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Five Holy Sh!t Moments from Alien: Covenant

Like many of you, I had the chance to finally see Ridley Scott's ALIEN: COVENANT this past weekend. And like many of you, I was left a bit deflated. I blame high-as-the-sky expectations. That said, one thing we can all agree on is the flick had its fair share of shocking and/or holy sh!t, and/or WTF?! Moments so this is a countdown in memory of those moments. I shouldn't have to say this but: This article contains SPOILERS for Alien: Covenant. Actually, it contains MASSIVE SPOILERS for Alien: Covenant. You know what, actually, this article contains ULTIMATE SPOILERS for Alien: Covenant. There. Now if you haven't seen the flick and continue on it's your own damn fault. Now let's get to it!

1. Dissecting Elizabeth Shaw

This 'twist' was ruined for me but was still a shock due to the ambiguous true intentions David had for Shaw. Did he murder her or merely take scientific advantage of her death? This is my biggest talking point with other fans; half say he was psycho (he told Ripley 2.0, more or less, 'I'm going to kill you too') and half say he used her for science only after her death. I believe - or like to believe - in the years between PROMETHEUS and COVENANT, David did come to love Shaw. Then some of that black goo got out of control, killing Shaw, and THAT is why David wiped out the Engineers; it was either revenge or, how about this, Shaw knew the Engineers' plan to destroy Earth, so in her last moments she asked David to save the world for her. Lovely. But what about David wanting to destroy humanity? Maybe he's sore after losing her. After all, he didn't kill Ripley 2.0 when he had the chance. Or the sleeping colonists. At least not yet... But the biggest clue David DID love Shaw is her grave. David spent 10 years alone on this planet, why bother with a grave? Exactly. There's more to Shaw/David's story and it will eventually be what provides David's redemption. After all, there's still a Space Jockey alive in the universe, and he will one day board a ship filled with Alien eggs, no doubt, to destroy all humans. Who do you think will put those eggs in his ship? But I guess we'll see...

2. David Created the Xenomorphs

I guess we saw this coming. But it was shocking nonetheless, as Fassbender's David is a consistent thrill because we're never sure if we love the guy or not. Sure, this is helped by the fact that he is a robot and thus makes us ask, who's really the villain here - David, or Peter Weyland - but it is really Fassbender that keeps that 'should we cheer or cry at David's eventual demise' back and forth alive and well. Anyways, the big reveal of the film is, yes, David's crazy-ass created the xenomorphs we know and love today. More shocking, however, is when the chest-burster finally emerges from Doctor Manhattan's chest and stands, foully-formed, it then, in an eerie puppet show of sorts, mimics David's movements. That shit was freaky as hell. And silly as sh*t. But that's how the best horror works; you can't quite comprehend this new development so your brain either revolts or laughs at it. Both a defense mechanism. That scene was beautiful and horrific. Everything an ALIEN flick should be.

3. Franco Goes Up in Flames

This was my favorite twist of the movie and unfairly set me up to think the entire film was going to be this brave and bold. To lay the scene, the Covenant takes on space-damage earlier than expected. We see Franco's (no doubt stoned) ass laying in his sleep tube as trouble breaks out. The crew can't get his pod open. And because I'm an asshole, I was sitting there for the 25-second scene, checking my watch like 'come one, it's Franco we know he's gonna be- OMAGODNO!' This was a classic gotcha moment that may have happened so quickly people will forget it. But in the days post-PSYCHO and SCREAM where we don't trust a big name = safe anymore, ALIEN: COVENANT did one better and killed the (debatably) biggest name in the cast before he got the chance to speak a line, let alone open his (stoned) eyes. Plus, it's a smart ploy other than shock-value. It keeps his death in our minds (or at least it should have) and his casting makes us feel we knew him better, giving us a sense, somewhat, of the loss Ripley 2.0 must feel. But they didn't follow through enough for us to care. Oh, well. It's still great shock value.

4. Mouth-Burster

A lot of hoopla has been made, and probably will continue to be made, about the 'back-burster' scene. I say, 'meh.' Maybe it was the scene's prominence in promotional materials, but I didn't find the back-buster scene to have (quite) the impact as another bloody body-burster scene. The one that got me was when the bearded dude - who, if I'm not wrong, was Demián Bichir's loverboy - started convulsing and then, like a scene from DEAD ALIVE, his eyes, nose, and mouth super-soaker sprayed mucho blood on all his homies. And out of his gaping maw nightmare'd a neomorph. That sh*t got me. I only wish there had been more swing for the fences, B-movie gore on display throughout. And why not? Blood and gore for blood and gore's sake is one thing, but Tarantino knows that epic blood-gouts can work in otherwise (semi) serious affairs aka Django Unchained. Unchain yourself, Ridley Scott, and on the next ALIEN flick, let the blood hit the moon.

5 (for real). David and Walter sitting in a cave, K-I-S-S-I-N-G

In the first real entry of this list, we have that eerie kiss between das duos Fassbenders in the flute-cave. I don't know about you, but as David was getting closer and closer, and becoming more and more seductive with his identical 'twin', all I kept thinking was "kiss him, you nazi-killing magnetic son of a bi*tch!" and then the fact that he actually did makes me happier than seeing two Vickers make out (not really). Add this to the fact that the frat boys sitting behind me starting laughing at this part (not that I blame them) and their laughs were cut right the f*ck short as in the next instant David neck-stabbed the d*ck off of Walter and caused him to crumple like an android accordion (band name), making for a great moment of horror-timing; get em laughing then rip their guts out. Personally, I'd watch a whole movie about an android Fassbender falling in love with another android Fassbender, sitting in caves, playing 'flutes', and eating pudding. But maybe that's just me.

5. David is Walter

Holy sh*t! So you're telling me throughout the film's third (actually, fourth) act the kind-hearted robot Walter was actually the psychopathic David in disguise! I didn't see that coming at all! Said exactly no one. I'm sorry to start this countdown with a smartass joke, but really, who didn't see this twist coming? What's worse is it all but ruined the film's fourth act because we were all left waiting for the movie to catch up with us. What's worse still is that it left the door open for your stupid assh*le buddy to no doubt gloat throughout the film's finale saying, "yeah, I saw that coming." And good. That's what you get for inviting f*cking Brian to movie night.
Tags: Hollywood

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