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IT'S THE BOOZE TALKIN': All I want for X-Mas are original horror movies!

12.20.2011by: Ammon Gilbert

I love the holidays. Sitting in front of my Yuletide Log DVD roaring on my TV, drinking Brandy-spiked Egg Nog, and thinking of all the glorious Blu-rays I may have waiting for me wrapped under the tree. Most years Iím not a picky person and I generally donít ask for a lot, but this yearÖ well, thereís more Brandy in this drink than Nog, and Iím right on the edge of being 100% blitzed. So not only am I asking for something this year, but Iím taking it all the way to the top: Iím taking it to Santa. Because all I really want for X-Mas this year are original horror movies and only Santa (and the money-grubbing studio execs) can make such a grand request happen.

Iím not going to sit here and say that all remakes suck (cause many of them donít), or that all sequels are stupid (cause many of them arenít), or that I know a thing or two about what it takes to get a movie made these days (cause I donít know shit). But I do know that Iím getting really sick and tired of all the remake, reboot, prequel, sequel, vampire (yes, f*ckiní vampires) bullshit that comes out each and every month and all Iíd like to see sometime soon (hell, Iíll even shoot for 2013 if thatís what it takes) are a bunch of original horror flicks hitting theaters, scaring the pants off people everywhere, and converting a new generation to the genre.

Not even Santaís magical powers can stop a sequel from being made, especially if itís something like PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 4, but do we really need so many of them? This year we have another UNDERWORLD coming and another RESIDENT EVIL, and all I can really ask is why? Do we really need another entry in either of these series? Kate Beckinsale and Milla Jovovich are hot, yes, but another dark and dreary one-against-many horror flick that relies too much on their visual effects than they do anything else? No. Of course not. Because theyíre both going to be the same as all the other filmís before it, and goddamnit, who wants to see those again. Even fans of the series have to be a little jaded by now.

Then thereís the remake/reboot, a phenomena that will never go out of style, but should definitely chill the f*ck out for a while, or at least be a little pickier in its selection. THE THING? FRIGHT NIGHT? THE EVIL DEAD? AMERICAN PSYCHO? Really??? Honestly, itís not that I have an issue with remakes as much as I have an issue of remaking the classics, as if they could do a better job. They canít. They never will. Remakes should be better than the original, so why not remake the shitty horror movies that could have been awesome? How about that? When will they learn that Zack Snyderís DAWN OF THE DEAD was the exception and not the rule? What needs to happen is everyone should jump on the old Troma films like Darren Lynn Bousman did with MOTHERíS DAY, and remake those shitty movies into something awesome. Then maybe the sequel train would have more support from the community than they do right now.

Finally, vampires. At this point, f*ck vampires. Seriously, vampires are not original, will never be original, and now with the TWILIGHT SAGA craze, every vampire flick nowadays is trying to cash in on petty romances and love triangles of the those vampires and that shit needs to stop right now. Even Dario Argento, one of the great horror directors from the 70s and 80s jumped on the vampire train with his take on DRACULA, and if youíve seen the trailer (HERE) youíll see what the results of that labor was. Utter and complete garbage. Would it be just as shitty if he took on something original? Have you seen SUSPIRIA? Or PHENOMENA? Both original, both Argento, both f*cking awesome. Nuff said.

I want Santa to bring me something I havenít seen before. I want to see new takes on classic horror themes, like a new take on the haunted house movie, or a new take on the slasher movie, or a new take on the possession movie. I know there are hundredsóif not thousandsóof new and original scripts out there for horror movies and every time a movie like FRIGHT NIGHT gets green lit, those movies donít get made. More chance needs to be taken on the original scripts out there because, given their quality scripts, the original horror flick will pull the audience and make the moneyÖ but only if theyíre made and available for people to see them. And while the straight to DVD market is thriving, even those movies (the ones that never see the theater) are basically knock-offs of other movies, and most donít offer anything new or original at all.

Maybe itís the booze talkiní, but all I want for X-Mas this year are original horror movies to sink my drunken teeth into. Forget about the sequels, forget about the remakes, reboots, premakes, or whatever the hell theyíre calling them these days, forget about vampires and TWILIGH knockoffs, and give us something new, for f*ckís sake. Iím not talking about instant gratification here either, just the promise of new shit for the 2012 / 2013 season and Iíd be one satisfied customer. Come on Santa, you know you want to make good on a simple request from this drunken horror-loviní buffoon, right??? Sure ya do! And while weíre at it, Merry effiní X-Mas! Hereís to more booze-induced rants and raves in 2012!



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