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TWILIGHT VAMPS: LUST AT FIRST BITE
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Reviewed by: Zombie Boy

Directed by: Fred Olen Ray

Starring:
Brandin Rackley
Frankie Cullen
Christine Nguyen

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
A man being cuckolded by his secretly lesbian girlfriend finds himself battling strip club vampires.
Is it good movie?
Jack is a decent fellow: hard-working and earnest to the point of puppyhood. He's the kind of schmuck that life likes to tie up and beat regularly. His girlfriend won't give his penis the time of day, mainly because she is too busy clandestinely munching carpet, his boss doesn't appreciate the overtime he is putting in every day, and his slacker co-worker got a juicy promotion even though his reports were plagiarized off the internet. And just when he thinks he has stumbled on something good (the mythical stripper with a heart of gold) he finds out that she is a vampire. Now he must fend off her wily fangs and clear his name from a murder that one of her fellow monsters committed that has been pinned on him by an overzealous police detective.

Man, I don't know why I bothered typing out that plot description. That one paragraph is probably longer than the entire script to this pointless movie. I'm not sure who the target audience is for this dogcrap, but I'm sure not in the demographic. Imagine a pornographic movie that has been edited so that you never see a penis, only get one or two fleeting images of a vag, and absolutely no penetration or visible oral sex. There is no horror element, either, regardless of the premise. The girls occasionally bare plastic dimestore fangs, and once or twice you see some nail polish painted down the side of a dude's neck, simulating blood. There are copious sex scenes, both hetero and lesbian, and more skinny bitches displaying their plastic titties than you can shake a stick at, so I guess if you are fifteen-years old, this movie is for you.

Fred Olen Ray has directed, under many different names, nearly 100 films. If you threw them all into a sieve graded for "worthwhile viewing" and shook vigorously, you might be left with half a dozen entries, if you were in a forgiving mood. This is not one of them. It's decent quality for a shot on video film, with the exception of two of the worst day for night scenes I have ever witnessed. There are some mild attempts at humor towards the end, but mostly it is a supremely boring endeavor, failing at both horror and pornography. Otto: or Up with Dead People or Dawna of the Dead it is not. I would suggest picking up Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers instead, a movie Ray directed back when he gave an ass what he was churning out.

On a side note, the cheap-ass DVD spun like a top in my player, making an ominous noise the whole time and sort of scaring me. I'd hate for my maching to be ruined by smegma like this.
Video / Audio
Video: Shot on video. Looks decent enough.

Audio: Sounds fine
The Extras
Two trailers: one for itself, and one for Bikini Frankenstein.
Last Call
If you are too young to rent a real porno, have no unrestricted access to the internet, or have never actually lain with a member of the opposite sex, this movie will titillate you. Otherwise, it's a big snooze. There are many naked women, but the sex scenes are simulated so poorly as to be parody. There is also no horror whatsoever, so it fails on every account. Avoid.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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