Where the Hell is Trick ’r Treat?
Seriously, who’s cock do I have to punch to finally get to see this fucking movie? I’ll do it, a blind cock-punching rampage that’ll start in the lobby of Warner Brothers head office straight up to the helicopter pad on the roof. Not even Bugs would be safe. Could somebody at least try to explain why they won’t give us a movie who’s trailer debuted in July of 2007 on the 300 DVD? Is it because it’s not a remake? It’s not a sequel? There’s no creepy Japanese kids, zombies, or torture (note: I actually don‘t know if any of these things are in the film as I HAVEN’T FUCKING SEEN IT)? Director, Michael Dougherty, and his movie have it’s own built-in release date as much as holiday movies do in November or romantic comedies in February. Still, two Halloweens have past and the only thing I had to look forward to was another SAW movie.
None of this would bother me as much if the movie itself wasn’t getting jizzed on by everybody that’s been lucky enough to see it. Other than winning the Audience Award at Screamfest this past October (with a very happy Dougherty on hand), every single review I’ve read online (including our resident pimp, Arrow, right here) is overflowing with drool lathered praise. A current 9.3 rating over at IMDB, 100% fresh at Rotten Tomatoes, ecstatic response from the film’s original screening during Ain’t it Cool News’ Butt-Numb-a-Thon in December of ‘07, and again at Fangoria’s showing of the film last October. All of these facts are doing nothing to help me comprehend why this movie has been shelved for over two years.
Now that we’re through with the obvious rants, let’s take at a look at some minor shit. The cast for this thing is pretty solid and, for some, the timing this past Halloween seemed perfect. Anna Paquin is starring in a fairly popular show on HBO about vampires called ‘True Blood‘. Tahmoh Penikett could have filled a void for thousands of hardcore fans of, arguably, the greatest sci-fi show ever (Battlestar Galactica) as they await the final episodes this January. Brian Cox was getting tons of early Oscar buzz this year for his work in RED, a sweet little revenge flick that allowed him to kick some punk-kid ass. Moneca Delain was pretty damn hot in LOST BOYS 2: THE TRIBE. Sure, none of this is enough to rush a release date but tie it all together with the fact that it’s fucking Halloween and your movie is called TRICK ‘R TREAT, you might gather enough people to fill a theatre or two. And what about poor Leslie Bibb, she’s going through this twice-over now with how Lionsgate handled MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN.
Maybe it’s the booze talking (and this is confirmed by the fact that I just threatened to punch Bugs Bunny in the cock) but a 2009 straight-to-DVD release of this film doesn’t seem to be doing it any justice. I guess it’s better than nothing (I would take a limited edition laser disc at this point) but I tend to like my scary movies bigger than life, where my wife has nowhere to run except my lap, and it gets me out of the house on Halloween because, ironically, I hate giving out candy.