Face-Off: John Spartan (Demolition Man) VS. Douglas Quaid (Total Recall)

Last Updated on August 3, 2021

Although it did cause a bit of chaos amidst our AITH readers, it seems that the worthy winner did emerge victoriously in our last Face-Off. For those that thought the Face-Off was slightly unfair, all I have to say is, they were both Batman movies and the bad guy was the Joker. It was perfectly fine for a comparison.

Today, we have a brand new Face-Off to expend your way pitting two Hall of Fame Action Auteurs up against each other… in the future! We’ll, actually the past nowadays, but there was a time when Sly and Arnold played characters who kicked some ass in futuristic settings. The only question is who will come out right now with a victory for the ages!

Strength

Let’s just say that you don’t get the nickname “Demolition Man” for being a soft hitter. Whatever Sly gets physical with here, he destroys (much like Drago). Even though in Demolition Man’s future, peaceful resolve rules over brute force, John Spartan has no problem introducing everyone to a violent blast from the past as he uses all his previously frozen muscle to bring down the ultra-psychotic Simon Phoenix. Basically, if you can take down a pumped-up, crazy Wesley Snipes, then you know that strength is definitely on your side.

Even though his brain may not quite remember, Arnold’s biceps certainly recall what it takes to truly kick ass. Throughout the whole movie, Quaid is essentially one man going up against an army. F*cking everyone is trying to kill him (that includes his wife). He has to punch, kick, and chop his way through a seemingly never-ending cavalcade of killers. He has to lift heavy drills. He has to pull himself forward on a wire as the force of Mars’ gravity is sucking him back. That is true strength!

Best Kill

Surprisingly, this Demolition Man is no Rambo in terms of body count, which is why we had to narrow this category down to best kill in order to be fair. But, in terms of a great kill, it doesn’t get much better than the cool manner with which Spartan disposes of his arch rival, Simon Phoenix. Seemingly unarmed and about to meet his demise, Spartan takes hold of the freezing droplet case that was used to cryogenically freeze him at the beginning, and breaks it on the ground at Phoenix’s feet. The bad guy becomes a human popsicle instantly. Then, ol’ Sly swings his boot down into Phoenix’s iced head, cracking it clear off.

Oh, man! Arnie sure racks up a lot of great kills in this flick! If I had to pick a fave, I’d go with Quaid’s classic send off of Michael Ironside’s evil asshole, Richter. The execution is truly epic as they are first confined to fight inside a rising elevator without walls. After absorbing some powerful punches, Quaid is able to overpower Richter and launch him off the elevator’s platform… but the asshole ain’t gone yet. As Richter attempts to drag our hero down with him, Quaid notices the overhang the elevator is quickly approaching. What happens next has gone down in history as the ultimate, shocking disposal of a bad guy. Arnold even gets a pair of trophies as his now armless foe plummets to his death.

One-Liners

“Send a maniac to catch a maniac.”

“Is it cold in here, or is it just me?”

“Bad aim, Blondie.”

“You’re gonna regret this the rest of your life… both seconds of it.”

“Hey Luke Skywalker, use the force.”

“What the hell happened? All of a sudden, this car turned into a cannoli.”

“Come on, baby, you know you’re the girl of my dreams.”

“Sue me, dickhead,”

“Screw you!”

“Give doze people air!”

“Consider it a divorce.”

“It’s the best mindfuck yet.”

“If I am not me, den who da hell am I?”

“Relax. You’ll live longer.”

“You think this is the real Quaid? It is!”

“See you at the party, Richter!”

The Ladies

Even though he’s a “brutish fossil, symbolic of a decayed era”, John Spartan still manages enough machismo to win over Sandra Bullock’s police officer, Huxley. Hell, she’s even ready to have sex with him after only a couple of days together. Of course, sex in the future is a lot different from how it was in the past. Thankfully, Mr. Spartan displays enough action ability throughout the flick and is able to convince her to do it the old-fashioned way by the end.

It’s the daily double for Douglas Quaid! Not only does he get Sharon Stone as his fake(?) wife who will bone him if he wakes up in the middle of the night from a bad dream, but he’s also got a sleazy, athletic, butt-kicking brunette in Rachel Ticotin. Not to mention that 3-breasted woman that can’t help but flash her “triple threat” to him as soon as she sees him (granted, she IS a ho). He wins by sheer volume.

Hero

Essentially, without any futuristic weaponry, outlandish fighting skills, or “implanted abilities” (other than knitting), Spartan is able to adapt to a completely new and confusing world in a brief amount of time. In fact, he sort of makes this new world adapt to him and his old-school methods, thus enabling him to not only take down the nearly invincible Simon Phoenix, but also reunite two separated social classes in harmony. Talk about saving the world.

Okay, Quaid definitely does a damn fine job taking care of business and saving the good people of Mars. He did have some very helpful supporting muscle from Melina, though. Plus, we still don’t really know if it was “all just a dream” and to win this category, I need to be 100% sure that your hero performance was actually real.

Douglas Quaid (Total Recall)

Well, I’ll be a Kuato’s uncle! I had no idea Sly would be so expendable in this battle with Arnold. I was expecting a much more even match. But I just can’t argue with each separate result. How about you? Can you argue. If so, you know we want to hear it. He’ll, we even want to hear if you agree! So blast them bullets below! And feel free to send any future Face-Off ideas to me at [email protected].