We had some fun with our last Halloween-themed Face-Off
with a slight edge going to HALLOWEEN II as the better sequel over part IV. I agree with that.
This week, with the finale release of the lamest, most pathetic, absolute worst vampire movie series, Twatlight, we decided to do the collective horror community a favor and shell out two prime examples of what makes a great vampire movie! Take notice all you mislead Twi-hards because THIS is how bloodsuckers are supposed to bite! I give you... THE LOST BOYS Vs. FROM DUSK TILL DAWN!
You gotta love Edgar and Allen Frog: vampire hunters/comic book store geeks. They sure do hate them bloodsuckers! And they've got the knowledge and the tools to take out a whole bunch of 'em. Hell, they are even able to train Corey Haim's little hipster kid character in the art of vamp killing. And the best line to sum up their bad-assedness would have to be Edgar's statement to Michael (whose life they're fighting for): "Listen, just so you know, if you try to stop us, or vamp out in any way, I'll stake you without even thinking twice about it!"
The Gecko Brothers definitely exude a kick-ass, albeit psychotic, sense of cool. Make no mistake, there are bad guys, but some times it takes a motherf*cker to take out some motherf*cking vamps. What they may lack in undead creature knowledge, the make up for in drunken, surprisingly well-spoken fits of rage and violence. It's too bad that Richard isn't all there in the mental-state department and doesn't end up taking out any bloodsuckers before getting bitten. Still, Seth does a totally commendable job staking the f*ck out of the beasts that took his brother.
Okay, this pick may seem a bit random, but damn it, I've always found it to be the best representation of a killer vampire bite. Near the beginning of the flick, when David and his pack of Lost Boy vamps attack a gang of surf nazis. One of the Lost Boys, I don't even know which one (he had long hair), takes a big bite out of this bald-headed surfer, spraying a geyser of blood upwards. There's just something about seeing that bald, fleshy head spurting all over the place as this rock-star-looking vamp chows down that is so damn awesome!
Who'd have thought that the craziest, most unexpected bite in this flick would come from the curvaceously scrumptious Salma Hayek?! And after she does an amazingly sexy dance in a bikini?! That's probably why the voracious chomp that quickly takes out Quentin Tarantino's character works so very well. You just never saw it coming. And if ya gotta get bit by a vamp, at least it was muy caliente Salma! Aye carumba!
Congratulations to Jami Gertz for being the only young female in this flick. At least she is indeed a fine representation of a hot chick from the 80's. It's makes sense that Michael would fall for her. I bet many don't recall the cuteness of Ms. Gertz from way back in the day. She's got these sweet, sparkling eyes that really suck you in and... oh, just forget it, there's no way she is beating Salma Hayek!
Here we have our bodacious Mexican goddess once again, Ms. Salma Hayek! You know that Tarantino definitely wrote this bastard because of the aforementioned dance that was so conveniently bestowed upon his character. Yeah, we all know he has a foot fetish, but I bet anyone would be into drinking champagne dripping forth from Salma's cute foot. She's gotta be one of the hottest vamps ever put on film. Except for maybe Kristen Stewart in Twilight... holy shit! I'm only kidding!
There really is a nice streak of humor running through this flick from the general wackiness of the Frog Brothers to Haim's "Death by stereo" quip. If I had to pick a bit that cracked me up the most, it would have to be Haim singing "I'm a lonely boy" while washing his hair in the bath as Michael is reluctantly stalking him. It's an outstanding balance of horror and humor, and a prime example of what makes this movie so much fun.
With a witty genius like Quentin Tarantino behind the script, this flick functions magnificently as a dark comedy throughout the running time. There are so many hilarious bits, it was nearly impossible for me to select one. You can take your pick from Richard's imaginary visions of Juliette Lewis's character hitting on him to Tom Savini's character's peesh gun. My choice is the part where Tarantino's Richard is ranting loudly, forcing Clooney's Seth to swiftly knock him out with an elbow to the face.
La Cucaracha! La Cucaracha! That little diddy will forever ring in my ears and mind as the theme of Max, the head vampire, being taken out by good ol' Grandpa as he drives his stake-loaded jeep through his own home. It's triumphant, funny, and kick-ass; a fitting finale for such a fun movie. And, the whole kill is perfectly topped off with Grandpa grabbing himself a celebratory beer from the fridge.
It must be tough to kill your own brother... but if you gotta do it, you might as well take out a few bloodsuckers in the process! As Juliette Lewis watches her brother being ravaged by vamps, she is scared and unsure what to do. Then, her little bro shows her the light: "Kill me, Kate," he simply says. And Juliette quickly grants his wish. As she unloads her gun into him, he quickly explodes into a gush of gore, killing all the vampires feasting upon his flesh. It's tragic, poetic, and awesome.
THE LOST BOYS
And the BOYS have it! Sorry, Mr. Tarantino, you may have the Oscar, but THE LOST BOYS has the illustrious victory in the AITH Face-Off! I know that both these flicks are very good and deserving of triumph, so I hope everyone is willing to post their opinions below whether this decision was fangtastic
or just plain sucked
. And feel free to send any future Face-Off ideas to me at firstname.lastname@example.org
. Oh, and before I go, F*CK ALL THINGS TWILIGHT!