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Face-Off: John Spartan (Demolition Man) VS. Douglas Quaid (Total Recall)

Aug. 6, 2012by: Mike Catalano
Although it did cause a bit of chaos amidst our AITH readers, it seems that the worthy winner did emerge victoriously in our last Face-Off. For those that thought the Face-Off was slightly unfair, all I have to say is, they were both Batman movies and the bad guy was the Joker. It was perfectly fine for a comparison.

Today, we have a brand new Face-Off to expend your way pitting two Hall of Fame Action Auteurs up against each other... in the future! We'll, actually the past nowadays, but there was a time when Sly and Arnold played characters who kicked some ass in futuristic settings. The only question is who will come out right now with a victory for the ages!

Strength
Let's just say that you don't get the nickname "Demolition Man" for being a soft hitter. Whatever Sly gets physical with here, he destroys (much like Drago). Even though in Demolition Man's future, peaceful resolve rules over brute force, John Spartan has no problem introducing everyone to a violent blast from the past as he uses all his previously frozen muscle to bring down the ultra-psychotic Simon Phoenix. Basically, if you can take down a pumped-up, crazy Wesley Snipes, then you know that strength is definitely on your side.
Even though his brain may not quite remember, Arnold's biceps certainly recall what it takes to truly kick ass. Throughout the whole movie, Quaid is essentially one man going up against an army. F*cking everyone is trying to kill him (that includes his wife). He has to punch, kick, and chop his way through a seemingly never-ending cavalcade of killers. He has to lift heavy drills. He has to pull himself forward on a wire as the force of Mars' gravity is sucking him back. That is true strength!
Best Kill
Surprisingly, this Demolition Man is no Rambo in terms of body count, which is why we had to narrow this category down to best kill in order to be fair. But, in terms of a great kill, it doesn't get much better than the cool manner with which Spartan disposes of his arch rival, Simon Phoenix. Seemingly unarmed and about to meet his demise, Spartan takes hold of the freezing droplet case that was used to cryogenically freeze him at the beginning, and breaks it on the ground at Phoenix's feet. The bad guy becomes a human popsicle instantly. Then, ol' Sly swings his boot down into Phoenix's iced head, cracking it clear off.
Oh, man! Arnie sure racks up a lot of great kills in this flick! If I had to pick a fave, I'd go with Quaid's classic send off of Michael Ironside's evil asshole, Richter. The execution is truly epic as they are first confined to fight inside a rising elevator without walls. After absorbing some powerful punches, Quaid is able to overpower Richter and launch him off the elevator's platform... but the asshole ain't gone yet. As Richter attempts to drag our hero down with him, Quaid notices the overhang the elevator is quickly approaching. What happens next has gone down in history as the ultimate, shocking disposal of a bad guy. Arnold even gets a pair of trophies as his now armless foe plummets to his death.
One-Liners
"Send a maniac to catch a maniac."

"Is it cold in here, or is it just me?"

"Bad aim, Blondie."

"You're gonna regret this the rest of your life... both seconds of it."

"Hey Luke Skywalker, use the force."

"What the hell happened? All of a sudden, this car turned into a cannoli."

"Come on, baby, you know you're the girl of my dreams."

"Sue me, dickhead,"

"Screw you!"

"Give doze people air!"

"Consider it a divorce."

"It's the best mindfuck yet."

"If I am not me, den who da hell am I?"

"Relax. You'll live longer."

"You think this is the real Quaid? It is!"

"See you at the party, Richter!"

The Ladies
Even though he's a "brutish fossil, symbolic of a decayed era", John Spartan still manages enough machismo to win over Sandra Bullock's police officer, Huxley. Hell, she's even ready to have sex with him after only a couple of days together. Of course, sex in the future is a lot different from how it was in the past. Thankfully, Mr. Spartan displays enough action ability throughout the flick and is able to convince her to do it the old-fashioned way by the end.
It's the daily double for Douglas Quaid! Not only does he get Sharon Stone as his fake(?) wife who will bone him if he wakes up in the middle of the night from a bad dream, but he's also got a sleazy, athletic, butt-kicking brunette in Rachel Ticotin. Not to mention that 3-breasted woman that can't help but flash her "triple threat" to him as soon as she sees him (granted, she IS a ho). He wins by sheer volume.
Hero
Essentially, without any futuristic weaponry, outlandish fighting skills, or "implanted abilities" (other than knitting), Spartan is able to adapt to a completely new and confusing world in a brief amount of time. In fact, he sort of makes this new world adapt to him and his old-school methods, thus enabling him to not only take down the nearly invincible Simon Phoenix, but also reunite two separated social classes in harmony. Talk about saving the world.
Okay, Quaid definitely does a damn fine job taking care of business and saving the good people of Mars. He did have some very helpful supporting muscle from Melina, though. Plus, we still don't really know if it was "all just a dream" and to win this category, I need to be 100% sure that your hero performance was actually real.
Douglas Quaid (Total Recall)
Well, I'll be a Kuato's uncle! I had no idea Sly would be so expendable in this battle with Arnold. I was expecting a much more even match. But I just can't argue with each separate result. How about you? Can you argue. If so, you know we want to hear it. He'll, we even want to hear if you agree! So blast them bullets below! And feel free to send any future Face-Off ideas to me at mikecatalano@joblo.com.

