Well what do you know...another 12 months elapsed, another harem of hotties laid flat on the coroner's slab. A real shame, I know. But yes, 'tis that time of year friends. As the calendar speeds toward 2013, and pundits across the board bestow their annual end of the year best-of and worst-of lists, we're doing a little something different. For us here at AITH, it's time to pay our respects by at once weeping and drooling over the finest females victimized onscreen in 2012. Theatrical, DVD, no matter...if she's a top shelf looker and happened to get physically or psychologically tormented in front of our eyes, we're throwing her some love. F*ck a Top Ten, it's Christmas...here's a cool dozen broads to keep you warm this winter. Warning: A few spoilers ahead!
Was there a more fun horror movie this year than CABIN IN THE WOODS? If so, I missed it. Tell you what, a hotter frame than Anna Hutchison you'd be hard-pressed to find in any movie this year, regardless of genre. Good gravy! The stunning blond Kiwi not only bares all in the film, she's reduced to a damsel in distress, her fear at the controls of the cynically sadistic Dick Jenkins and Bradley Whitford. But really, when home-girl is violated in the woods, stripped down and taken advantage of, the increased beat of my heart was divided between the sympathy I had the character and the boner in my shorts her pert body induced. Don't judge.
And the award for most asinine horror film I can remember seeing in a long time goes to...ATM, a script so insultingly dumb it's a wonder it ever got read past page 10, much less made into a feature. Just, wow. Even the British sex-bomb Alice Eve couldn't save this one from the doldrums of stupidity, but her sheer sex appeal was probably the only thing keeping me even remotely interested. Of course, it takes place in New York on Christmas Eve, so naturally, the beauteous Eve is more covered up than a goddamn Murdoch wiretapping scandal. No bueno. Come to think of it, Alice was victimized most by appearing in this loathsome dreck.
As impressed with her very first starring turn as I am with her raw sex appeal, Gretchen Lodge is every bit deserving for her work in LOVELY MOLLY. In fact, as a whole I may have short shrifted Eduardo Sanchez's latest horror film when I reviewed it last April. Consider this amends of sorts (my enjoyment was sounded but the score a bit low), if for no other reason than to shine some light on Lodge's daring performance. For those who haven't seen the film, this one's too good to spoil, so let me just echo how impressed I was with Gretchen's emotional range in the picture. She's asked to soar high and slink low, asked to strip bare and get grimy. Literally and figuratively.
A bride in blood-covered white lace...rocking a chainsaw? What dreams are made of! Thankfully for us, Spanish hottie Leticia Dolera holds such a distinction in Paco Plaza's [REC] 3, in which, yes, the lovely newlywed finds her wedding quickly mutated into a diseases ridden bloodbath. The swarthy waif handles it well, as well as she can considering the circumstances, and with each heart-stopping hurdle she clears, we fall that much more head over heels for her. As for the flick itself, it fosters a more comedic tone than its predecessors, and bucks the wall to wall POV angles, despite actually having just cause for the shaky hand held cams (it's a wedding!)
Canadian model cum actress Roxanne McKee - currently killing it on HBO's "Game of Thrones" - is far too fine a specimen to consider leaving out, even if her victimization comes in the otherwise panned WRONG TURN 5: BLOODLINES. Or if not panned, certainly tucked away from the public, having been released direct-to-disc. No matter though, she earned her spot. We won't tell if she makes it to the end credits alive, but suffice it to say the poor girl catches all the grief imaginable.
Turning into quite the go-to holiday scream-queen - having done MY BLOODY VALENTINE, MOTHER'S DAY and now SILENT NIGHT - Jaime King is also one of the sexiest sirens currently gracing the genre world. The fair-haired heater fuses a next door innocence with a perpetual nubility that's damn hard to resist. She's the vogue mullet of hotties...all proper in front, likely a wildcat on the down-low. In the well toned (and received) SILENT NIGHT, King plays a sheriff in way over her head when a murderous Santa wrecks her quaint little town. But will the King be dethroned in the end? That's for you to open up this Christmas!
It girl de jure, J.Law as I affectionately refer to her as, showed great enthusiasm in the otherwise laughable PG-13 thriller HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET (or HATES, as the appropriate acronym). Strutting around in a sweaty tank-top, catching grief from pretty much everyone in town, including her mom, Lawrence proves she can carry subpar material into bearable watchability. Of course, Lisa Shue as her mom never hurts...damn I love that woman! But back to Jen. You know that as the above the title star, she never suffers too harsh a fate, but watching her play the damsel in distress is fun to watch nonetheless.
Who knew the sexiest Olsen could actually act! One could consider this a breakout salute as well, and since SILENT HOUSE is an inferior film, it's worth mentioning Elizabeth Olsen's turn in MARTHA MARCY MAY MARLENE if you want to get a real sense of her talent. Still, in the remake of the supposed one-take Uruguayan horror flick, Olsen not only suffers a rather ill fate, she gives her all with limited material to work with. Paranoia, psychosis and fevered hallucinations are what mainly wrack the poor girl as she continues to peel the horrors of her family secrets. A solid turn by a promising talent in a pretty subpar picture.
Terrible movie, gorgeous gal! Allow me to apologize on Ashley Greene's behalf, after all, we're now chummy-chummy after chopping it up on the very set of the flick that's been universally lambasted. Even without a stitch of makeup, under a hot wattage flood lamp, Ashley was as natural a beauty as you'll find. Ever. And what makes her even sexier? Her eloquence. She spoke with great articulation, impressing with her words and piercing my soul by staring directly into my orbs when speaking. Now, as for THE APPARITION, not so bueno.
THE TALL MAN, TOTAL RECALL - you name it - Jessica Biel is far, far too lusty to omit from this here fete. Point blank...the chick has the best booty in the biz! I defy anyone to cite otherwise. In terms of material though, THE TALL MAN gives Biel more to sink her teeth into, including a giant plot twist about halfway through the film. I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say Biel plays victim and culprit at various points in the picture. In TOTAL RECALL, she plays the original Rachel Ticotin role of Melina, so you already know how her fate turns out. Sadly, neither film is very good, but Biel's mere presence raises the entertainment value.
Really, you could drop a line and hook any busty babe from John Gulager's unapologetically skeezy PIRANHA 3DD, but since Katrina Bowden's character suffers the most intimate body violation of anyone else, I'm casting a pity vote as well as one of animal attraction her way. Besides, just look at her! Such a rare specimen, it's almost a damn shame when she gets her cooch ravaged by a uncouth prehistoric flesh-eater. I'm actually jealous of that toothy little bastard though, how could one not be? The slimy little f*cker goes down on Bowden faster than Pacquiao in the 6th.
My queen, my contessa, my ultimate crush! Yes, my unhealthy infatuation with the supremely talented and generationally gorgeous Charlize Theron will not allow me to award the top spot to another living being. So sue me. Charlize is simply the gold standard, for this list or any other! In Ridley Scott's PROMETHEUS, Theron plays the power-hungry ice-queen Vickers, her authoritative stature only heightening her sexiness.