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Face-Off: King Kong Vs. Godzilla

07.08.2013by: Mike Catalano
Well, it seems that our fellow readers developed an appetite for destruction after learning of the victor of our our last Face-Off. Apparently, my brains must have been removed by the undead. How else to explain my selecting of the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead over 28 Days Later as the superior zombie flick. I hate to say that I still stand by my decision, but I guess my rare cocky side is comin' out because I do! We can totally agree to disagree, however I urge you to check both movies out again and count the number of slow parts in 28 Days (although it is clearly still a classic).

Uh-huh, Yeeah! Now, summertime is in full effect and the gigantic monsters are looking to invade our cinemas! Yes, the awesome-looking Pacific Rim, from genius Guillermo Del Toro, opens this Friday and to get you all pumped for the heavy-duty monster vs robot smackdown, we are pitting two of the greatest cinematic movie monsters up against each other in a no holds barred rampage of a battle! Take cover and get ready for King Kong Vs. Godzilla!

Strength
Whether itís wrestling killer dinosaurs or ripping apart giant snakes, Kong truly is the king of the beasts. This massive ape just canít be contained. Heíll break chains, burst forth from buildings, and swat airplanes like flies. He can knock over cars like tin cans and basically pound the crap out of any obstacle that gets in his way.
Having fought a wide range of gigantic, incredibly strong monsters from Mothra to Mecha-King Ghidorah, Gozilla is no slouch in the strength department. With his sharp teeth, mighty arms, and powerful tail, he made minced meat of buildings, ships, and tanks with ease.
Abilities
Kong possesses all the amazing abilities that his fellow monkeys and apes display, but at a fantastically increased rate. As opposed to climbing trees with utmost ease, this big boy scales the Empire State Building like it was a playground jungle gym. He also leaps and swings with grace despite his size.
He f*cking breathes fire! Godzilla can breathe mother-f*cking fire!!! That is one kick-ass ability that just can not be duplicated. If something threatening gets in his way, he can simply shoot a searing stream of flames at it. That's a helluva hot advantage!
Vulnerability
Well, Kong does have a weakness for sexy, slinky blondes and I honestly can't blame him. If his lady ever gets in peril, he will do whatever it takes to make her safe, even if that means risking his own life. Hence, we sadly end up learning that enough aerial firepower can indeed take down his large ass from the tallest of buildings.
Well, Gozilla does like the sushi, by which I mean tons of raw fish. So, I suppose you could try and set a crazy trap for him with a bunch of tuna. If so, then I suppose a great deal of bombs may help to bring him down, but I'm talking a shitload! And if that doesn't work, you may need to drum up another huge monster to fight him. Good luck with that.
Destruction
New York City should take out an insurance policy that specifies on Kong damage. The big city just ain't a proper place for this mad monkey. He destroys virtually anything that gets in his way. Cars, buildings, roads, bye-bye! Kong treats New York as if it were his jungle playground and stomps to bits all forms of objects.
From Tokyo to New York, Godzilla has left his literal imprint on 'em. His bipedal movements allow him to cover vast stretches of land at a high rate. And his massive tail whacks and drops all that he leaves behind. Plus, if he decides to unleash the fire breath, he can take down cities double time from front and back!
Style
Letís face it, the King of the beasts is also the king of the pussy! His bravery, strength, and chivalry actually end up winning him the heart of the blonde he holds so dear. When youíre a 20-foot tall gorilla and you can snag the affection of hotties such as Naomi Watts and a young Jessica Lang, you know youíre doing something right!
This oversized lizard really just wants to keep moving forward and taking out anything that steps before his face. He is cool with defeating mean monsters that are about his height, which I suppose has helped many a foreign-language-speaking person in his time.
Godzilla
Well, I guess Puff P-whatever Diddy Daddy would be proud. The big green lizard beat out the big hairy ape. Is this gonna get your monster cartoon underoos in a bunch or are you roaring with approval? You know I'm gonna want to know either way. So please spit them bullets below. And feel free to send any future Face-Off ideas to me at mikecatalano@joblo.com.

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