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Face-Off: Cabin Fever Vs. Wrong Turn

04.16.2012by: Mike Catalano

Robocop AKA "Murphy did well against the T-800 as our last Face-Off Winner. And today, in honor of a certain scary Cabin-themed flick that was just (finally) released this past weekend (THE CABIN IN THE WOODS!), we have a battle between two modern classics of horror both set in the woods... and featuring a certain smallish structure built of long boards of wood! Grab a banjo and play a Face-Off tune to CABIN FEVER Vs. WRONG TURN!

Kills
Well, it doesn't get much grosser than being killed from the inside out. The sight of blood oozing and spewing out of all orifices is a surefire segue into shock value. Plus, you get the added splatter bonus of the victims going crazy, causing them to inflict bodily harm on each other. I still can't get the sight and sound of Rider Strong taking a shovel to poor Jordan Ladd's nearly eaten away face out of my head.
We get some pretty gruesome carnage in this TURN courtesy of those sick, cannibal mountain men. They have no trouble slicing and dicing their way through their future human feasts. The best definitely being a big ol' axe chop through the jaw of Emmanuelle Chriqui, causing everything from her chin down to drop to the ground.
Hotties
Two of the most heavenly horror hotties to ever grace the crimson screen! Cerina Vincent and Jordan Ladd! I will say that writer/director, Eli Roth, has a knack for delivering the sexy lady goods. The bodacious Vincent and Ladd simply ooze sensuality, especially whilst displaying multiple levels of skin. Ms. Jordan is a vision while laying on the dock in her black bikini and Cerina is a wet dream in her birthday suit while taking a bath and getting it on! Awesome!
Two sumptuous brunettes, one of which a genre goddess! Eliza Dushku and Emmanuelle Chriqui! These two ladies are so strikingly hot on every level, it's tough to concentrate on the movie when they're onscreen together. Plus, they both wear tight, white tank-tops that display a wondrously bountiful bouncing whenever the two are running! I just wished that director, Rob Schmidt could have forced them to show more skin. Nudity is the one thing WRONG TURN is missing! However, because the flick showcased the scrumptiously unbeatable horror babe known as Ms. Dushku, this category must end in a tie.
Male Lead
Skinny Rider Strong plays a very relatable character in "Paul", the average guy who longs to be with Jordan Ladd's "Karen". He's this normal guy who gets stuck dealing with this disgustingly abnormal situation. Even though some times he sort of comes off as a little bitch, he does throw all caution to the wind and bones a most likely infected Cerina Vincent. What a way to go! He also possibly survives the terrible flesh-eating virus that made minced meat of all his friends.
Desmond Harrington is a clear example of a horror movie male lead/hero done right. His "Chris" is smart, humble, strong, and even a gentleman. Dude's even a doctor or is studying to be one, so he's got medical training in case someone gets severely f*cked up. Bonus point for not getting killed and scoring a possible relationship with Eliza Dushku's "Jessie".
Humor
The awesome thing about CABIN FEVER is there's a really killer streak of comedy that flows through the entire flick, which really helps counterbalance all the horribly macabre happenings going on. Much of the hilarity is brought courtesy of Giuseppe Andrews' hilariously hapless "Deputy Winston". And who the hell can forget the random craziness of a certain little boy named "Dennis". "Pancakes!"
Besides some surprisingly well-written banter at the beginning, there aren't a whole lot of laughs on this TURN. This is too bad because I feel the flick would have greatly benefited from a couple extra injections of humor. These mountain men baddies are so ridiculously over-the-top, it somewhat hurts the proceedings when things are taken a little bit too seriously. I feel that the sequel greatly improved on this aspect, which made for a better all-around movie.
Cabin
The cabin in FEVER is actually a pretty sweet structure. It's made to be rented out for vacations, so you know it's gotta be packin' some major coziness. There's even a lake close by to swim in and don't get me started on the beautiful scenery. If I wanted to shack up here for a weekend, it would be a pretty nice time... but I'd probably have to barricade myself inside to keep any of those pesky, weird yokels from barging in. Plus, I also would have to be careful not to drink any of the water or bone any possibly-infected hot chicks. Hold on, I'm married! Forget that last one.
The WRONG cabin truly would be a wrong choice for a weekend getaway... unless, of course, you're hankering for a hearty, home-cooked helping of human. These mountain men don't seem to bother with much upkeep in regards to their wooden domicile. There's random shit from all the people they've killed all over the place. There's blood stains on the floor. And the whole place just smells like, well, death. I mean, at least there's a shitter, but you'd probably be better off taking a dump in the woods.
Cabin Fever
It would appear that CABIN has the high FEVER with WRONG taking a TURN for the worse! Eli Roth's first flick comes out on top in the battle of wooden houses in the woods! Do you agree with the outcome? Or did ol' Three-Finger's flick deserve more? Please, say your piece below in our "spitting bullets" section. And if you have any killer ideas for future Face-Offs, don't hesitate to email me at mikecatalano@joblo.com.

Tags: Face-Off

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