This week on DVD, Anchor Bay is releasing a brand-new holiday horror flick called SILENT NIGHT, featuring Jaime King and Malcolm MacDowell. This release also coincides with the re-release of both the original SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT and SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 2. All three films, of course, are about a serial killer Santa Claus on the loose, slaughtering bitches left and right, and turning the whole holiday season into an absolute horror show. For the most part, I’m down for this type of flick, except for one tiny thing: we’ve seen it a billion times before. Which got me thinking… who do we have to kill around here to get more original holiday horror movies?
When I say “original” though, what I’m really saying is “not a serial killer Santa Claus movie” because we never seem to be short one of these f*ckin’ types of movies and honestly, this shit’s getting old. SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT being the original of these types of flicks, we’ve since seen all of its sequels, the classic episode from the first season of TALES FROM THE CRYPT, then we have crap like SANTA’S SLAY, SAINT NICK, and RARE EXPORTS. And now with SILENT NIGHT, we have yet another killer Santa. Ugh. I’m over it! There are better ideas for holiday horror out there, and lucky for you, my spiked Egg Nog has given me a crapload of ideas that could work.
How about killer elves? I’ve only heard of a little flick called SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER, so I can’t attest to this actually being done before all that well, but just imagine the possibilities there. And not just one killer elf, but a gaggle of killer elves, running around the North Pole searching for blood, they then hitch a ride with Santa to some sleepy unsuspecting town in Middle America were they wreak havoc on Christmas Eve. Could be a lot like GREMLINS, I suppose, but they’re elves, which would make it all the more awesome.
Then there’s Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Why can’t we see a movie where Rudolph, or at least one of those eight tiny reindeers, turn into rabid savage beasts that fly around and impale bitches with their sharpened antlers? I’d be down for that shite. Rudolph drinks from some crazy green glowing goo one day only to find it’s radioactive, turning him into a monstrously savage beast that only sees red and is thirsty for the blood of promiscuous adults. Or better yet, strippers. Why strippers? Why the f*ck not?
One holiday horror genre that is a real mystery as to why it’s not tapped on a regular basis is the haunted holiday horror, considering A CHRISTMAS CAROL is one of the most famous ghost stories of all time. The set up would be simple enough, and in fact most ghost story / haunted flick scripts out there could be tweaked just a little bit to fit the bill in the most epic way possible: set the time of the haunting around Christmas. Throw a tree in the living room, hang up some stockings, put lights on the outside of the house, then throw in the haunted house story, and bam… a haunted holiday horror film. Easy. Can you imagine if INSIDIOUS took place during Christmas? Would be a Yuletide classic by now.
We’ve seen the killer snowman before in JACK FROST and its sequel, but this got me thinking about other idea that would be most epic for the holidays, and one that needs to be made right now. Ok, check this out: something in the atmosphere MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE style turns all the lawn decorations as-seen in the yards in every town across the country, come to life as killing mechanical robots! Santas, deers, snowmen, reindeers, penguins, polar bears, hippos, pigs, angels, and whatever the hell else shows up as lawn décor, coming alive and going on a rampage. Like the epicly awesome killer Christmas tree flick TREEVENGE, only this time, with Christmas decorations. Hell yeah.
Maybe it’s the booze talkin’, but I’d like to see more original holiday horror movies other than just a serial killer Santa Claus on the loose hackin’ people up. SILENT NIGHT is a bloody good time, and everyone should check it out this season, but maybe next year we can get a holiday ghost story, or a killer flying reindeer flick, or see what happens when lawn decorations turn into killer robots. And I’m sure there’s even more potential holiday-themed horror movies out there, I’m just getting too boozed up to think of them right now. So make this holiday season filled with blood and guts and be sure to check out SILENT NIGHT as well as SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT, JACK FROST, SAINT NICK, BLACK CHRISTMAS, and of course, DIE HARD. Seasons killings, everyone!