The Boobs Are Back!
The growth of me into a young man just happened to coincide with the evolution of the slasher genre. While other kids were paying attention in sex-ed class, I knew there was nothing to worry about. I’d just go home that night and rewind P.J. Soles’ tits in HALLOWEEN over and over and I’d still be ahead of my clueless peers. While Princess Leia’s bikini may be credited with the sexual awakening of many a film geek, I had seen enough bush and bloody breasts by then to know she was just being a tease. I learned oral sex isn’t always as good as everybody says (LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT), sometimes women don’t even need a real-life man to have sex (PIN), and to always use protection while having intercourse in a cabin - such as a gun (FRIDAY THE 13th). SLEEPAWAY CAMP set me back a few years but I recovered with a steady stream of the bathing scenes from MANIAC and PROM NIGHT 2. Bathing scenes rock.
Then something happened in the 90s. Whether it be because of it’s mainstream popularity or an uprising of women who wouldn’t stand to see another naked girl getting stabbed to death in the middle of an orgasm, the T&A seemed to be replaced with fully clothed women who would rather use their intellect to solve crimes than go skinny-dipping in front of the man with the axe. And they all seemed to be cast members of ’Party of Five’. Who’s to blame for this? Was it the first sign of the metrosexual male. A man that worries more about his hair than paying to see all the lesbians at the slumber party get in line and fall on a chainsaw? Fuck that guy.
Which brings us to today. Everything from my youth is new again. The bad guys are bigger and stronger, the kills are bloodier and harder to watch, and the boobs are back. I’d love to see a pitch for one of these recent remakes - “It’s FRIDAY THE 13th with a significantly more evil Jason and giant tits.” Sold. MY BLOODY VALENTINE relied on the full frontal nudity of Betsy Rue to deliver it’s greatest scene and, in case you missed it, the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET remake held a casting call for women with beautiful large breasts to be extras in a pool-party scene. Somebody has the right idea here. Bitch and moan all you want about these reboots but they seem to be making it harder and harder to stay away from the theater. 3D boobies? Honey we’re going to the movies tonight.
Maybe it’s the booze talking but my expectations for a quality night of horror filled fun have never really changed. Death, creepy scares, lots of blood, and gratuitous nudity. Basically, all I ask is that my wife hate the film, make that happen and you’ve probably won me over.