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It's the Booze Talking: Abraham Lincoln, Lamest Looking Movie of the Year

03.27.2012by: Ammon Gilbert

The latest craze in horror fiction seems to be the twist on contemporary classics, throwing zombies or vampires or what-have-yous into settings where zombies or vampires (or what-have-yous) simply shouldnít exist. From PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES to SENSE AND SENSIBILITY AND SEA MONSTERS, and JANE SLAYER to MANSFIELD PARK AND MUMMIES, people keep buying the books so authors keep writing them. I get it. Classic literature made a little more exciting with a horror twist. I also get why ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER was so popular they decided to make a movie about it. An American president, a look at history with a vampires lurking in the background, and itís someone other than Buffy doing the slaying. In book form, Iím sure itís awesome. But as a movie? Aw hells nahÖ.

On paper, the idea of adapting AL:VH into a movie sounds like a cool idea. Heís Honest Abe, he presidents the country by day and slays vampires by night. Cool. But upon seeing the initial TEASER TRAILER, itís been apparent that what sounded like a good idea was actually not a good ideaÖ or at least, the execution has gone horribly wrong. When the teaser opens up, youíre expecting some sort of biopic, as it introduces a former President of the United States doing what he all know him to do: wear a big olí hat, give speeches, be President-like. But then, we find out heís a vampire hunter, and the action ensues. Which would be fine and dandy except itís presented so goddamn straight that itís hard to tellÖ is this thing for real or a f*cking joke?

By the time olí Abe is chopping down a tree with superhuman force, with the tree trunk exploding, I was laughing out loud at its utter ridiculousness and knew that all the effort that was put into making this flick awesome got lost somewhere along the way into the realm of silliness. I have to believe that when the title for ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER came on screen, most audiences across the country simply had a WTF? look on their face. I know I didÖ Now, I havenít read the book, but any flick about vampire slaying that has Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov involved, Iím f*cking there in a heartbeatÖ except, it seems, for this one.

But maybe it was a marketing issueómaybe the trailer wasnít cut the way it should have been, maybe theyíre going an angle that proved to be 100% wrong and 100% inaccurate from what the movie will actually be like. Itís possible, right? Trailers have been known to mislead from time to time, as the people cutting the trailer together arenít the same people who cut the movie together, and a lot of times, the directors and producers arenít allowed input on whatís in the trailer, how it looks, and all that funky-fresh jazz. Maybe the goofiness of the teaser is actually the complete opposite of the actual badassery this film is actually going to be, right? I had hope, until the LATEST TRAILER hit last week and it became all-too apparent that AL:VH is doomed for silliness.

I should like a movie where a dude with an axe jumps around like the ultimate action hero, chopping up vampires left and right while riding on exploding trains and blowing up tree trunks and whatnot, but goddamn I simply canít get into anything this flick has to offer. Hell, I even love the presence of Johnny Cash thrown in there. But thereís something about the fact that itís Abe Lincoln that has me giving this trailer, and now this entire movie, a big olí middle finger. And I think thatís just it: itís Abe f*cking Lincoln in the middle of all this action. The dude on the five dollar bill. A former f*cking President, for f*ckís sake. But more importantly, itís a real life person weíre expected to believe used to slay vampires with his battleaxe to avenge the death of his mother. Jesus Christ, saying it out loud like that makes me feel like the silliest mother*cker on the planet.

Maybe itís the booze talkiní, but ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER looks like one of the lamest movies of the year. The fact that Fox is selling this shit like the ultimate action movie with vampires in it, pimping out Burton and Bekmambetovís involvement, and even pushing the 3D down everyoneís throats makes me hate it a little more, as if theyíre expecting this movie to be one of the biggest blockbusters of the year/summeróand guess what? It wonít be. This shit is gonna bomb at the box office, and everyone involved is gonna look just as silly as the f*cking movie does. Regardless of how popular the book is or how cool the concept sounds, everything about having Abe Lincoln f*cking up vampires in movie form is just about the most ridiculously stupid thing imaginable and I canít wait to see it flop.

Extra Tidbit: Will you see this in the theater, on video, or... never?

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