Everyone was in the Halloween H20 spirit with of our last Face-Off
, agreeing with the outcome that it was the Michael as well as the movie better than both of Halloween: Resurrection. Somewhere, Busta Rhymes is rolling in his grave. Wait, is he dead? Well, he should've been in Resurrection at least. The only good thing about the Halloween season being over is that it'll be a while before we hear the phrase "Trick or treat, muthaf*cka" again.
We had such a good time comparing two Michaels from two different Halloweens, that we decided (through the suggestion of reader Micah Fitzgerald) to roll with a Jason Vs. Jason Face-Off for this week! To make the fight fair, we went with two actors who have both played the man behind the mask just one time and fairly recent. Hence we have Freddy Vs. Jason's Ken Kirzinger versus Friday the 13th remake's Derek Mears! Let the machetes fly!
Mr. Kirzinger's Jason is definitely a huge freakin hulk. And with all that mass comes a shitload of brawn. A fantastic display of his muscle comes near the beginning when he takes a bed, as well as the guy that's in it, and fold the f*cking thing up like a human meat mattress taco. Not to mention, he is able to handle everything Freddy throws at him. That is pretty damn impressive.
Mr. Mears's stature is equally impressive, though a tad slimmer. He certainly is able to power his machete down and through a dude's head with ease. However, after that, a lot of his deadly handiwork seems to get tougher. It takes him a while to pierce necks with sharp objects and victims last way longer than they should. There never really is a great display of the kind of muscle Jason should exude. I suppose that's why many were disappointed with this remake.
It's up at around 19 thanks in part to a rave party where Jason gets to go buckwild. Said party gets off to a gleefully sadistic start when Mr. V. runs into a couple of drunk idiots with a bottle of Everclear. One of the dumbasses laughs at him and Jason simply spins the guy's head 180-degrees with a little grab and twist action. Even more impressive is that he banks a shitload of kills and is still sharing the screen with Freddy.
It was advertised up our asses before its release: "13 kills in Friday the 13th!" And true to their word, Jason did indeed off a total of 13 peeps (kind of a letdown if you were actually counting during the movie). And he added some variety to his machete-heavy arsenal like archery and axe throwing.
No one's ever accused Jason of possessing a high intellect. But perhaps, there are some moments where he miraculously makes use of that large noggin of his. Like, for instance, when he realizes that Freddy has been playing him for a fool throughout the movie and fights back. Besides that, there aren't too many smart moves he enacts.
I think mama taught the remake Jason a tad better. At least he knows how to systematically off people that try and invade his homeland. The fact that he can so skillfully work a bow and arrow is also a sign of clear concentration. And lastly, the dude is aware of weed and clearly wants to keep others away from it. Hence, he must really know how to chill out when not off killin'.
This may seem crazy, but Jason sometimes comes off as a sensitive, caring psycho. For instance, the way he harshly disposes of the dickhead that treats Miss Gibb like crap. However, a couple scenes later he ends up shoving a sharp spear through her chest (actually he was killing this rapist raver that was on top of her). He also basically defends Monica Keena's "Lori" throughout the last third of the flick.
Well, Jason starts the flick by dangling the ample-chested America Olivo in her sleeping bag above a camp fire. You then are led to believe that he also offed Amanda Righetti, but actually took her hostage. However, not as his sex slave. He only kept her because she reminded him of his mommy. Then, he solidifies his total non-ladies'-man status by killing Julianna Guill, the hottest F13 actress ever IMO (sorry, Debbie Sue Voorhees).
Yes, I know that Jason never really dies, but each film does have that climactic fight to the death scene. And FvJ has one helluva final act. Jason and Freddy are beating the shit and blood out of each other in an all-out knockdown bout. Jason endures huge tanks, spiked poles and an explosion. He finally ends up getting stabbed by Freddy with his own machete. However, he does get the last laugh by impaling ol' Fred through the chest with his own claw glove (while it is still attached to his severed arm).
After falling for Amanda Righetti's "Jason, I'm your mama" act, Mr. V. ends up getting strangled by a bear trap chain stuck in this crazy crushing device. He also is delivered a harsh, stabbing blow by his own machete before finally being choked to death. He is brought to the lake by Amanda and her brother and dumped into his watery grave (though I have no idea why two final victims would want to give their attacker a funeral). And then, Jason jumps out of the lake for one final, bland shock.
Damn! I had to go back and check these results twice! It looks like the fallout from the disdain directed towards the F13th remake continues here. I can only pray that this doesn't send Mr. Derek Mears after me. Maybe Mr. Kirzinger will come to my aid as he did for Monica Keena? Anyways, I'm super curious as to what you, my fellow AITH-ers, feel. What is your stance on the Jason Vs. Jason dance? Spit them bullets below! Thanks again to Micah Fitzgerald for the inspiration! And feel free to send any future Face-Off ideas to me at firstname.lastname@example.org