Tags: Face-Off

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3:28AM on 08/07/2012

in terms of ladies

Apart from Sandra Bullock how about that naked chick in the shower? Luckiest wrong number EVER!
Apart from Sandra Bullock how about that naked chick in the shower? Luckiest wrong number EVER!
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8:23PM on 08/06/2012

Have you guys even seen Total Recall?

Douglas Quaid would fuck John Spartan up. Stallone only killed 3 people in the entire movie (and didn't fuck Sandra Bullock.). Arnold kills 47...What puts Stallone Over The Top? (pun intended) Is it the cool hat? Well, in that case... Jack Sparrow defeats everyone. Give me a break!
Douglas Quaid would fuck John Spartan up. Stallone only killed 3 people in the entire movie (and didn't fuck Sandra Bullock.). Arnold kills 47...What puts Stallone Over The Top? (pun intended) Is it the cool hat? Well, in that case... Jack Sparrow defeats everyone. Give me a break!
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-1
7:52PM on 08/06/2012
Sorry, Spartan for me. Not only is Quaid not the actual Hauser, being a clone, but he's the clone of a villain, as Hauser is essentially one of the hey villains in Recall. I also think that Stone being a complete b!tch negates her being his wife. Hell, she wasn't even that. She was only with him because it was her job. And Bullock > Ticotin. I also agree with a previous poster. Schwarzenegger never faces off with an equal, while Stallone faces off against Snipes, a guy who is clearly his
Sorry, Spartan for me. Not only is Quaid not the actual Hauser, being a clone, but he's the clone of a villain, as Hauser is essentially one of the hey villains in Recall. I also think that Stone being a complete b!tch negates her being his wife. Hell, she wasn't even that. She was only with him because it was her job. And Bullock > Ticotin. I also agree with a previous poster. Schwarzenegger never faces off with an equal, while Stallone faces off against Snipes, a guy who is clearly his superior, but Stallone manages to beat anyway. Change the women to Spartan's favor, and throw in a category for Showdown, and Spartan would at least be tied with Quaid.
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+0
4:46PM on 08/06/2012

Ummmm no.

John Spartan all the way. Quaid was cool and all. But Spartan would drop kick his has to...well, Mars.
John Spartan all the way. Quaid was cool and all. But Spartan would drop kick his has to...well, Mars.
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2:57PM on 08/06/2012

Spartan!

Spartan eats a rat-burger, wipes his ass with his police citations, and tries to bang Sandra Bullock about 2 hours after learning that his wife died! Oh, and yells "you're on tv!" while actually hitting Wesley Snipes with a television! Classic...
Spartan eats a rat-burger, wipes his ass with his police citations, and tries to bang Sandra Bullock about 2 hours after learning that his wife died! Oh, and yells "you're on tv!" while actually hitting Wesley Snipes with a television! Classic...
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+4
2:31PM on 08/06/2012
You forget Best Villain: Wesley Snipes! Ironside is great in Totall Recall but lacks the physicality and wit of Snipes!
You forget Best Villain: Wesley Snipes! Ironside is great in Totall Recall but lacks the physicality and wit of Snipes!
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+5
1:37PM on 08/06/2012

Douglas Quaid

I liked both of these guys, Stallone's actually pretty good in it, a bit funny, a badass and buffed as fuck. But overall Total Recall was a better movie, with better action and better one liners for the hero. I will say this though, John Spartan had a way better villain. Wesley Snipes was fantastic in that movie
I liked both of these guys, Stallone's actually pretty good in it, a bit funny, a badass and buffed as fuck. But overall Total Recall was a better movie, with better action and better one liners for the hero. I will say this though, John Spartan had a way better villain. Wesley Snipes was fantastic in that movie
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11:14AM on 08/06/2012
I'd go with John Spartan. Him saying "Send a maniac to catch a maniac" and then jump off a helicopter/carrier down to the building full of bad guys. That's badass.
I'd go with John Spartan. Him saying "Send a maniac to catch a maniac" and then jump off a helicopter/carrier down to the building full of bad guys. That's badass.
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10:16AM on 08/06/2012
Hmmm...not a fair match-up in my opinion. Each one is so vastly different from the other. I love them both equally.
Hmmm...not a fair match-up in my opinion. Each one is so vastly different from the other. I love them both equally.
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+2
9:42AM on 08/06/2012
Quaid for the win!
Quaid for the win!
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