Well gang, summer is officially over. And as much as it sucks that we have to pack up the sunscreen and bikinis for the year, remember, the arrival of fall also marks the start of the Halloween season. But before we transition headlong into the dark-days of autumn, why not close September by celebrating one last fit of summer puerility. Instead of tying into an upcoming release, we're dedicating this week's Horror Ten Spot to the finest female figures in the horror genre. More specifically, the best and most beauteous butts. That's right y'all...we're all about honoring the most delectable derrieres to be found in the horror genre. One off appearances, repeat offenders, life-time achievers, we're leaving no booty unturned. Hope you got yourself a little alone time!
WARNING: MINOR TO MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW!
#10. BRIANA EVIGAN (SORORITY ROW/BURNING BRIGHT)
Although failing to expressly expose her supple cheeks so far, never more in my life have I wanted to be the pair of short-shorts seen in both SORORITY ROW and BURNING BRIGHT. The common denominator? The stacked and super-sexy Briana Evigan...a girl who packs more butt than a carton of smokes! Playing ring leader to a gaggle of smokin' nubile co-eds, it's no easy feat to stand out. But that she certainly does in SORORITY ROW, then takes that star quality and lands the lead in the minimally cast BURNING BRIGHT. Apparently rocking the same wardrobe, Briana parades around her tiger-infested abode in the skimpiest pair of booty-boasters. Seriously, it gets to the point where you're more sympathetic with the tiger trying to get take a bite out of the girl's kiester than you are for the girl's survival. Briana evokes the most animalistic of urges! (do yourself a favor and peep THIS glorious ass-dance Briana does in one of those STEP UP movies).
#9. NAOMI WATTS (FUNNY GAMES)
While I almost pandered to pop sensibilities and awarded Megan Fox's tight little booty in JENNIFER'S BODY a mention, when I stopped to reconsider, I decided to honor a zaftig woman over a potentially anorexic girl. I just have to ask, who's copped a peek at Naomi Watts' ass lately? Pure literature! Funny, I was just reminded of Watts spectacular yard-work when watching Woody Allen's YOU'LL MEET A TALL DARK STRANGER last night. Mouth agape, I totally remembered how taken with Watts' same body-part in Michael Hanneke's remake of his own FUNNY GAMES. Thing is, the subject matter is so flinchingly unforgiving in that movie, you can never really stop to admire the toned backside Watts put forth. Still, when forced to strip down to her cottons, Watts' springs a powerhouse can of epic proportions. The true test though, even before anything graphic is shown, Watts' bubbled ass pops in her little summer dress. I defy you to watch the movie again and disagree!
#8. RILEY STEELE (PIRANHA)
When looking to spotlight some of the shapeliest derrieres on film, a porn star ain't a bad place to look. And honestly, who could ever forget the delicious dueling-ass-dance displayed in Alexandre Aja's PIRANHA 3D? Riley Steele, the buxom blonde, not only does ass-aerobics with 2010 "it girl" Kelly Brook (more on her to come), she actually gets to spout a few lines in the film. Not that I'm saying her crossover talent exceeds the physical, but perhaps we'll be seeing more of Steele's tight little booty in the mainstream. In fact, her PIRANHA co-star Paul Scheer has already cast her in an episode of his spoof TV series NTSF: SD: SUV. Thing is, I could have easily given a top-spot to an equally deserving gluteus-maximus (Haley Bennett comes to mind), the fact that Steele's is so amply on display throughout the entire film...all the while toned, tanned and bikini clad...she's earned a winning ticket!
#7. MAGGIE GRACE (THE FOG)
So delectably taut is Maggie Grace's 22 year old bum in the 2005 remake of THE FOG, we're actually willing to forgive the semi-granny-panties she rocks throughout the flick. Besides, they hug her ass for dear life...as I'm sure any one of us naturally would. In fact, I'll go a step further and credit those very tighty-whiteys for parlaying Grace's star-quality into a stint on "Lost," TAKEN and ultimately the two-part finale of the TWILIGHT SAGA. That's right, I submit you need not an agent with an ass and pair of skivvies like that! Good Gravy! Of course, victimized by a PG-13 rating, we never get a full view of Grace's rear-end, but the tantalizing images leave enough of a lasting memory to warrant a mention. Too bad we can't say the same for the film as a whole. As timing would have it, let's all wish a one-day belated happy birthday to Ms. Grace, who turned 28 years young just yesterday (while we're on the subject, happy birthday today my sister Stacey!)
#6.CERINA VINCENT (CABIN FEVER/IT WAITS)
As an inveterate ass-admirer, I do quite rue Cerina Vincent baring her top but not bottom half in Eli Roth's CABIN FEVER. Not that I'm complaining, Roth does offer one of the most gratuitous and shamelessly derivative slow-mo tracking shots...where we follow Cerina's tight-jean-clad booty through a untended field...TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE style. But it's not just CABIN FEVER. After showing off her full range of goodies in NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE, the gorgeous Ms. Vincent has been laid bare in many a horror yarn. IT WAITS and INTERMEDIO are two others in which the stunning Italian blessedly disrobes. No news here, but this woman is utterly flawless...it's not just her ripe behind. The girl is a classic beauty, a true looker...with as much sex appeal as she has grace. Moving out of genre for a second, if you really want to see Cerina's g-stringed ass do a pole dance, check her out in JUST ADD WATER here.
