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THE WITCHES HAMMER (R2)
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Reviewed by: Rees Savidis

Directed by: James Eaves

Starring:
Stephaine Beacham
Claudia Coulter
Andrew Callum

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
A young woman is taken under the wing of a shadowy organization and genetically transformed into a kung-fu fighting vampire charged with (yup, you guessed it) bringing down a darker more sinister race of vampires hell-bent on world domination.
Is it good movie?

This wonderful little turd comes to us courtesy of our fine friends across the pond Ė England to be exact Ė and I must say, itís both refreshing and sad to know that they are just as capable of making shitty movies as we are over here. Part Matrix, part La Femme Nikita and part BladeÖwith the FX budget of a Dr. Who episode, The Witches Hammer is not only a film in the middle of a terrible identity crisis, itís muddled as all-hell to boot. Sitting through this UK import is like trying to watch a television series half-way through its season with hopes of making heads or tales of whatís happening; not an easy task, I assure you.

Sadly, the confusing storyline is the least of The Witches Hammerís problems. Sure the film is amateurish and shot-on-the-cheap, but itís obviously a labor of love for those involved; so why then canít we at least try for something a little bit more original? Aside from a number of painfully misplayed similarities to the three films I mentioned in the last paragraph, The Witches Hammer also tries (and fails) to capitalize on the successful marriage of witty black-humor and horror that made Buffy The Vampire Slayer such a runaway hit. Unfortunately (for him and us) writer / director James Eaves is no Joss Whedon, and his attempts to inject laughs or sly winks into the proceedings do nothing but up the goofy factor and derail the tone of the film. Had Eaves played his film straight all-the-way through, it might have leant an urgency to the story Ė something it desperately needed Ė and added weight to the narrative instead of cheesing it up.
Video / Audio
The Extras
Last Call
I almost certain that there is an audience out there (somewhere) thatíll eat this shit up and smile through every mouthful. The Witches Hammer may have worked for me had it done more to create an identity for itself instead of mimicking much better films that have come before it.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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