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It's the Booze Talking: Abraham Lincoln, Lamest Looking Movie of the Year

03.27.2012by: Ammon Gilbert

The latest craze in horror fiction seems to be the twist on contemporary classics, throwing zombies or vampires or what-have-yous into settings where zombies or vampires (or what-have-yous) simply shouldnít exist. From PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES to SENSE AND SENSIBILITY AND SEA MONSTERS, and JANE SLAYER to MANSFIELD PARK AND MUMMIES, people keep buying the books so authors keep writing them. I get it. Classic literature made a little more exciting with a horror twist. I also get why ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER was so popular they decided to make a movie about it. An American president, a look at history with a vampires lurking in the background, and itís someone other than Buffy doing the slaying. In book form, Iím sure itís awesome. But as a movie? Aw hells nahÖ.

On paper, the idea of adapting AL:VH into a movie sounds like a cool idea. Heís Honest Abe, he presidents the country by day and slays vampires by night. Cool. But upon seeing the initial TEASER TRAILER, itís been apparent that what sounded like a good idea was actually not a good ideaÖ or at least, the execution has gone horribly wrong. When the teaser opens up, youíre expecting some sort of biopic, as it introduces a former President of the United States doing what he all know him to do: wear a big olí hat, give speeches, be President-like. But then, we find out heís a vampire hunter, and the action ensues. Which would be fine and dandy except itís presented so goddamn straight that itís hard to tellÖ is this thing for real or a f*cking joke?

By the time olí Abe is chopping down a tree with superhuman force, with the tree trunk exploding, I was laughing out loud at its utter ridiculousness and knew that all the effort that was put into making this flick awesome got lost somewhere along the way into the realm of silliness. I have to believe that when the title for ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER came on screen, most audiences across the country simply had a WTF? look on their face. I know I didÖ Now, I havenít read the book, but any flick about vampire slaying that has Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov involved, Iím f*cking there in a heartbeatÖ except, it seems, for this one.

But maybe it was a marketing issueómaybe the trailer wasnít cut the way it should have been, maybe theyíre going an angle that proved to be 100% wrong and 100% inaccurate from what the movie will actually be like. Itís possible, right? Trailers have been known to mislead from time to time, as the people cutting the trailer together arenít the same people who cut the movie together, and a lot of times, the directors and producers arenít allowed input on whatís in the trailer, how it looks, and all that funky-fresh jazz. Maybe the goofiness of the teaser is actually the complete opposite of the actual badassery this film is actually going to be, right? I had hope, until the LATEST TRAILER hit last week and it became all-too apparent that AL:VH is doomed for silliness.

I should like a movie where a dude with an axe jumps around like the ultimate action hero, chopping up vampires left and right while riding on exploding trains and blowing up tree trunks and whatnot, but goddamn I simply canít get into anything this flick has to offer. Hell, I even love the presence of Johnny Cash thrown in there. But thereís something about the fact that itís Abe Lincoln that has me giving this trailer, and now this entire movie, a big olí middle finger. And I think thatís just it: itís Abe f*cking Lincoln in the middle of all this action. The dude on the five dollar bill. A former f*cking President, for f*ckís sake. But more importantly, itís a real life person weíre expected to believe used to slay vampires with his battleaxe to avenge the death of his mother. Jesus Christ, saying it out loud like that makes me feel like the silliest mother*cker on the planet.

Maybe itís the booze talkiní, but ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER looks like one of the lamest movies of the year. The fact that Fox is selling this shit like the ultimate action movie with vampires in it, pimping out Burton and Bekmambetovís involvement, and even pushing the 3D down everyoneís throats makes me hate it a little more, as if theyíre expecting this movie to be one of the biggest blockbusters of the year/summeróand guess what? It wonít be. This shit is gonna bomb at the box office, and everyone involved is gonna look just as silly as the f*cking movie does. Regardless of how popular the book is or how cool the concept sounds, everything about having Abe Lincoln f*cking up vampires in movie form is just about the most ridiculously stupid thing imaginable and I canít wait to see it flop.

Extra Tidbit: Will you see this in the theater, on video, or... never?

