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THE WICKER TREE
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Reviewed by: Mike Catalano

Directed by: Robin Hardy

Starring:
Brittania Nicol
Henry Garrett
Christopher Lee
Graham McTavish

Movie:  
star star star
Extras:  
star star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
A couple of devout Texas Christians from the evangelical church, Cowboys for Christ, are sent on a mission to spread the word of the Lord to a strange group of people in Scotland in this "companion piece" to the original Wicker Man.
Is it good movie?
Oh, Lord, this movie is just all kinds of awful! There really should be nothing more to say, but I do have a duty as a reviewer for AITH to provide some type of astute(?) essay to back my shit up. Hence, if you're a glutton for punishment, keep on reading (or just go watch THE WICKER TREE).

This is not 1973's THE WICKER MAN. I don't think this is even Nic Cage's infamous remake (I still refuse to watch that one). TREE was directed by Robin Hardy, who actually helmed the original MAN nearly 30 years ago. Within that time span, I can only guess that he either grew severely desperate for cash or kinda loopy. I just don't understand what could convince him that making THE WICKER TREE would be a good idea. I get that he is trying to somehow duplicate the campy, creepy, comedic vibe of MAN, but it is not done well at all.

You know how some overly religious, church-y people can be real annoying? Well, this movie's about a couple of 'em! Only the ones in this movie are even more annoying than the real life ones! The girl sings about the Lord (badly) and is not the best actress. The boy comes off as a cowboy that needed to ride the short bus and yes, he's an even worse actor than the chick. The rest of the cast is just as weird and even more unlikable. Christopher Lee (who was in the '73 original) even shows up briefly and looks like death.

What also really sucked was that the horror element didn't kick in till about 3/4 of the way through the movie. There is literally nothing even remotely horror until, basically, the terrible ending (which kind of stole from the HOUSE OF WAX remake). The fact that there was nothing even remotely interesting about the first 3/4s of the flick didn't help matters. I actually felt insulted that the filmmakers expected me to sit through the crap they were shoveling. As soon as I ejected the Blu-Ray, I threw it inside a giant wicker statue of Nicholas Cage and set the whole damn thing on fire.

Video / Audio
Video Widescreen 2.35:1

Audio English dolby digital with Spanish subtitles.

The Extras
A Behind the Scenes featurette that was very depressing because all the filmmakers and actors that were interviewed seemed to think that they were actually making something good.

A bunch of Deleted Scenes that didn't make much sense, hence they could have stayed in the movie.

Finally, the film's Trailer.

Last Call
So, can you tell I really liked this film? No, it was pretty f*cking bad. Corny, in a bad way, with no redeeming value, coupled with inept acting and an irrelevant story. This isn't even the kind of bad you get drunk with your friends to laugh at.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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