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C'mon Sly! Get me the Cobra...AGAIN!

05.27.2011by: The Arrow

"This is where the law stops and I start - sucker!"

Nobody was happier than me to see SYLVESTER STALLONE come out of his early 2K slumps to  hit back hard and keep moving forward by way of reviving his two most beloved creations ROCKY and RAMBO. The success of both of course led to the ultimate badass-ness that was THE EXPENDABLES and I am now a better man for it. So I was at my brother's pad not long ago, hanging back, channel surfing, when I caught the finale of THE EXPENDABLES on TV. I of course got hooked right away and dug in as I witnessed Sly looking tops and executing action-man feats just like he did in his prime. That resulted in one thought ringing in my hollow noggin: "He still has it. There's still time. Our pussyfied world is BEGGING for it." Yup, to quote the film in question “Get me the Cobra!” AGAIN!

I of course speak of SYLVESTER STALLONE's character of Marion Cobretti from the 1986 action cum slasher flick COBRA (READ MY REVIEW HERE). It's one of my top action movies of all time, one that I keep going back to over and over again and I personally need more COBRA lovin! But is that feasible? Well, after its initial release, the perception was that COBRA didn't do as well as it should have che-ching wise. Lets put a gun to that. It grossed about $12,653,032 on its opening weekend, which was at the time, the largest opening weekend in the history of Warner Brothers. It then wound up making 49 million or so domestically and around $160 Million worldwide. Don't know about you crazy cats, but for a flick that cost $25 million to make, it did pretty good to me!

The mainstream reviews weren't too favorable though. No big surprise. Here are some examples:

Leonard Maltin said: "Typical low-grade action fare, where all the other cops are stubborn dummies and all the bad guys are repellent creeps".

TV Guide on its end had this to spit:
"Stallone's character is an empty hulk; the few attempts to provide us with little insights into his character are downright laughable."

While the LA TIMES got all high and mighty about it:
Mr. Stallone no longer, even nominally, represents an ideology that is recognizably American. In one scene Cobra pours gasoline over his enemy. ''You have the right to remain silent,'' he sneers contemptuously, right before he throws the lighted match that sets his foe on fire. - New York Times

I love it when mainstream critics over-think an action laced body-count driven movie. It's actually one of the reasons why I started this website and that to this day I loathe being called a “critic” ... I prefer “reviewer” or “twat with an opinion” but I digress. Although critically panned; COBRA made waves on the big screen and rocked even harder on TV, VHS and then on DVD. The cherry on top? In time it also nabbed itself some long overdue motherf*cking respect.

Which brings me to the main raison d'etre of this drivel; a COBRA SEQUEL. In 1986, Stallone had this to say about his Cobretti creation:

Sly Stallone: "We seem to be glorifying mass murderers these days. Manson is on Geraldo Riviera, and I get chastised by the press for not explaining the motives of the killer in my movie. Well, there are no motives. They just kill. And the only way to eradicate them is to find a cop who is a radical eradicator.”

Stallone conveyed that same sentiment in the actual film via one line of dialogue Cobretti had: "As long as we play by these bullshit rules and the killer doesn't, we're gonna lose!" And in my opinion we're still in the same boat in 2011 (things change but stay the same don't they...). I still need the Cobra! Still crave to witness him bring true justice via a myriad of bullets and fist sandwiches. It's cathartic to me! It makes me happy. All that matters. So how would a COBRA sequel go down in my perfect world? Here its goes!

WARNING: YOU HAVEN'T SEEN COBRA? DON'T READ! SPOILERS!

STORY

Much like with RAMBO and ROCKY BALBOA; they need to take Sly's age into account. So I'd have Marion Cobretti be in retirement and loathing every second of it. He of course still eats left over frozen pizza with a pair of scissors, still takes in the horror that is out there by watching the News and he resents it all big time! For a man of his ilk, he's not felling fulfilled unless he's out there taking out the human trash, making a difference and punching out pen-pushing bureaucrats. So he'd be a miserable and jaded f*ck, leading a lonely (yeah he dumped Ingrid's ass since the first film... she was too much of a ball breaking nag) and boring existence. That's until the city is stricken by a new criminal ailment, one that 5.0. can't handle; so they pull the Cobra back in, the expert, the guy that will do the dirty job others won't and let him aka  "the cure" loose.

ACTION

The original COBRA was pure, unfiltered testosterone fueled action in a Whiskey bottle and I would expect the same f*ck you mama/go for the throat approach for this sequel. Enthralling gun fights, crazy car chases, brutal hand to hand fights, a ridiculously high body-count... lets make it happen once more! Sly proved to us with ROCKY BALBOA, RAMBO and THE EXPENDABLES that he can still go at it real rough with the physical stuff, hence I have zero concerns that he wouldn't wing the tough guy magic once again as Cobretti.

