Last Updated on August 3, 2021
#1. MICHELLE PFEIFFER
Michelle Pfeiffer just turned 55 a few weeks ago. Fifty f*ckin’ five! And you know what, she still swells my crank just as she did when crooning “Cool Rider”, or when dumping champagne in Tony Montana’s face, or when kicking the hell out of the skin tight black leather as Catwoman. Simply put, this woman is my goddess…then, now, forever! That said, don’t let my personal affinity fool you into thinking she’s anything but MILF-tastic…in the utterly putrid NEW YEAR’S EVE, Zac Efron played her love interest. Hugh Dancy before that in CHERI. Nuff said! Thankfully, Ms. Pfeiffer, mother of two, has flirted with the horror genre more than once, most recently in the ludicrous DARK SHADOWS reimagining. Of course, she’s rocked the house in shite like WOLF, WHAT LIES BENEATH, THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK over the years, and has the upcoming Luc Besson thriller MALAVITA in the can. No matter the role, I’ll always be a fife for Pfeiffer!
#2. MONICA BELLUCCI
In a man’s wildest fantasy, I can’t imagine their woman of choice could be any more striking than Monica Bellucci. A zaftig statuesque purebred Italian? Please, this is a perfect specimen! As a former model, Monica has turned her talent into a respectable acting career, never being shy to ingratiate herself to the world of the macabre. After appearing in Coppola’s DRACULA, one of her very first flicks, she’s gone on to do such varied genre fare as BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF, THE MATRIX RELOADED & REVOLUTION, THE BROTHERS GRIMM, DON’T LOOK BACK, and perhaps most memorably, IRREVERSIBLE…in which she presumably met her future hubby and baby-daddy Vincent Cassel (lucky bastard!) Hard to believe Monica will turn 50 next year, but she’s clearly kicked father time’s ass the way she does bad guys.
#3. VERA FARMIGA
Currently killing it as mama to young Norman Bates in A&E’s “Bates Motel” – let’s not forget that the lovely Vera Farmiga also notably played adoptive mother to the malevolent woman-child in ORPHAN, a movie that has a darkly perverse payoff if you’re willing to sit through the preceding beats of a by-the-numbers thriller. And the reason Vera believable in both is likely the fact she’s a real life mother of two, though judging by her appearance, you’d never really be able to tell. Those piercing blue eyes are downright arresting! Luckily for us, we’ll get to see such beauteous peepers (as well as her supreme acting talent) on the big-screen this July when she returns to horror cinema with THE CONJURING, directed by James Wan. Can’t wait for that shite!
#4. JESSICA ALBA
How the hell has Jessica Alba shat out two kids and maintained such an utterly flawless figure?! Oh right, the enviable almond skinned beauty must have sold her soul to the devil…how else do you explain her hellish upcoming roster of MACHETE KILLS and SIN CITY: A DAME TO KILL FOR? Nah, we all know her relationship with Robert Rodriguez has been a long and fruitful one, so no surprise there. However, Alba is currently filming AUTOMATA, a disturbing robot thriller for Spanish director Gabe Ibanez. Of course, before becoming a mommy, Alba starred in the American redo of THE EYE, not to mention stripped down to her skivvies in the silly horror-comedy IDLE HANDS (I think she looks even better now). As a mother, she’s appeared in the brutally disturbing THE KILLER INSIDE ME, which makes one think, has motherhood brought out Alba’s dark side? If so, we’re all lucky as leprechauns!
#5. JULIANNE MOORE
“You mean, coitus?!” Exactamundo Ms. Moore, coital bliss is the exact sentiment you evoke whenever you appear on screen, whether 25 years ago or today! Even having been nominated for three Oscars, the gorgeous red-haired, porcelain-skinned beauty has never been averse to letting her talent shine in the horror genre. She’s taken on top villains like Norman Bates and Hannibal Lector in the past, and most recently, has tackled stuff like THE FORGOTTEN, BLINDNESS, 6 SOULS, not to mention plays CARRIE’S sadistic mother later this year. Oh and she reunites with Lebowski (Jeff Bridges) in THE SEVENTH SON, which actually opens the same day as Carrie (October 18th). Could be the genre year of Julianne, hell, she’s even doing a Cronenberg film with John Cusack called MAP TO THE STARS. I love this chick!
