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TWELVE
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Reviewed by: Ryan Doom

Directed by: Joel Schumacher

Starring:
Chance Crawford
Rory Culkin
and Curtis Jackson

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
A multi-character story involving New Yorkís rich, snobby young elite mixing with the low-level drug dealers who supply them. When the rich kids want drugs, only bad things can happen, namely people get shot and get high. Not necessarily in that order.
Is it good movie?
One thing anyone can say about Joel Schumacher is you never know what to expect. Iíve always liked the guy as heís had way more hits then misses (namely Lost Boys, Tigerland, Flatliners, Falling Down, 8MM, Time to Kill, and then he killed Batman and that crappy Jim Carrey number movie). Letís face it though, itís been a long time since he was relevant. That hasnít stopped him however as he keeps making pictures even though his career went ass up with his last movie Blood Creek, which went near direct to DVD. Twelve finds him now in the solely in the DVD categoryÖand itís no surprised. While the film has a decent cast namely with Rory Culkin, Curtis ď50 CentĒ Jackson, and Emma Roberts, it doesnít matter. Itís a stinker. A bore. A failed exercise.

The biggest problem with Twelve comes from the movieís inability to separate the characters. Everyone here is completely and utterly surface level, without any real life to the characters. In fact, I couldnít distinguish a single damn one of them. Each of the women, though they had different hairstyles, had exact same personalities. I couldnít remember who was who. The men werenít much better minus Rory Culkin, but maybe thatís because he looks like his bro. 50 Cent stands out as the drug dealer, but considering he is a former drug dealer, it didnít seem a real stretch. But he does play pretty gritty bad guy. The acting is fine, but thereís just no life. Schumacher employees Kiefer Sutherland as the narrator to give us backstories on the characters to make the story clearer, but the problem with narration is that sometimes it is relied on too much. I like little narration, but Schumacher allows him to chat nonstop in an effort to make us interested.

Twelve revolves around a drug dealer named White Mike, who is perhaps the only sober, non-smoking, non-social drug dealer in New York. Hell, he even lives on a on an uncovered mattress. Talk about lame. Anyway, heís about the dullest drug dealer ever with zero personality or character. Iím not sure if thatís the script or the actor, but thereís nothing there. He never has a moment that defines him. It tries with a little tale about his dying mom, but itís not enough. But thatís the problem with all the characters. Thereís too many of them as the movie attempts to emulate twisting tales like Go or Pulp Fiction. It fails on all accounts. What should be in examination of rich kids gone wild and parents inability to control (along with the required bits of sex, drugs, and chaos) in a world where only money matters is nothing more than a thin examination of nothing. Too bad. A wasted opportunity.
Video / Audio
Video: A crisp and clear Widescreen presentation.

Audio: Presented with the power of 5.1 Dolby Digital Surround.
The Extras
Notta.
Last Call
While sometimes the story is interesting and has a pretty good ending, all the time in between the first and final moments are an utter bore. Schumacher at his worst.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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