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9:54PM on 03/28/2012
I always thought the book would be a tough one to turn into a film. The book has way too many important details that more than likely wont be covered in the film. Not getting my hopes up... Time will tell.
I always thought the book would be a tough one to turn into a film. The book has way too many important details that more than likely wont be covered in the film. Not getting my hopes up... Time will tell.
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2:36PM on 03/28/2012
When I first saw the trailer, I immediately thought of Van Helsing, except this film actually looks even dumber, which I didn't think was humanely possible! Everyone in my theater was laughing their asses off at how terrible it looked, I was just groaning and rolling my eyes. I like Timur, but I really wish he'd get around to making a sequel to Wanted instead of doing garbage like this.
When I first saw the trailer, I immediately thought of Van Helsing, except this film actually looks even dumber, which I didn't think was humanely possible! Everyone in my theater was laughing their asses off at how terrible it looked, I was just groaning and rolling my eyes. I like Timur, but I really wish he'd get around to making a sequel to Wanted instead of doing garbage like this.
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+1
12:14AM on 03/28/2012

Love the Contrast!

The fact that this flick seems to be dividing peeps from those who think it looks good and those who think it looks like crap is f*cking awesome. Love it or hate it, the fact that a genre flick has people talking has to be a good thing, right?

But I'd rather see the Arrow's BILL CLINTON: PUSSY HUNTER than this goofball of a flick any day of the week!
The fact that this flick seems to be dividing peeps from those who think it looks good and those who think it looks like crap is f*cking awesome. Love it or hate it, the fact that a genre flick has people talking has to be a good thing, right?

But I'd rather see the Arrow's BILL CLINTON: PUSSY HUNTER than this goofball of a flick any day of the week!
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10:57PM on 03/27/2012

Big Turd

I completely agree with this article, this movie looks so lame! I'm sorry but Timur's action scenes are so stupid looking and over the top I can't take it at all seriously, I haven't liked a single thing this guy has done, he seems to be making movies for 10 year olds that say "oh wow look at Abe spin that axe and throw people up onto buildings!" I saw this trailer in front of Hunger Games and the entire packed house theater burst into laughter about how stupid this was. This movie will bomb
I completely agree with this article, this movie looks so lame! I'm sorry but Timur's action scenes are so stupid looking and over the top I can't take it at all seriously, I haven't liked a single thing this guy has done, he seems to be making movies for 10 year olds that say "oh wow look at Abe spin that axe and throw people up onto buildings!" I saw this trailer in front of Hunger Games and the entire packed house theater burst into laughter about how stupid this was. This movie will bomb hard, some of you fans may not want to admit it, but this movie is gonna suck big time!
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10:46PM on 03/27/2012
Disagree. It looks like it's played straight, but the action looks ridiculously over-the-top... I think that's the point. I don't think the filmmakers took it quite as seriously as you think.
Disagree. It looks like it's played straight, but the action looks ridiculously over-the-top... I think that's the point. I don't think the filmmakers took it quite as seriously as you think.
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7:38PM on 03/27/2012

Looks

This looks like good, silly fun. I think you're reading way too much into the trailer. When I saw Hunger Game, AL:VH trailer before and even the not=so=film inclined teeny boppers said it looked cheesy but fun. It'll be a hoot.
This looks like good, silly fun. I think you're reading way too much into the trailer. When I saw Hunger Game, AL:VH trailer before and even the not=so=film inclined teeny boppers said it looked cheesy but fun. It'll be a hoot.
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3:12PM on 03/27/2012
This year's Sucker Punch? Minus the limited hottie appeal.
This year's Sucker Punch? Minus the limited hottie appeal.
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3:05PM on 03/27/2012

