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It's the Booze Talkin': F*ck Scary Movie 5! Give us the sequels we want!

04.22.2013by: Ammon Gilbert

Last week a horrific inevitability shook cinemas across the nation: the release of SCARY MOVIE 5. Yet another sequel to a tired-out “spoof” franchise that no one seemed to be asking for, and yet.. they went ahead and made it anyway, and were actually able to cast some “big” stars, like Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, and Snoop Lion even made an appearance. And like every SCARY MOVIE before it (except for maybe the first), it was repetitively stupid, and painful for most people to sit through. Which got me thinking… why are we getting a sequel to a franchise no one gives two f*cks about? Why aren’t we getting sequels to movies that we actually want to see???

Last summer’s sleeper hit was a little movie called DREDD. It made less than a tiny ripple at the box office, but it appeared to have legs on video, and just about every person who has seen really liked it. It’s fun! It’s brutally violent! And let’s face it, NAME NAME is the shit! And yet, when rumors sparked a little while back that there was the possibility of a sequel in the works, the rumors were more or less immediately shot down. Studios aren’t willing to put forth the money for a sequel, and no one is particularly on board… except for Karl Urban himself. If any movie needed and deserved a sequel, it’s DREDD… just think of the different adventures and ass-kicking crime-fighting the dude still has in him. Comic super heroes are hot right now, right??? Why not give DREDD another shot? PUNISHER got a sequel! But no, it appears it’s not meant to be… yet we get another SCARY MOVIE???

Guillermo del Toro is hard at work finishing up PACIFIC RIM, this summer’s biggest tent pole movie, yet the guy still has a soft spot for his previous ass-kicking hero franchise: HELLBOY. HELLBOY 2 left fans thirsty for more, it seemed to do decent at the box office, and everyone from Ron Perlman on down appear to be down for another go at it. But will we be seeing a sequel anytime soon? Nope. In fact, del Toro and Perlman have both come out in a round about way and have shot down any inclining that another entry in the HELLBOY franchise will ever happen. Too much on del Toro’s plate? Not enough interest? Too much budget to realistically make back at the box office? Quite possibly all of the above. But I’ll tell you one thing: I’d rather see another HELLBOY movie, as would most people, than have to sit through another SCARY MOVIE. So what sequel do we get? A SCARY MOVIE sequel, of course!

I wasn’t a huge fan of Platinum Dunes’ FRIDAY THE 13TH remake, but I can acknowledge that it had potential to be awesome, and if they made a sequel, I’d be more than happy to throw down $10 to see it in the theaters. As soon as it came out in 2009, rumblings that a sequel was in the works was already at play. But that’s just it… they’ve never amounted to anything more than just rumblings. Rumors of a sequel in the snow floated about (awesome!), about a sequel that was 100% original and not a remake at all was on everyone’s breathe (awesome!), yet Platinum Dunes has more or less come out and said that it will never happen, and that it’s been shelved indefinitely. WTF??? Jason Voorhees has so much more to offer the world, and yet no new adventures are on the horizon? A goddamn shame.

Then there’s the fate of Michael Myers. Rob Zombie had his way with him for 2 surprisingly successful movies, and word on the street is that writer/director team Todd Farmer and Patrick Lussier were on board for a HALLOWEEN 3D, and a script and everything all ready to go. And after months of it being toyed around with, the project has been more or less snuffed out for good. This is a time of 3D mania, where schlocky horror like PIRANHA 3D is a success, where a movie featuring one of the most recognizable movie maniacs of all time would be coming at you in the third dimension. Hell, they did it with TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D, why the hell couldn’t they do it with HALLOWEEN? Oh, that’s right, because they were too busy greenlighting SCARY MOVIE 5, a movie that no one in their right mind would want to see.

Maybe it’s the booze talkin’, but out of all the potential sequels we have out there, the one we get is SCARY MOVIE 5… and that is some serious bullshit! Give me a DREDD 2, a HELLBOY 3, a FRIDAY THE 13h PART 2, or a HALLOWEEN 3D any day of the f*cking week before giving us such ridiculous garbage as SCARY MOVIE 5. Luckily, it didn’t do all that well at the box office its opening weekend, and hopefully it winds up being a complete bomb as the weeks go on, but since it only cost like $20M to make, I’m sure it’s seen as a success in the studios’ eyes, and hell, they probably want another one. F*ck that! Give us a sequel we actually want!

Extra Tidbit: What sequels are you waiting for? I also want a sequel to MY BLOODY VALENTINE!

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