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IT'S THE BOOZE TALKIN': All I want for X-Mas are original horror movies!

Dec. 20, 2011by: Ammon Gilbert

I love the holidays. Sitting in front of my Yuletide Log DVD roaring on my TV, drinking Brandy-spiked Egg Nog, and thinking of all the glorious Blu-rays I may have waiting for me wrapped under the tree. Most years Im not a picky person and I generally dont ask for a lot, but this year well, theres more Brandy in this drink than Nog, and Im right on the edge of being 100% blitzed. So not only am I asking for something this year, but Im taking it all the way to the top: Im taking it to Santa. Because all I really want for X-Mas this year are original horror movies and only Santa (and the money-grubbing studio execs) can make such a grand request happen.

Im not going to sit here and say that all remakes suck (cause many of them dont), or that all sequels are stupid (cause many of them arent), or that I know a thing or two about what it takes to get a movie made these days (cause I dont know shit). But I do know that Im getting really sick and tired of all the remake, reboot, prequel, sequel, vampire (yes, f*ckin vampires) bullshit that comes out each and every month and all Id like to see sometime soon (hell, Ill even shoot for 2013 if thats what it takes) are a bunch of original horror flicks hitting theaters, scaring the pants off people everywhere, and converting a new generation to the genre.

Not even Santas magical powers can stop a sequel from being made, especially if its something like PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 4, but do we really need so many of them? This year we have another UNDERWORLD coming and another RESIDENT EVIL, and all I can really ask is why? Do we really need another entry in either of these series? Kate Beckinsale and Milla Jovovich are hot, yes, but another dark and dreary one-against-many horror flick that relies too much on their visual effects than they do anything else? No. Of course not. Because theyre both going to be the same as all the other films before it, and goddamnit, who wants to see those again. Even fans of the series have to be a little jaded by now.

Then theres the remake/reboot, a phenomena that will never go out of style, but should definitely chill the f*ck out for a while, or at least be a little pickier in its selection. THE THING? FRIGHT NIGHT? THE EVIL DEAD? AMERICAN PSYCHO? Really??? Honestly, its not that I have an issue with remakes as much as I have an issue of remaking the classics, as if they could do a better job. They cant. They never will. Remakes should be better than the original, so why not remake the shitty horror movies that could have been awesome? How about that? When will they learn that Zack Snyders DAWN OF THE DEAD was the exception and not the rule? What needs to happen is everyone should jump on the old Troma films like Darren Lynn Bousman did with MOTHERS DAY, and remake those shitty movies into something awesome. Then maybe the sequel train would have more support from the community than they do right now.

Finally, vampires. At this point, f*ck vampires. Seriously, vampires are not original, will never be original, and now with the TWILIGHT SAGA craze, every vampire flick nowadays is trying to cash in on petty romances and love triangles of the those vampires and that shit needs to stop right now. Even Dario Argento, one of the great horror directors from the 70s and 80s jumped on the vampire train with his take on DRACULA, and if youve seen the trailer (HERE) youll see what the results of that labor was. Utter and complete garbage. Would it be just as shitty if he took on something original? Have you seen SUSPIRIA? Or PHENOMENA? Both original, both Argento, both f*cking awesome. Nuff said.

I want Santa to bring me something I havent seen before. I want to see new takes on classic horror themes, like a new take on the haunted house movie, or a new take on the slasher movie, or a new take on the possession movie. I know there are hundredsif not thousandsof new and original scripts out there for horror movies and every time a movie like FRIGHT NIGHT gets green lit, those movies dont get made. More chance needs to be taken on the original scripts out there because, given their quality scripts, the original horror flick will pull the audience and make the money but only if theyre made and available for people to see them. And while the straight to DVD market is thriving, even those movies (the ones that never see the theater) are basically knock-offs of other movies, and most dont offer anything new or original at all.

Maybe its the booze talkin, but all I want for X-Mas this year are original horror movies to sink my drunken teeth into. Forget about the sequels, forget about the remakes, reboots, premakes, or whatever the hell theyre calling them these days, forget about vampires and TWILIGH knockoffs, and give us something new, for f*cks sake. Im not talking about instant gratification here either, just the promise of new shit for the 2012 / 2013 season and Id be one satisfied customer. Come on Santa, you know you want to make good on a simple request from this drunken horror-lovin buffoon, right??? Sure ya do! And while were at it, Merry effin X-Mas! Heres to more booze-induced rants and raves in 2012!

