THE WOODS HAVE EYES
Reviewed by: JimmyO
What's it about
A bunch of really dumb kids go looking for the legend of a crazed psycho nut bag named Cappy. Unlucky for them, a bunch of dumb psycho killers led by Cappy himself hunt down the kids. I really couldn’t figure out who is dumber.
Is it good movie?
Well it’s not hard to figure out that when a movie blatantly borrows from it’s title from a more popular film, it might not be as good. Thus we have The Woods Have Eyes which truthfully, if these woods did have eyes, they must be blind. You got a group of kids, some of which look around the age of 15 years old (which I do give kudos to) and they are all at some kind of vacation spot with their families. All the boys decide that it would be cool to track down the urban legend of “Cappy’s Cabin”, which is home to some kind of lunatic. Now truthfully, I kind of felt that their might be some promise because I love these kinds of “lost in the woods, stalked by psycho films”, but the hope of a good movie soon faded. The problem is that all the characters are completely dumb. Every single one of them down to the killers. The teens walk around while they know they are being stalked and have really loud conversations and don’t even make a strong effort to get home. And the killers, one of which is kind of slow, seem to have no sense of anything, except smell because one a-hole kid (the oldest of the bunch) is wearing cologne.
I will say that director Anthony Indelicato offers up a few effective shots while casting a few likeable actors. Yet pacing wise this is much too slow. I’m all for offering character development, but the more that these characters develop, the more annoying they get. When it comes to the final chase sequence, I didn’t feel any tension or much else besides the movie was still on. I will say that some of the gore was okay for such a low budget, but at the same time, it didn’t seem all that original or terribly necessary. And the dumb kids have all this time to create a few booby traps or camouflage themselves with trees, but according to their parents they have no real outdoors survival skills. And I have to agree with the parents on this one because they keep sticking around. A few moments in the film they try to escape, but no, they have to go get their obviously dead buddy from old Cappy’s place. Oh yeah, you know who else is dumb? The friggin’ cops. They keep searching the woods and can’t find their heads in their asses. So maybe this isn’t the worst of the slasher in the woods sub-genre, but it certainly isn’t even close to being all that good.
Video / Audio
Video: The 2.35:1 widescreen transfer is surprisingly good for the budget.
Audio: The 5.1 Dolby Surround and 2.0 Dolby Stereo are also pretty good here.
Okay, we have a pretty weak selection of either The Making of a Stunt which features a likeable Garrett Harrison prepping for a stunt where he is pulled through a window. It‘s a slightly enjoyable look at how low budget films deal with stunts. And next we have a Blooper Reel where the director screams a lot and they tell A.J. Diaferio to tuck his dick in. There you have it… if these woods could talk.
And there are Trailers for “The Dead One”, “Wages of Sin” and “Memory”.
I’ve seen worse films than this and the director offers up a competent looking film, even the actors do good enough work. But the characters are so painfully idiotic that you can’t help but wish they would all just go away. The killers, the teens, the parents, the cops, I didn’t buy any of it. Almost every choice made by these morons is incredibly dumb. It takes way too long for the killing to start, although a little bit of gore is on view. I’d say, head to the hills and keep out of the woods until you find a more worthy forest loving psycho. And the box says that it was inspired by true events... um, okay.