Horror Ten Spot: Sexiest Witches!
For a pumped up red-blooded horror fan, what's better than seeing a super sexy witch bitch onscreen? Seriously, is there another creature in the horror/fantasy genre able to at once frighten and arouse so greatly...to induce as many heart-attacks as straight-up hard-attacks? Very few, if any. With HANSEL AND GRETEL WITCH HUNTERS out today, not to mention LORDS OF SALEM and OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL out later this year, it seems such baleful-but-beauteous creatures will be dominating movie screens in 2013. To this end we thought it'd be fun to take a look back at some of the best of the bunch. That said, f*ck the green-skinned, hairy mole types hovering over a steaming colander, nah...we're highlighted 10 of the all-time sexiest witches seen in film. Enjoy!
Whoa...excuse me while I clean the mess in my shorts left after pondering a few minutes alone with Alyssa Milano, Rose McGowan and Holly Marie Combs...the three TV witches from "Charmed." Seriously, I know this is about as far from the horror genre as one can get, but good goddamn, a hotter coven there has never ever been. Hell, even when Shannen Doherty was originally in McGowan's role, only the WITCHES OF EASTWICK could hold a hotter-flamed candle. Granted, I've never personally seen more than a few minutes of any one episode, but I'd be robbing everyone reading if these in-their-prime sex-pots went unmentioned.
Dominic Sena's SEASON OF THE WITCH isn't a very good movie, but "The Girl" played by Claire Foy as an alleged witch-like figure who is transported across the bleak European countryside by Nic Cage and Ron Perlman is a worthy enough entry. Part of the reason for this is the mystery of the character. Is she really a witch? Is she responsible for the evil pestilence overrunning the land? Is she to blame for the Black Plague sweeping through Europe? Such answers are only provided at the films conclusion, but come on, even so, you know Nic and Ron wanted to stick it to the pale and gaunt looking Foy. Who wouldn't?!
Before becoming one of the best actresses around, Cate Blanchett believably lent her talent to a special seer of sorts in Sam Raimi's unheralded THE GIFT. A good witch, if you can call her that, Blanchett's character has extrasensory perception that helps the local townsfolk find a missing woman. Thanks to Billy Bob Thornton and Tom Epperson's script, Cate isn't portrayed as a cliche witch character, in fact, her nature remains a mystery throughout. Is the blessed with her power or is she cursed by it? Does it matter if it helps locate the disappeared? Such questions are posed in the film, which make it more than your run of the mill thriller. How Raimi handles multiple witches in OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL will be interesting to see.
Though neither really mine true horror territory, Nicole Kidman's dual-witchy roles 7 years apart, first alongside Sandy Bullock in PRACTICAL MAGIC and then Will Farrell in BEWITCHED, must be mentioned. Besides, who has a tighter, more pert ass than sexy Aussie import? Still, at 45! Also, for an Oscar winning talent, props must be bestowed on Kidman for never shying away from daring material, and even dipping in and out of the horror genre with shite like THE OTHERS, THE INVASION, hell, even EYES WIDE SHUT has truly terrifying moments. I'm looking forward to seeing Nicole's witchy-ways in Park Chan-wook's STOKER, out next month.
Not sure about you, but I've always found Helena Bonhman Carter to be one damn sexy beast! I think part of her sex appeal has to do with her ostensible lack of vanity...it's as if she doesn't care what anyone thinks, and as a result, the chick has a graceful insouciance that few actresses posses. And somehow she dirties up in the most appealing way possible (think SWEENY TODD as well). As Bellatrix Lestrange in the HARRY POTTER pictures, her sexiness is matched by unpredictable menace, which ups the danger quotient. A sexy broad is intimidating enough, but throw in her homicidal potential...that's one petrifying bitch!
High ranking scream queen Cassandra Peterson, better known by her delicious alter ego Elvira, stamped her status on the horror map with her 1988 piece of trash-cinema ELVIRA: MISTRESS OF THE DARK, which she co-wrote. Darkly funny, disturbing and highly entertaining, the actions kicks into play when Elvira must travel to a sleepy New England town to collect her inheritance, which includes a witch's demonic cookbook. This shite's exploitation sleaze at its most shameless, as Elvira's ample bosom deliberately takes the starring role, a tongue-in-cheek tone stitched throughout. Good times!
I could have just as easily cited Ania Pieroni, the lovely Italian belle who originated the witchy role of Mater Lachrymarum in Dario Argento's INFERNO, the second in his long-cooked witchcraft trilogy. But as it stands, the gorgeous Israeli model Moran Atias played the role in the last leg of said trilogy, the hardly watchable MOTHER OF TEARS. I say hardly because that was the exact state of my neither region when watching Ms. Atias' big ol' titties in the buff. Damn this is one sexy witch! Trivially, it turns out this Atias beauty actually had a role in the Platinum Dunes remake of FRIDAY THE 13TH, even filming scenes, but was replaced halfway through production.
Legendary scream-queen Barbara Steele lent a classy sexiness to her wicked role in Bava's horror classic BLACK SUNDAY, a role which, like most on the list, only heightens the seduction of evil. The temptation, the transgression, the bodily sin...all become more palpable the sexier the character is. When such a striking character comes along, our guard is instantly let down, and that's the moment evil prevails. Bava must have known this when casting Steele, because it's one of the major reasons why BLACK SUNDAY works so well over 50 years later, and a reason why Steele went on to work with the likes of Corman, Fellini, Demme and others.
Quick query, which of the witches of THE CRAFT would you get down and dirty with the most? Would you happily descend to the pits of hell to bang all four ladies at once? I just might. But if I had to choose, I think I'd go with Robin Tunney, the innocent newcomer who becomes more and more sinister as the film goes on. Of course, with Neve Campbell, Fairuza Balk and Rachel True all parading around in Catholic schoolgirl uniforms, the knee-high socks, running mascara, the devilish streak and twisted black humor...it's what sick sexual fantasies are made of. Extra props must be cast to Fairuza, who, a decade prior, starred as a sexy spell-caster in THE WORST WITCH.
Sure it's more family friendly than most sword-and-sorcery flicks, but hell, it's Terry Gilliam and Monica Bellucci we're talking about here! When the titular conmen (Damon and Ledger) are unexpectedly forced to perform a real life exorcism, Bellucci's dastardly Mirror Queen goes to great lengths to make things difficult for the brothers. Of course the only thing proven harder is their penile-tips, as Bellucci boasts more damn bust than the pro-football hall of fame. Bellucci has come a long way since starring as the Dracula's Bride in Coppola's 1992 adaptation of Bram Stoker, even mining similar fantastique in flicks like BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF and THE SORCERER'S APPRENTICE.
Anyone aware of my female obsessions knows I will eternally bow at the feet of two women; Charlize Theron and Michelle Pfeiffer. It's no shock then that I dutifully bask in the glow of Pfeiffer, who along with the aging-like-fine-wine Susan Sarandon, plays an insidious witch who torments the hell out of (or into) Jack Nicholson in THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK. Cher rounds out the hot three-pronged coven, but it will always be about Michelle's raw sex appeal, her natural beauty, and her acting talent that separates her from the heard. She goes from vulnerable to wicked in a blink of an eye, never losing the gripping allure she still possesses at 54 years old. I love you 'chelle!