#6. ELISABETH SHUE
The Shue always fits! From ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING to wrangling her own real life kiddies (3 of them with documentarian Davis Guggenheim), Elisabeth Shue has sort of become the go-to MILF in modern horror movies. She’s appeared in shite like PIRANHA and HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET the last few years, playing the sultrily concerned mama, not to mention has prior genre experience dating back to THE TRIGGER EFFECT and HOLLOW MAN in the nineties and early aughts. Thing is, she happens to be a tremendous actor, just scope her work in LEAVING LAS VEGAS to see how she catapulted Nic Cage into Oscar winning territory. Now though, Shue has transitioned to the small-screen, where she still deals with grisliness on the regular by starring in “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation.” Props for keeping it real Lisa!
#7. KRISTY SWANSON
Bona fide vampire slayer, boner-inducing Playboy model, mother of one…Kristy Swanson is no doubt one sexy beast! Fortunately for us, after appearing in the TV movie SWAMP SHARK a couple years ago (on SyFy no less), Swanson will be putting her MILF-alicious qualities to work in MIMESIS 2…as the character of “Mother.” Sounds about right! Of course, Kristy has also been guest starring on the TV series “Psych,” which has its fair share of genre conventions. That said, as lovely as she’s grown to be, I’ll always have fond memories of Swanson as one of the abused kiddies trapped in upstairs in FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC. Who would have thought such a tortured little girl would amount to such a drop dead looker…well over 25 years later. Now that her child is no longer a newborn, let’s hope Kristy’s motherly duties don’t keep her from getting back into the acting ring ASAP!
#8. KARI WUHRER
Perhaps our most unheralded MILF of the bunch, it’s actually pretty hard to believe that Kari Wuhrer, who still looks fantastic by the way (at least she did in EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS), has birthed 3 children. I mean, just scope that perfect frame above! Over the years Wuhrer has appeared in such genre outings as BEASTMASTER 2, “Swamp Thing”, THINNER, ANACONDA, et al…before ultimately doing a solid television stretch into the aughts. The best news of all though, yup, you guessed it, Ms. Wuhrer is returning to the genre world next year in the thriller SECRETS OF A PSYCHOPATH. If that’s not enough to get your blood boiling, consider the following personal quote from Kari herself: “It’s either a freeing experience thing for me or it’s some kind of insecurity thing where I really love my body and I honestly do think it’s my biggest asset.” Now that’s a woman!
#9. DENISE RICHARDS
Sheesh…it’s been 15 years and I’m still beating off to the Sapphic swimming-pool scene in WILD THINGS. Damn you Matt Dillon! Sure Denise Richards has matured a bit since then, going so far as to squeeze out two of Charlie Sheen’s children. A brave soul right there! Now, no one is accusing Denise of having the acting chops as some of the other esteemed MILFS on this here list, but her resume in the horror genre is enough to land some love. Currently filming a new mystery/thriller series called “Twisted,” Richards obviously made her mark in shite like STARSHIP TROOPERS, VALENTINE, SCARY MOVIE 3, EDMOND and apparently starred in the 1994 movie with Paul Walker called TAMMY AND THE T-REX, in which the brain of a murderer is implanted into an animatronic T-Rex that proceeds to go on a kill-crazy rampage. What?! Why haven’t I seen this one?
#10. SHERILYN FENN
The first time I laid eyes on Sherilyn Fenn as a kid had to be when watching the classic 80s teen comedy JUST ONE OF THE GUYS, the indelible part being when she peeled off her top to reveal that sexy black lacy bra. Oh sweet memories! Of course, as the years mounted and the horror hold took over, I continued to see the Fenn more frequently. The now ultra-sexy mother of one appeared in stuff like ZOMBIE HIGH before going on to be one of David Lynch’s minor muses in WILD AT HEART and TWIN PEAKS…ultimately starring in Jennifer Lynch’s feature debut BOXING HELENA. As the 90s came to a close, Sherilyn transitioned to TV, doing everything from “Dawson’s Creek” to “Boston Public.” But guess what folks, she’s back! No joke, Ms. Fenn recently starred in the action-horror film RAZE, which just came out in the states last month. Glad to have you back Sheri!
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