ATTITUDE

Marion Cobretti although armed with a dry sense of humor; has to be one Stallone's barbarous characters. I mean that dude don't give a flying shit; you're a bad guy, you're foo-barred. In the sequel, Cobretti would be older, hence crankier and I would run with that. Old Cobretti should make young Cobretti look like a boy-scout in terms of dispatching baddies. He got no time for shenanigans. NO TIME! Cobra is also one of Sly's coolest looking characters: the threads, the glasses, the leather gloves, the match in his mouth... not sure if I'd update the get-up or keep it as-is yet (probably the latter, he'd stll look like a fugitive from the 50s), but either way, Cobra has to look sharp to go along with his attitude problem... hey... it's just a little one.

THE CAR

Cobra's black 1950 Ford Mercury has to get another go at it if there is a to be a sequel. The fact that Stallone is getting the car back in real life after it was stolen out of his garage 17 years ago makes that even easier to achieve. Hard to go wrong with a ride that looks this sleek, sports seat belts that look like they were designed for a jet plane, has a kicking nitrous oxide turbo boost system going on and that pimps a license plate that states AWSOM 50 on it. And yes I'd want a car stunt that would top the 180 spin back, mow pursuers behind him, 180 spin forward car stunt that was performed in the original. That shit owned me!

EXCESSIVE VIOLENCE

COBRA has been deemed one of Sly's most violent pictures. Shit with a body count of 52; I sure hope so! Some of my favorite kills in the film would be the 15 mooks Cobretti shaves down with submachine gun from the back of a Pick-Up truck (that scene is amazing), that dude burned alive ("You have the right to remain silent") and of course the main baddie getting hooked, if ya know what I mean. So I wouldn't pussy out with a follow up, no PG-13 in this zone,  I'd double down on the brutality and the corpse count. Lets shoot for 104 RIP baddies and make all them pussies at the MPAA squirm in their seats.

ONE LINERS

The original COBRA sprayed an array of priceless macho one-liners my way, I mean pure cinematic gold like: This is where the law stops and I start - sucker! - You're the disease, and I'm the cure. - Hey dirt-bag, you're a lousy shot. I don't like lousy shots. You wasted a kid... for nothing. Now I think it's time to waste you! (that's some deep shit right there)and I don't deal with psychos. I put them away. I'd want the same delicious macho-bullshit type of verbal spiel in the sequel.

WEAPONS

COBRA paid a lot of attention to its artillery which is one of the reasons its a gun nut's wet dream come through. Director George P. Cosmatos (RIP my brother) was all about fondling close ups of firearms, knives, clips, nades etc. And I'd keep to that jive for the follow up. And needless to say two of Cobra's weapons of choice need to make a comeback here. 1- The Colt Gold Cup National Match 1911 with the Cobra image on it. 2- And the Jati-Matic submachine gun (600 round a minute bitches, it gets the job done), which to this day is one of the coolest looking guns ever to grace the silver screen.

HORROR VIBE

The original Cobra had a morose and slasher-ish quality to it. The flick dripped with dread during the night sequences, its main villain was ugly and frightening (with a killer ass knife to boot) while a handful of visceral and tension laced stalk sequences were tossed in there for good measure. I dug that action/horror type of mix, gave the whole futher edge, and I'd want that sweet joo-joo back for the sequel.

THE BONUS!

From a totally selfish fanboy point of view, I'd want another COBRA flick cause I'd go buck nuts in acquiring the merchandise. You see that dope COBRA figurine above; I can't find it anymore. You see that pic of the COBRA video game below? Well its a freaking old game (released in 1986) and it  SUCKKKKKS BALLLLLLLS! Can you imagine what kind of COBRA video game we would get with today's technology? Shit I just popped a raging cobra just thinking about it. So yeah COBRA II also equals COBRA memorabilia, COBRA games, COBRA figurines and hopefully a COBRA DVD/BLU-RAY re-release with a Sly commentary and more extras than what we got so far. I have a dream...

CONCLUSION

So there ya have it. Sly Stallone is presently tackling the last round of his career and for this fan it would be a shame if he'd bow out without having re-visited one of his toughest, coolest and most fierce character: Marion Cobretti. The action genre and our wimpish politically correct era NEEDS a COBRA comeback! So one last time: Hey Sly! Get me the Cobra...AGAIN!


THE COBRA THEATRICAL TRAILER

GET THE COBRA DVD HERE
PRE-ORDER THE COBRA BLU-RAY HERE

Extra Tidbit: COBRA was nominated for 6 Razzies at the time; it didn't win. I'd like to nominate the Razzies as the most useless Awards in the biz.

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