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Ask/Scream Queen #8

09.17.2009by: The Arrow


Tiff sayz: Welcome back faithful readers! Oh how I missed both of you. I’ve thought about you and this column all week long and woo-hoo now we’re here, together once again. Now I can sit, relax, sip a glass of wine and rejoice!!!! So while I’m doing that read this shit and love it. Or don’t and then sit back take your dick in one hand and a 45 in the other and shoot yourself in the face. Now that’s entertainment!!!!!!!

Jason asks: In the cannon of cock-tease, "late-night" horror flicks, there's always a forecast of sex with a side of muff-diving. For example, your smokin' performance in "Hoodoo for Voodoo". You and your lovely friend decided to go clam diving, and God love ya for it. Now since all things worth sporting a massive, Shepis-seeking-torpedo over are graciously covered from camera view, what EXACTLY are you doing down there? I can't imagine the director saying, "Ok, in this scene - just eat pussy. Hope you're hungry...and GO!" And like a fat dude at a buffet, you hunker down and try to French kiss your co-worker's stomach via snatch hatch. It's barely a soft-core, and to be frank, Darian Caine looks like she's tongue-slapping the lips more in those silly Seduction Cinema spoofs than you are in these. ...

So what's going on down there? Are you playing Sudoku in her pubes? Tickling her panties with your nose? Whispering a secret to the cunt demon Pillow Pants? Yawning while your co-worker enthusiastically pantomimes a wall-climbing orgasm? Is it just another day at work? I mean seriously, how am I supposed to fuck my wife and pretend she's you when in the back of my head, you're out there only pretending to have hot sex with chicks?

Tiff Sayz: Dear Douche-bag oh I mean Jason. You’re an idiot. YES I “pretend” to f*ck chicks in my movies but I also have been known to PRETEND to f*ck guys in them too. It’s called “acting” it’s a form of pretending, some people call it make-believe. Not too dissimilar to the pretending/make-believe that your wife un-doubtably performs when she feigns enjoying sex with you.

Thank God for my ability to stay in character! So let her know she is not alone in the world when she wants to puke while being f*cked by your small inadequate stick you call a penis. All she has to do is lie back moan a bit, shift around, shake and PRETEND that the scent of your fat ass isn’t making her want to projectile vomit all over your disgusting un-funny face. "Whispering a secret to the cunt demon pillow pants?” Yea I’m whispering a secret, the secret is DIVORCE JASON HE'S A FUCKING RETARD! Now go beat off to Darian Caine movies and “pretend” she’s me.

Kris asks: First of all, Nightmare Man was my favorite film out of all three Horrorfests... so glad I got to see it on the big screen! Anyways, everybody knows and is excited about you starring alongside Linnea Quigley in the upcoming Night of the Demons remake... so is there a chance of you teaming up with any other scream queens from days past in the near future? I'm thinking specifically Barbara Crampton here, to complete an '80s set (along with Quigley)... but could we maybe also hope for the likes of a Jamie Lee Curtis? I mean after all, everyone loves a good horror tag-team match whether it's Freddy vs. Jason, Godzilla vs. Mothra, etc. ...

Tiff Sayz: Thanks Kris! Yea “Nightmare Man” was a fun movie to make, thanks for watching. I am very excited about the upcoming “Night of the Demons” as well…even if it is just a cameo along side the great Linnea. As for teaming up with other scream queens…I would love to. When “Devils Pies” was “in production” (still haven’t made that thing) I was going to have an entire bar scene with Linnea, Jewel Shepard, Brink Stevens, Debbie Rochon, Monique Parent etc…well that was the plan anyway.

Movie hasn’t happened yet but you bet your ass when it does I’m gonna chuck that bitch full of scream queens old AND new, f*ck I’ll ever throw some dead ones in there!!!;) As for a tag team, that’s a pretty dope idea like Me and Brinke vs. the world. Or me and D-Ro vs. the midgets. Or me and Jewel Sheppard vs. the stalkers. Or maybe me and 17 clones of me vs. the aliens!!! LOVE IT! Thanks for the dope idea, buy that shit when it comes out, you’ll get a special thanks!

Sam asks: Hi tiffany Jesus, you're hot. in Nightmare Man and The Hazing you made my pants way too tight. but I digress...so, I am sort of friends with Jewel Shepherd, not in a real life sort of way though we met once and I am friends with her online and we IM sometimes. I was wondering, if I could arrange it, would you be down for a threesome? I am sort of hot. Just ask her. I'd spring for beer and party favors.

Tiff Sayz: YES YES YES SAM! I will totally have a threesome with you and Jewel. I can’t wait!!! Yes please bring the party favors, condoms and beer. I like Corona or Stella actually f*ck-it- to have a chance to be with you I’ll even drink Bud. As for the party favors I like noise makers... actually we will be in such ecstasy that I don’t think we’ll need noise makers, there will be plenty of noise coming from that hotel room! Ok so bring the Bud, yourself and the condoms cause you know we have to be safe…oh wait forget that too-just bare-back that shit!! I’m sure you’re disease free.

Gosh- why on earth would I want to put a piece of rubber between my kitty cat and your hard smooth man meat? Ok so just bring the Bud and your “hot” self. I’ll bring Jewel. Where are you coming from cause I can’t let you buy your own plane ticket…I mean this is a once in a life time opportunity. I get to f*ck both you AND Jewel????? Holy cow there is no price tag large enough to keep me away from that orgy. Shit I just thought of something, do you think me and Jewel can pleasure a beast of a man such as yourself? I mean maybe I can bring my hot 21 year old sister too…after all I don’t want you to be un-satisfied. I’m soooooooooooooooooooooo excited, I’m actually wet just typing this. WOO-HOO!

Ok so here’s the deal. Send me your pay-pal account info and I’ll send you some cash for the plane ticket, hell I’ll even pay YOU for this f*ck-fest! So meet me and Jewel and my hot 21 year old sister at 4pm on Sept 31st (YES THIS YEAR). We will be at the Holiday Inn in Boise Idaho in room 1696. 4pm. I hope you don’t mind if we get started without you I want the girls primed and ready for action when you arrive. See you soon Sammy, God I can’t wait. *Kisses* Here is the address 3300 Vista Ave.Boise, ID 83705, (208) 343-4900

Wow what a group of questions. What have we learned you ask. Well we learned lots. We learned that Jason really thinks that his wife likes fucking him…bah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, we learned that I’m hoping to team up with scream queens to fight of alien midget stalkers and that I’m totally going to meet AND fuck some “hot” dude named Sam on Sept 31st. LUCKY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! Til next time….Peace out bitches- The Shep



Source: AITH



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