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3:28PM on 12/20/2011
darkrage6 couldn't have said it better!its sad to say but original horror isn't really making much bank right now. That said remakes haven't been doing well lately either....I think what is also being forgotten is that if a remake of a horror is successful it opens up the door for original horror projects to me made. Yes there is definately a trend of remakes, and trends are what Hollywood jumps on and beats it till its dead and beyond, yet they do also look at greenlighting everything else
darkrage6 couldn't have said it better!its sad to say but original horror isn't really making much bank right now. That said remakes haven't been doing well lately either....I think what is also being forgotten is that if a remake of a horror is successful it opens up the door for original horror projects to me made. Yes there is definately a trend of remakes, and trends are what Hollywood jumps on and beats it till its dead and beyond, yet they do also look at greenlighting everything else related. So if that success is a horror remake, then horror is hot. Remakes are more of an easier way to quickly get a ready made story out there they think/know already works compared to how hard they have to work to break an original story and find a way to translate that successfully on screen. For me as long as there's horror and the projects are decent - which I have to say I thought most of which Ive seen are fairly entertaining at least- then I'm happy.
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8:42AM on 12/21/2011
Totally man, a greenlit horror flick is the step in the right direction--but I feel like all we see these days are remakes and sequels! It's a big request, and unfortunately, not very realistic. But a guy can dream!
Totally man, a greenlit horror flick is the step in the right direction--but I feel like all we see these days are remakes and sequels! It's a big request, and unfortunately, not very realistic. But a guy can dream!
2:04PM on 12/20/2011
I love all the RE films so i'm very excited at the prospect of another, and the new Underworld film looks like a massive improvement over the complete and utter shitfest that was Rise Of The Lycans, sorry but Rhona Mitra is no Beckinsale! I totally agree about the PA films though, the studios are trying to turn them into the next Saw frnachise(BTW, i've heard rumblings of a Saw 8, which I REALLY hope dosen't happen, if I see another damn Saw film, it'll be too soon) I was never that big on
I love all the RE films so i'm very excited at the prospect of another, and the new Underworld film looks like a massive improvement over the complete and utter shitfest that was Rise Of The Lycans, sorry but Rhona Mitra is no Beckinsale! I totally agree about the PA films though, the studios are trying to turn them into the next Saw frnachise(BTW, i've heard rumblings of a Saw 8, which I REALLY hope dosen't happen, if I see another damn Saw film, it'll be too soon) I was never that big on Argento, so I never noticed his so-called decline, though i'm not keen on another Dracula film myself, no matter who makes it. I wouldn't mind a remake of AMerican Psycho, I honestly never got what the big deal was about the original and found it immensely overrated, not one of Bale's better performances IMO, so in that case, I honestly think they COULD do a better job. Evil Dead i'm pretty neutral on, though Campbell being involved is definitely a plus. Fright Night and The Thing were both pretty decent remakes. Also, originality is alot harder to do then it sounds, and alot of the time, whenever a studio takes a risk with a horror film(I.E. Grindhouse) it dosen't pay off very well, and horror films have always been the black sheep of the film industry, so the head honchos want to go for [link] because those stand the best chance of making money. I'm not saying I agree with it, but I understand it.
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8:39AM on 12/21/2011
Good points all around, sir! I never said it was a realistic request... but one that had to be made!
Good points all around, sir! I never said it was a realistic request... but one that had to be made!
1:38PM on 12/20/2011

A...

Fright Night was a terrific remake, belongs there with Dawn of the Dead.
Fright Night was a terrific remake, belongs there with Dawn of the Dead.
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8:43AM on 12/21/2011
It was definitely better than most!
It was definitely better than most!
1:32PM on 12/20/2011
if you want good horror watch astron-6's father's day. everybody's digging it
if you want good horror watch astron-6's father's day. everybody's digging it
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1:07PM on 12/20/2011

I was...

...on board until you called Troma movies shitty. Than you completely lost me and I stopped reading.
...on board until you called Troma movies shitty. Than you completely lost me and I stopped reading.
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8:45AM on 12/21/2011
You might not think Troma movies are shitty, but you have to admit there's plenty of room for improvement on just about every one of them.
You might not think Troma movies are shitty, but you have to admit there's plenty of room for improvement on just about every one of them.
9:34AM on 12/20/2011
Last picture kinda made me miss my train of thought, hehe. But yeah, I can't think of good original horror movies lately. There're a few horror/thriller movies that I like which are "Buried" and "Chillerama".
Last picture kinda made me miss my train of thought, hehe. But yeah, I can't think of good original horror movies lately. There're a few horror/thriller movies that I like which are "Buried" and "Chillerama".
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