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VAMPIRE BOYS
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Reviewed by: Zombie Boy

Directed by: Charlie Vaughn

Starring:
Christian Ferrer
Jason Lockhart
Dylan Vox

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
As a vampire nears his hundredth birthday, he needs to find and turn his true love before he and his coven perish.
Is it good movie?
Jasin is a tortured vampire. You can tell the depth of his conflicted nature by the way he never uses contractions. Or wears a shirt. Sure, he sustains his existence by drinking the warm blood of the innocent from their torn open necks, but he is really a romantic guy. Due to some cockamamie vampire lore of needing to have found your one true love and turned them so they can spend eternity with you by your hundredth anniversary, Jasin and his coven of similarly unshirted bloodsuckers are on the brink of extinction. Enter Caleb.

Wow. Let me rephrase that.

Caleb is a recent transplant to L.A., having run from his swim team prestige in his native Ohio. He is rooming with internet friend Paul, and develops a psychic connection with Jasin. This causes a rift with Paul, who is jealous that Caleb is having gay sex with Jasin. He thinks Caleb should be having gay sex with him instead. But like I said, Jasin is really such a sweet vampire. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone. Not really. He only wants true love. When he senses Paul is causing distress to Caleb, he has his coven drain Paul of his precious blood and set fire to his corpse. That, my friends, is romance.

Eventually there is dissension amongst the ranks in the bitchy, non-threatening vampire coven for some reason that is never fully understood, and the situation comes to a head (sorry, couldn’t help it). Jasin must decide if Caleb is worth the friction he causes (sorry, again) and Caleb must decided if he wants to become a creature of the night. At this point I had to decide whether to slit my wrists or gouge my damned eyes out.

Vampire Boys can only loosely be called a movie. It only just barely scrapes the 70-minute mark, and plays like Anne Rice writing as Stephanie Meyer for an after school special. The dialogue is ridiculous, the performances high school play level. I would have respected it more if it fell in line with its heterosexual counterparts and kept the plot points as flimsy excuses to have bare chests (just dudes instead of chicks) but it’s the inclusion of the contrived, saccharine, terrible romance aspect that makes it truly offensive.
Video / Audio
Video: Screener. Looks like a WB show…with exposed penis.

Audio: Screener. Sounds fine.
The Extras
Nada. Screener.
Last Call
Vampire Boys doesn’t even have the courtesy to be gay porn. It’s like the pure distillation of everything that’s wrong with the vampire subgenre of horror: hammy delivery of clichéd dialogue and more romance than blood. Unless you’re a gay male with no discerning film taste, or a chick who wants to see the proverbial shoe on the other foot, avoid this clunker.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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