Disagree

I think it looks like fun. I am hoping for Wanted meets Sleepy Hollow.
I think it looks like fun. I am hoping for Wanted meets Sleepy Hollow.
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+1
2:44PM on 03/27/2012
This movie looks like a good time. I think you're the one taking it too seriously.
This movie looks like a good time. I think you're the one taking it too seriously.
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+3
2:34PM on 03/27/2012
I'd say it's the booze. I wouldn't go as far as saying its the most awesome looking movie but far from the lamest. Looks fun at least. I might not go to the movies to see it but I'll definately check it out on DVD if I don't. I admit I'm a little skeptical if it will work, and to be honest I'm pretty much expecting another Jonah Hex. I know it's not a true horror as such but it IS still genre and whether you think it looks shit or not (to each their own you are entitled to your opinion)wishing
I'd say it's the booze. I wouldn't go as far as saying its the most awesome looking movie but far from the lamest. Looks fun at least. I might not go to the movies to see it but I'll definately check it out on DVD if I don't. I admit I'm a little skeptical if it will work, and to be honest I'm pretty much expecting another Jonah Hex. I know it's not a true horror as such but it IS still genre and whether you think it looks shit or not (to each their own you are entitled to your opinion)wishing to fail is a bit harsh IMO. Too many genre movies have failed of late, even decent ones while crap that tries to pass for horror like Twishite succeeds. We should be hoping this at least is good and has moderate success.
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2:03PM on 03/27/2012

It's the booze talkin

My wife is even stoked to see this. But she loved the book.
My wife is even stoked to see this. But she loved the book.
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-5
1:38PM on 03/27/2012

Looks Great compared to Tim Burtons other film

How can this be the lamest of the summer when Tim Burton's other Flick Dark Shadows is coming out?? when are people going to figure out the Tim Burton fucking sucks?? I am so sick of him and his emo style. Fuck him and Dark Shadows!!

Have a nice day :):)
How can this be the lamest of the summer when Tim Burton's other Flick Dark Shadows is coming out?? when are people going to figure out the Tim Burton fucking sucks?? I am so sick of him and his emo style. Fuck him and Dark Shadows!!

Have a nice day :):)
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1:46PM on 03/27/2012
LMAO!
LMAO!
-2
12:29PM on 03/27/2012

Looks shocking.

The title should sell the movie itself. But it has that "taking itself far too seriously" tone to it (along with a butt-load of CGI) that makes it look more like the Resident Evil shitness as opposed to the camp quality of say From Dusk til Dawn or Slither (as two completely random camp-horror examples)
The title should sell the movie itself. But it has that "taking itself far too seriously" tone to it (along with a butt-load of CGI) that makes it look more like the Resident Evil shitness as opposed to the camp quality of say From Dusk til Dawn or Slither (as two completely random camp-horror examples)
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9:52AM on 03/27/2012
It's definitely the booze talking cause this looks really fun.
It's definitely the booze talking cause this looks really fun.
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+18
9:32AM on 03/27/2012
It's a stupid premise but it looks like fun times to me! I hope the sequel is called BILL CLINTON: PUSSY HUNTER!
It's a stupid premise but it looks like fun times to me! I hope the sequel is called BILL CLINTON: PUSSY HUNTER!
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12:00PM on 03/27/2012
And the award for Best cComment of the year goes to...THE ARROW!
And the award for Best cComment of the year goes to...THE ARROW!
9:14AM on 03/27/2012
Sorry, gotta highly disagree and say that this movie looks f*cking awesome.
Sorry, gotta highly disagree and say that this movie looks f*cking awesome.
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+1
8:24AM on 03/27/2012
I'm inclined to blame Timur Bekmambetov. He impressed me with Night Watch, but after Day Watch and Wanted I noticed a recurring theme - he has no sense of humour. In those movies all the ridiculous stuff about the chalk of fate or the wool of destiny was played completely straight. Is it just coincidence that his latest movie seems to suffer exactly the same flaw?
I'm inclined to blame Timur Bekmambetov. He impressed me with Night Watch, but after Day Watch and Wanted I noticed a recurring theme - he has no sense of humour. In those movies all the ridiculous stuff about the chalk of fate or the wool of destiny was played completely straight. Is it just coincidence that his latest movie seems to suffer exactly the same flaw?
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7:56AM on 03/27/2012
I wouldn't say it's the lamest movie of the summer. This might turn out good.
I wouldn't say it's the lamest movie of the summer. This might turn out good.
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