Horror Ten Spot: My favorite Bikini-Clad Scream Queens!
With Memorial Day in the rearview, the unofficial summer season is now upon us. Sure the solstice doesn't hit until June 21st, but for cinematic purposes, we're already in the mode of beach-bathing bikinis and bloated summer blockbusters. Considering this, and the fact John Gulager's unabashedly sleazy PIRANHA 3DD busts out in limited release today, what better way to call attention to the flick than by reveling in the very prurience the film boasts. I'm talking bikini clad hotties! Many a scream queen over the years have donned the sexy two-piece bather, but there's only ten top spots available. So get out the lube an enjoy our ten hottest bikini clad scream queens...I know I will!
Though hardly parlaying her appearance in the odious FRIDAY THE 13TH remake into a bona fide scream queen, Willa Ford jet-skiing topless is too memorable to omit. Continuing a longstanding tradition of franchise babery, notably the skinny-dipping twin hotties in THE FINAL CHAPTER, Willa picked up the torch and carried it proudly. So did Julianna Guill for that matter, though she never technically rocked a bikini. Willa disrobed the top of hers, though Voorhees was clearly less impressed than we were.
Newly 40, I feel impelled to bestow a little love on Carmen Electra's ever delectable frame. Call this a lifetime achievement award if you will, but little has been lost between flaunting her well-toned bikini-body in SCARY MOVIE (at age 27) and the recently released TWO-HEADED SHARK ATTACK. In short, Carmen, whose lusty poster graced my wall as a teenager, has maintained an utterly fantastic figure over the years. Strangely, I feel the same about XXX star Tara Patrick...which happens to be Carmen's real birth name.
Jordan L-A Double D! As gorily masticated as her character becomes in CABIN FEVER, at least Eli Roth was kind enough to strap the blonde bombshell in a dockside bikini before all hell breaks out. Thanks Eli, and thank you mother and father Ladd for blessing your child with such a luscious figure. Truly, thank you. All I can really say if I were lucky enough to be on the set of CABIN FEVER, I'd do all I could to Rider Strong. Ha!
After graduating to the gritty with THE LAST HOUSE remake, fair-haired cutie-pie Sara Paxton has legitimately become a new generational scream queen. Thankfully, Sara showed off the goods in SHARK NIGHT, spending most of the laughable runtime in a sexy eye-matching blue two-piece. Not for nothing, but between that and the jaw-dropping rap video seen after the film credits, I almost feel compelled to forgive David R. Ellis for the film as a whole. Almost!
While boasting one of the most beauteous booties of recent memory in THE UNBORN, Odette Yustman (now Odette Annable) gave Amber Heard a run for her money when sunning in a sexy bathing suit in AND SOON THE DARKNESS. Not a great movie, not a terribly inspired performance, but as far as the visual aesthetic goes...pure poetry! Let's pray Odette's move to TV is a temporary one, we need more of that caramel-complexion on the big-screen!
Proving things Down Under are just as hot as the rest, Aussie stunner Melissa George - one time AITH Mistress of the Month - first caught my eye in the silly 2006 movie TURISTAS. Equaling the exotic beauty of Brazil itself, where the flick took place, it's no easy feat swaying my gaze away from Olivia Wilde, who also paraded around the movie in a skintight bikini. But that's exactly what Ms. George was able to pull off. Too bad she didn't pull off the bikini all the way!
While I'm not as high as some on Amber Heard, only one thing redeemed the piteous STEPFATHER remake. Heard's poolside bikini scenes! Actually, after seeing THE RUM DIARY on the big-screen, I'll attest Heard's taut frame has only gotten more alluring over the last few years. Chick's bodily definition is growing in unison with her acting talent, which, unlike many on the list, continues to impress with each outing. Brains, beauty, talent...hardly un HEARD of!
Nude underwater gymnastics aside, the bodacious bod of British bird Kelly Brook popped just the same in the crimson bikini seen in 2010's PIRANHA. Hard to beat, easy to beat off to! We sure wish the model-cum-actress went on to do more on the big-screen, or wear less, but no one's forgetting the ripple she created in that damn Arizona lake. I mean, when CG fish make you jealously infuriated over getting to eat the girl's flesh...yeah, that's one fine ass honey!
So fine Katrina Bowden proved to be in TUCKER & DALE VS. EVIL, John Gulager felt compelled to give her a key lead in PIRANHA 3DD. Rightfully so. The stunning blonde newcomer arrests the senses when decked in a bra and panties, and if you have the time, I urge you to Google the lovely lass' Esquire "Me In My Place" photo spread. Good lord! I can't imagine her stripping nude in PIRANHA 3DD, but I can surely fantasize. Can't you?!
45 be damned, Halle Berry is still to me the gold standard of cinematic sex appeal. In John Stockwell's DARK TIDE, the olive skinned beauty straps on the bikini and lets the swarthy chest orbs dangle. And for that, I'm wholeheartedly appreciative. Of course, so too was co-star Olivier Martinez, who subsequently took Ms. Berry off the market. That sucks, but is certainly understandable. What's harder to fathom is how unfavorable Halle's career has gone since doing CATWOMAN, remember, deserving or not, we're talking about an Oscar winning actress. Maybe she just needs to go full nudity again and do more controversial interracial sex scenes. Halle, my schedule is wide open!