#5. ODETTE YUSTMAN (THE UNBORN)
Anyone who's actually sat through the torturous PG-13 bile-storm THE UNBORN knows of only redeemable quality: Odette Yustman's butt! Hell, even marketers knew where their bread was buttered, as the poster itself shamelessly objectified the gorgeous girl...prominently displaying her perfectly contoured bottom while showing only half of her face reflected in a mirror. Seriously, the tagline might as well have read "starring Odette Yustman's splendid 24 year old dumper"...I bet the flick would have been an even bigger hit. Oh well, at least Odette struts around in skin-tight panties and matching white tank-top...and at good length! And not that much more is exposed, Odette shares a nice little bikini scene with Amber Heard in AND SOON THE DARKNESS. Playing the obnoxious slutty type, her body is flaunted for most of the runtime, and her trademark, cellulite-less ass is enough to forgive the perp who accosts her...
#4. SHERI MOON (HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES, DEVIL'S REJECTS)
Man, why didn't Rainn Wilson just peel down those pink jammies and get busy! Seriously, so proud of his lady's stinker is Rob Zombie, that he's willing to share it on film with the rest of the world to marvel at. Sheri Moon Zombie, or Ms. Rob Zombie if you'd like, has quite the distinct little backside...of course displayed in both her hubby's HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES and THE DEVIL'S REJECTS. Pert, slender, perfectly grippable...there's no wonder Zombie put a f*ckin' ring on it. And more than her natural gifts, it's the insouciant sexiness she exudes in these pictures. You get the feeling she'd shoot the whole damn film in the buff is asked...Jennifer Jason Leigh style. Definitely our brand of broad! Not sure you're aware, but the lovely Moon towers at 5'11'', making her that much more intimidating. And while we love her ass and all, we also admire the fact she and Rob Zombie got hitched on...yup you guessed...Halloween. A perfect woman!
#3. KELLY BROOK (PIRANHA )
Picking up the mantle that Megan Fox dropped and broke into a thousand pieces, is 2010 "it girl" Kelly Brook...the stunning British bird who's all but taken the sexiest gal alive honor in the world of showbiz. And her coming out party? A spring-break bikini-bash in PIRANHA 3D...in which her body - an immaculate mix of shape and tone - took over more fans than a f*cking heat-wave looting. Seriously, the unabashed scenes of Brooke dancing lasciviously with Riley Steele in and out of the water, flaunting and jutting her ass out like a true pro...the image is seared into my psyche. Props to Alexandre Aja for identifying and placing front and center the 30 year old's best and most bodacious assets. I mean, at bare minimum Brooke rocks a scant two-piece, and at maximum exposure, she's doing nude underwater ballet...in tandem. Listen, I know we're all having fun with this post, but we'd be remiss if we didn't send out our heartfelt condolences to Ms. Brook's for the domestic tragedy she endured earlier this year.
#2. SALMA HAYEK (FROM DUSK TILL DAWN)
You can't conscionably comprise a list of the best booties in the biz without recognizing at least one set of Latina hips. I'm I wrong? Hell no I'm not. Which is why we gladly offer the silver medal to the lethally luscious, super-sultry Satanico Pandemonium. Holding to the maxim "good things come in small packages," the compact sexual dynamo that is Salma Hayek...the supreme Mexican seductress...easily possesses one of the premiere set of glutes in the world, forget Hollywood. Taken on its own, Hayek's rump will do damage to most. Then when you consider how she's framed by Robert Rodriguez in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, her sensuality ascends to the heavens (or hell). That's right, her bodily gifts become otherworldly...both visually and diegetically. An ultra-sexy table dance amid a filthy Mexican biker-bar, a Burmese python caressing her body, booze running down her leg...and of course, that incomparable yardage. What an ass, what a scene!
#1. JESSICA BIEL (TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE)
Anyone really that shocked the grand-prize, A+ winning ass belongs to Jessica Biel? Any qualms or quarrels? If so speak up below, but I'm willing to bet many agree the 5'8'' goddess, especially seen at 20-21 years of age in THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACE remake...displays one of the all time most desirable derrieres to be found onscreen. And like a fine wine, her stacked backside has only grown more formidable over the years. Just think about her gluteus evolution from RULES OF ATTRACTION to TCM...from CHUCK AND LARRY to BLUE POWDER. I know I'm veering from the horror realm, but damn, there's nothing remotely terrifying about such a truly angelic ass. Intimidating sure, but scary? Not a chance. Good heavens, just cop a gander at that undeniable work of art below. Simply the best around!