PLOT: Two unconscious human bodies are slowly dismembered, disemboweled and utterly eviscerated by a mysterious legion of a masked men with cameras.
REVIEW: My oh my. It's truly a humbling blow when years of film review yields you the assignment of critiquing a flick so dumbly dirt-poor and bafflingly inept as AMERICAN GUINEA PIG: A BOUQUET OF GUTS AND GORE. Guys, are my movie reviews really that bad? Are they? Perhaps they are, but surely they can't be as woeful as this equally vein and masturbatory mess of ponderous self-indulgent twaddle. Put it this way, this so called "movie" runs at just under 73 minutes, and it still took me several breaks before getting through the end. It's that atrociously, unimaginably, unwatchably bad! Good god where to start!?!
Now, before I proceed to run this filthy pig to the abattoir for slaughter, and before you say, but Jake, what about the original Japanese GUINEA PIG from the 80s that this "movie" may or may not be parroting? To that I say yes, I'm aware, and I don't one iota of care. This here remedially dicey assemblage of poor film stocks by Stephen Biro, whatever the intention, amounts to nothing short of a steaming barrel of effluvious bilge! A huge, honking sewage-plant, whose only redeemable quality, if you could dare call it such, is that it makes the original Japanese short film look like f*cking LA JATEE in comparison...light years ahead! With every fiber of my being, I honestly detested this "movie" more than any I've been assigned to review. Here at AITH or anywhere else.
Let's start with the dubious technical choices made. The flick, in an attempt to mirror a kind of low-fi grindhouse aesthetic, is comprised of various low-grain film stocks that offer zero consistency or cohesion to the overall look of the film. I'm talking about a Zapruder 8mm cam, a cheap-ass home-video camcorder, and hell, maybe even an iPhone camera...all intercut together, replete with numerous red-screen dead-spots (meant to indicate a spent reel) and dropped sound channels. Intentional or not, the result is completely distracting, reminiscent of an awful home-video shot by a concussed, punch-drunk 8 year old. And that's being nice about it. Seriously, two-bit polygamists show higher fidelity than this piece of shit. Hell, 1929 didn't have stock this shaky!
I sincerely can't imagine who this movie is for. I'm quite certain hardened Death Row inmates wouldn't even give this junk-job a day in court. It's literally 70 plus minutes of absolutely no story, zero acting, instead it's merely a continuous loop of poorly shot, darkly lit madmen in weird facemasks who slowly chop a pair of human bodies apart. Then revel and the icky entrails, carving bone and smearing blood all over the place. We never get any explanation as to why this happening, who it's happening to, and for what cause. There's a passing mention that the people performing the atrocities have been blackmailed into doing so, otherwise their kidnapped children will suffer similar consequences. But even that was dropped and never addressed again. And even if it were, so what? In my estimation, this can't even be construed as a movie, as it has no narrative frame, no dramatic arcs to speak of, very little dialogue, and not a single character worthy of mentioning. This is truly nothing more than sick and chintzy reel of demented $14 dollar filmmaking. And as someone who loves movies, studied them in school and dedicated my entire professional life to the medium, I'm ashamed to even see this movie exist. It's unforgiveable dreck!
I wish I had more to say, but this piece of shite has given no reason to. Even if you belonged to the .01% of irrevocably unhinged gore-hounds who only watch horror movies to see extreme bodily harm, I seriously doubt this is the kind of BOUQUET OF GUTS AND GORE you're after. This is a sad excuse and gross indictment of what actually constitutes a movie, and a severe waste of time to boot. Hell, even if the gory effects were done at a first-rate, believable level, the movie would still be vilely unbearable. Alas, as with the rest of the film, the gore FX here are wildly insufficient and amount to nothing even remotely scary or terrifying. Gross and unnecessarily repulsive, sure, but so tastelessly done that even this lifelong horror head cannot in good consciousness even award this vomit-mound anything but a 1/10. DON'T BOTHER!!!