl” is that is all they were. I felt not a thing for any of them, even they supposed horror flick heroine. I think this might have been a good idea maybe but the barely above a porno look and the ridiculously unfunny script make for a surprisingly dull z grade horror film. This even has lesbian sex and I still could give a crap!
Video / Audio
Video: This Anamorphic Widescreen Presentation (2.35:1) is fine, but it can’t hide the fact that it looks like a porno.

Audio: Again, the Dolby Surround 5.1 and the Dolby Surround 2.0 are fine but it just feels like this should have had hardcore sex in it. It doesn’t by the way.
The Extras
The films Commentary with Executive Producer/Writer/Editor Nicholas Bonomo, and actors Mark Hengst, Makinna Ridgway, Kit Paquin, Nina Fehren and Brooke Lenzi is a fine listen. Each of them seem to really enjoy the film but do realize that it is not great art. A telling moment, and one that really makes it clear why the film doesn’t work is when the writer is talking about deciding to make a horror film because those usually sell. Sadly, it is obvious that there was not a lot of love for the genre here.

Next up is the music video style Behind the Scenes: THE COOK (4:29) which is just fluff and not all that interesting of a watch.

And finally, I liked Mark Hengst (“The Cook“) Audition Footage (2:41) just because I sort of enjoy seeing how people got the role. The guy seems to be a very good actor in need of a better script than this.
Last Call
This is not a horror film made for the love of horror. The self-referential material is lame and oftentimes, just wrong as with the FRIDAY THE 13th references. The actors handle themselves well, I even thought the druggie was kind of funny, but this there is no redemption in the script and dull direction. It’s sad that a movie that is described as “…a nightmare of graphic slaughter, involving cannibalism and heaping helpings of gourmet nudity…” is so damn dull. This cook didn’t seem to have a very good recipe.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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