Top 10 Grossest Horror Movie Meals!
Happy Turkey Day everyone!
So, how's the old gut feeling right about now? You doubled over with intense gas pains? Drunk as a skunk? Bleary eyed from the tryptophan? Get into any fights with the in-laws yet?
Well, whatever your state of mind (or digestion) is at this time, we've got quite the treat for you with this week's Top 10. That's right y'all, we're giving you a hefty taste of the worst meals ever seen in horror movies. Not just cannibalism either, we've got some pretty disgusting delicacies under the cloche for you to enjoy. Brains, slime, stews, pies, barbecue, worms, pizza, custards...we're leaving no recipe out this damn fine holiday. So, if you think you can stomach it, feel free to indulge in our Top 10 Grossest Horror Movie Meals above!
How's this for a tasty treat. You wander into a nice looking savory bake shop to buy and sink your teeth in a freshly made meat pie, only to soon discover that the contents of said tart are nothing more than remains of your fellow man...chopped, minced, diced, rinsed...and thrown into a meat grinder for you to enjoy! Hell of a conceit to set a musical upon, ay? Yet that's exactly the case in Tim Burton's adaptation of the popular Broadway musical, in which he adheres to the spirit of the piece by allowing such fetid steaming stink-pies to be ingested.
"Maggots Michael, you're eating MAGGOTS!" No matter how many times you see THE LOST BOYS, there's never a shortage of wince-work when those goddamn boxes of slithering worms and nasty maggots that David gives to Michael appear onscreen. F*ck all that! And if not that's unsettling enough for you, how about washing it all down with a hefty swig of freshly bottled blood! Poor Michael succumbs to peer pressure, imbibes the suspicious eats and soon morphs into a halfhearted bloodsucking creature of the night.
If there's one underground Michelin Star butcher-shop you need frequent at least one time in your day, it's the one featuring a prime 1991 cut of cult classic offal in DELICATESSEN. French cuisine at its finest! If you've left this one off your menu, it takes place in a sort of post-apocalyptic France where meat is fatally scarce. That is, until a butchering landlord on the first floor of a dilapidated hotel starts goring people to death, caving them up and selling them for lunch...to his own tenants no less! Mordant dark comedy as biting as its patrons!
Just when you though old Fred Krueger's sweaty-melted-pizza-face was alone too much to stomach, here's a hellish pie of an entirely different flavor. Remember the Soul Pizza in A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4: THE DREAM MASTER, the one where Freddy cruelly tops a yummy medium cheese with the tiny little heads of all Alice's friends? Yeah that one! If that wasn't unappetizing enough, my man Fred then scoops up on of the heads on his trusty finger-blade and squashes it into a wet mass of green and yellow puss. Leave it to Krueger to put the gore in gourmet!
Leave to the one and only Pete Jackson to give us perhaps the most cringe-worthy serving of absolute putridity in this entire smorgasbord. Hell, the whole of DEAD ALIVE is one giant bellyache of slimy, icky, gooey, viscera-drenched mayhem! Of course, the one time when a meal is actually served in the film, Jackson's wildly imaginative dish leaves quite the taste in your mouth. That goopy creamy custard that mama's melting ear happens to fall into, only to have some unkempt gentleman dig a hardy spoonful into his nasty maw. Yeah, that's about as vomit-inducing as it comes.
I recall peeping HANNIBAL in theater with a bunch of friends, a bit tipsy at that, and despite feeling underwhelmed with what Ridley Scott did as a whole, the one scene that no doubt stayed in my mind and stomach is the scene in which, yes, Dr. Lecter feeds a lobotomized Ray Liotta his own pan seared brains. Scrumptious! And it's the context that does it, the tomfoolery. We've all seen a million brains getting chomped to gooey bits in zombie movies, yet none is as duplicitous and disturbing then watching a dude so calmly and casual cook your own neurofibers in a hot saute pan right beside you. Sheesh!
Man I love the movie PARENTS. Great character actor Bob Balaban directs this maddeningly morbid dark comedy about a pair of seemingly conformist 50s parents who are actually mass murdering cannibals. Yup, Randy Quaid and Mary Beth Hurt go around their neighborhood with a smile on their faces, whack a slew of unsuspecting strangers, chops them up, tosses them on the grill and voilla...dinner is served! Of course, when the young boy in the family starts to smell something rotten, it's not just the expiration date being ignored, if you know what I mean. We urge all that haven't to lap this one up ASAP!
As we all still hope that one day Eli Roth will make good on the promise of a full length feature adaptation, it's now the time to be grateful short film Thanksgiving. I mean, look at that healthy serving up above! As part of the interstitial faux-trailers seen in GRINDHOUSE, the grainy and gritty 16mm print meant to evoke a 70s style of cheap but ever so nasty slasher flick is too damn delicious to get a second helping. Come on, Jordan Ladd dropping panties and trampolining on a butcher knife? A decollated parader? A stuffed human turkey? Bad taste has never been so damn good!
NILBOGGGG!! You've heard of pink slime right? Yeah well the so called "worst movie ever," TROLL 2, took their disgusting dining habits to a whole new level of revulsion. Green Slime! Forever traumatized will I be, like many I'm sure who happened to catch this movie on the endless HBO loop in ran on during the 80s and 90s, for the sheer bizarre and so-bad-I-can't-stop-watching insanity of the green-food dinner sequence. Despicable. Indigestible. Unforgettable.
Not that we ever need wheedling to place THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE in any kind of #1 position, but since so much of the latent subtext in the film deals with human rights issues and the gross over-consumption of meat, Tobe Hooper's demented original deserves a spot at the head of the table. I'm mean good god! There's Leatherface, his psychotic brother howling away, papa the human meat cooker chilling in the back, and old crustily moribund Grandpa doddering in and out of consciousness. How'd you like to stuff your face in that plate of desiccated human-sausage and foul flesh-patties. Bon appetit!