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THE GREEN MONSTER
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Reviewed by: Ryan Doom

Directed by: Bryan Roberts, Nolan Ball

Starring:
Kachina Dechert
Beatrice Strobl and Bethany Taylor

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
A trio of teens encounters a gas station owning couple who dig killing, making chocolates, and dumping corpses into a dumpster.
Is it good movie?
Thereís nothing quite like starting a film with a teen giving birth to a baby in a dirty gas station bathroom. To make matters worse, the teen isnít real pleased about the whole baby thing, so she kills and disposes of the body in a green trash dumpster behind the store. From there, sheís hitches a ride with a dirty redneck, gets strangled, and then gets sliced up via table saw. In teaching writing, I tell my students they need an effective hook to draw readers in. The Green Monster does that Ė for better or worse.

I suspect directors Bryan Roberts and Nolan Ball are fans of Rob Zombie. Itís probably a little unfair drawing comparisons to Zombie because itís not like he invented his own horror genre or anything. In fact, he lifted various films from the 70s like so many directors have done. The comparison comes from the dialogue and Zombieís love for trashy, fast-talking killer scumbags. He has that market cornered. In The Green Monster, its bad, bad clerks end up a little too fiendish and hip. I kept thinking either Captain Spalding or Otis. But maybe that was just me.

Iím not 100% sure where to place a flick like The Green Monster. Itís gory, entertaining, somewhat funny, and just wrong. However, itís also dull and dimwitted and it struggles to find a proper tone. At times the horrific deeds of the convenience store killers are horrific in deed, but then thereís a mini-love story in a high school backdrop and some of the worst and dumbest looking cops ever put into a motion picture. In the end, nothing feels cohesive. Perhaps thatís due to the screener copy I viewed. I donít know. Iím not sure if this is the final edit or not. If it is, Iíd suggest that if thereís an appearance of police in a crime movie, their presence needs to be felt. They (or at least one of the cops) need to be taken seriously. Even if our villains are exaggerated, they need a straight man to play off of. One could argue that the three teen girls are that serious opposition, but hell, that makes no sense. What impact they do have is pretty minimal.

Regardless, watch a movie like The Green Monster for what it is. Itís goofy, stupid, gory, lame, yet somehow entertaining. The quality isnít exactly top notch, but Iíd have to imagine the budget is as thin as the character development. And thatís pretty thin.
Video / Audio
Video: Widescreen presentation.

Audio: Presented with the power of really good sound (wasnít listed)
The Extras
Notta. Screener.
Last Call
Worth a watch for gore fans and people who really dig Rob Zombie movies. A graphic, blood-soaked adventure thatís wrong on so many levels. Of course, thatís a reason to give it a chance.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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