Top 10 Friday The 13th Hotties!
Don't look now friends, but next week comes one of the best days of the year to be a horror fan...Friday the 13th! Not sure about you, but I've already dusted off my box-set, pulled out the kill cards (yes, I keep a running tally) and cleared some space in the old schedule to make way for the traditional Voorhees marathon. Color me pumped! But not just pumped to see my man Jason do his murderous thing...not just to see all the helpless victims get sliced and diced. Nah, I'm just as amped to see all the memorable hotties that have graced the franchise over its 3-decade existence. Whether it's the full-bush and tan-lined tush of the 80s, or the glammed-up groomed look of today's ladies...I'm nostalgic. Are you? You're about to be! Click up top to see our Top 10 Friday the 13th Hotties!
Oh poor Marcie...so bubbly, so cheery...so sexy in her 1980 granny panties...yet so damn dead when Jason splits her wig with an axe through the forehead! The only other real looker in the OG FRIDAY THE 13TH is the qausi-Jennifer Garner lookalike Laurie Bartram, but come on now, who can forget that long stretch in the rain where Jeannine skulks around in her lacy underoos flashing those healthy teenage gams? I will never!
To those fellow youngens who constantly crushed on Hilly from WEIRD SCEINCE growing up...we all thankfully got a chance to see the lovely Judie Aronson rip off the brazier in FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE FINAL CHAPTER. I'm still grateful! Too bad the sexy brunette had to catch a hot blade from Voorhees, but it at least she had latex protection when Voorhees penetrates the broad through the bottom of a rubber raft. Who knew Jason practiced safe-stabbing!
Truth be told, I wouldn't kick any one of the three main gals in FRIDAY THE 13TH 3D out of bed, but since my girl Tracie Savage - who happens to share the name and general look of underage 80s pornstar Traci Lords - happens to lather up her goodies in a shower scene...well, she wins the day in my eyes. She also wears the hell out of that blue bikini! Too bad she suffers a Kevin Bacon fate by having a large hunting knife jousted through her chest from under a bed.
Damn...I never really pegged Voorhees for an exoticist, but it's clear my man caught the yellow fever on his cruise to the big apple. How else do you explain his deadly dance-floor courtship of a young Kelly Hu in F13-8: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN? Sure, Hu not falls victim to Jason's blade, but also to late 80s fashion in her huge hair and baggy overalls...but just look at her now. Chick is heat!
Anyone who's seen the 2000 horror flick GINGER SNAPS knows how damn fine its titular star Katherine Isabelle is. This must have included director Ronny Yu, as he not only cast the sexy vamp in the long awaited horror mash-up FREDDY VS. JASON. He also had her hot body double Tammy Morris disrobe and get soaked under a showerhead. And if that wasn't titillating enough, my man Yu gives us an overhead view of Morris swollen chest balloons. Altogether now...Thanks Ronny!
One thing, strike that, the ONLY thing the insipid FRIDAY THE 13TH remake got right was the harem of hotties cast in the film. Exhibit A...Willa Ford topless on a jet-ski! The only thing more beautiful than that is her ultimate fate in the flick. Yup, Voorhees sticks the poor broad through the dock, then, and like a true G, pulls her top-half out of the murk so we can get a full peek at Willa's moribund rack-line. Jesus, bitch got the kind of frame that'll make a boy go necro!
If we canvassed the entire 12-film franchise in search of the most magnificent mammaries, the golden-globes just might go to the coincidentally named Debi Sue Voorhees (of F13-5: A NEW BEGINNING). Sheesh...bitch got more bust than the hall of fame! And you know how you can tell her ample bosom is extra impressive? Even Jason decides to leave such gorgeous chest-orbs fully intact by instead gouging the chick's eyes out until she lies dead in the dirt.
You've heard of Daisy Dukes...well goddamn, I sprout a Boss Hog in my shorts every time I clock FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2 and see Kristen Baker wrapped in them tight jean shorts. Good gravy! I mean, you know you got the firmest derrieres when a kid slingshots a rock into one of your cheeks and you spin around and clutch the other, completely oblivious. Even better though, Kristen strips off the cotton and goes skinny dipping at night, strutting that power-booty with full confidence!
Skinny-dipping nubile twins? Need I really elaborate? Okay then, if I must. Really, what better way to set off the sprinkler system that IS a teenage boy's nether region than by having two identical hotties strip down and get wet? Hell, I even think Crispin Glover popped a long-bone in the scene...and that dude's not even from this planet. To me though, the funniest in-joke is how, the star of THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN (Lawrence Monoson), is two years on and still struggling to get past the panty-sniffing stage.
"Your tits are just...so fucking juicy dude!" Indeed, if there were ever a set of tatas worthy of inducing quite possibly the worst line ever recited on celluloid...it would be those of ultra-buxom Julianna Guill in FRIDAY THE 13TH. No doubt, those tits are pure literature! Sadly, giant knockers alone cannot act, and despite the wholly attractive female cast in said odious remake (save for Danielle Panabaker, who does have talent), the lot of them show all the dramatic range of an Abercrombie billboard.